ROB COLTON RP
[The scene opens up with a shot of Rob Colton making his way down the aisle to the ring as the fans are beginning to filter into the building for the show. Rob takes the house mic and stands in the middle of the ring. Rob begins trying to attract the fans attention as they all seem to be milling around buying refreshments and merchandise without paying any attention to him]
Rob Colton: Excuse me …
[Rob coughs loudly into the mic to get their attention and they still ignore him]
Rob Colton: I SAID EXCUSE ME!
[Rob makes another loud sarcastic cough sound after yelling into the mic, again they ignore him]
Rob Colton: DAMN IT DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM?!!
[Suddenly a few people turn around to see what this pompous yayhoo has to say for himself. Rob is already in a bad mood now after having to raise his voice to get people’s attention]
Rob Colton: For those of you who don’t know me, I am the single most charismatic man to ever step foot in this or any other professional wrestling ring. I am the last bastion of integrity in the sea of iniquity that this industry has become, I am beyond any shadow of a doubt the most honest, charming and caring man to grace this fair state of California. I am, quite simply, your lord and saviour. The messiah of entertainment, the ruler of the planet wrestling … the overlord of the television universe! Yes, tonight you receive your education in wrestling and prepare to bow down before your master …
[Rob is getting booed by the live crowd now, many of whom are still filtering in]
Rob Colton: … and for those of you who do know me, I am the heart-stopping, hard-rocking, Earth quaking, booty shaking, love making, Viagra taking, controversy brewing, nice guy screwing, chick drilling, constantly chilling, model dating, player hating, masturbating, future controlling, rockin’ and rolling, bad breaking, love forsaking, history … in the making … legendary …. ROB COLTON … BAYBAAAAAY!!!
[Rob throws his arms up posing to the audience as they start booing him loudly. He lowers his right arm and places his finger to his lips as if to gesture for them all to shut up before continuing into his usual never-ending soliloquy]
Rob Colton: Thank you for that warm reception, and now that we’ve got the introductions out of the way I’m here to talk to you people tonight about a subject very close to my heart … about an issue that really means a lot to me, something that I care very, very deeply about. Tonight I want to share with you my thoughts on something that means more to me than anything else in this world, more than my fans, more than my friends and even more than my own family and that is … ME! Yes me, Rob Colton, the man with a face so resplendent that it’s been designated a national landmark in sixteen countries … the man with hair so beautiful it was once misclassified as one of the seven wonders of the modern world. The man whose face once caused a multi-car pileup because six women drove past his billboard, went into orgasm and had to move their hands from the wheel to their crotch … yes … THAT Rob Colton!
[Rob smirks to himself as the fans are still booing him but somewhat amused by his verbose tirade]
Rob Colton: You people better be listening to all this … take out a notepad and write it down if your pea-sized Neanderthal brains can’t take it all in. This is the greatest night of your lives folks and I hope you aren’t too stupid to realise it, you just bought tickets for a wrestling show tonight and ended up getting a lecture in natural beauty, a sermon in greatness, an education in immortality. I know it’s too much for you low-life, incoherent, reality television obsessed, terminally dense, atrociously dressed, hip-hop loving, pot smoking high-school dropouts here in San Jose to take in but one day you’ll look back and tell your grandchildren about this night … the night you met greatness! Well that is if you’re not neutered in some experimental scheme to protect the human race by stopping guttersnipes like you lot from infecting future generations with your monumental stupidity.
[The fans by this time are enraged with him again]
Rob Colton: When I say I’m proud to live in California … you should all know that’s because I never leave Los Angeles baby! I’ve got my nice little mansion up in the Hollywood hills with my marble floors and Persian rugs where I can lounge around all day by my Olympic sized swimming pool drinking Dom Perignon ’52 and not doing a damn thing … all the while you low-life scumfucks down state are working your asses off forty hours a week for a boss that you hate, trying to justify your own existence to your emotionally dead fuck-up of a wife and your useless bastard kids.
[Rob takes a pause for breath and can barely begin again for all the heat he’s getting]
Rob Colton: I mean seriously, why do you people even bother? Why do you bother getting up in the mornings? Waking up every single day at the sound of the alarm at 6 in the morning, the rush hour traffic on the way into work, the hard labor-intensive days getting paid shit money for doing other peoples shit jobs making people like me richer whilst you work your fingers to the fucking bone and for what? To keep your children in an education system that’s clearly failing them? To keep yourself out the house so you don’t have to spend any more time in the company of that banal cluster of shit you call a family? To stop your wife walking out on your boring sexless marriage faster than you can say “quickie divorce”, huh?! How do you guys do it? If I were you I’d be fantasising every day about putting a short rope around my neck and going for a long jump at the first possible opportunity!
[One of the fans yells out “You should!” as Rob mimics a hanging motion]
Rob Colton: WHO SAID THAT?!!
Rob Colton: How dare you?! HOW DARE YOU?! You actually have the temerity to open your big stinking mouth and breathe your contaminated foul-smelling air all over me? You have the nerve to breathe the same air as Rob Colton?! I am personally offended … I mean just look at you! Just … do you have mirrors in your house? Did you get dressed in the dark this evening or did they give you that t-shirt for free to make you cover up your man tits and your pasty white body that clearly has all the definition of quicksand? You look like a fucking creature from PeopleOfWalmart.com for crying out loud! Faded jeans half way round your ankles, facial hair that makes me think you think Fusion Proglide is a type of remote controlled airplane, and those tribal tattoos that make me want to scream at you that Jersey Shore is not a fucking lifestyle show … God I hate people like you! You wouldn’t know how to spell IQ never mind have one … you know you and your fellow trailer park trash make my skin crawl. My skin literally wants to sprout tiny little limbs and crawl away from the vicinity of the stinking fat mess than you allegedly call a person … YOU’RE JUST AWFUL!
[Rob quickly reels back into the ring before the fan goes for him]
Rob Colton: Now you’re probably wondering why I’m not out here talking about my opponent tonight … well that’s because frankly I know absolutely nothing about him other than the fact that his name’s Riley Owens and he’s from Boston, Massachusetts but lives in Miami. I guess he has more sense than you people then, at least he got out of the shithole he was born in! I also know that he describes himself as a “tweener” which almost certainly guarantees he has about as much personality as a Bolivian tree frog and can’t hold a consistent demeanour for more than about twenty seconds without breaking. I also know that he just wants to fight … and if that’s the case then he’s come to the right place because I’m gonna give him the fight of his life here this evening.
[Rob pauses again]
Rob Colton: Riley, I’m not going to stand here and tell you that I want to hurt you or that I want to embarrass you or any of that shtick … because quite frankly that would involve caring about you in any way, shape or form whatsoever … and I don’t. I don’t even want to beat you for anything about you; I just want to win this match because I’m Rob Colton … and Rob Colton does not lose wrestling matches! I could have a great match with a broom and lord knows we’ve proved that before – me and Ryan Jeter actually have had better matches with inanimate objects on PWSR Lockup than I’ll get out of this jabroni tonight but if there’s one thing you can count on it’s this … Rob Colton does not lose wrestling matches!
[Another fan shouts out from the audience]
Fan: Yeah cos you hardly ever wrestle anyone!
Rob Colton: SHUT UP! If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart … now as far as I’m concerned I really don’t have anything else to say. I could stand out here all night and talk about myself and how magnificent, wonderful and glorious I truly am but at the end of the day you people … just don’t deserve it. You’ve been afforded the privilege of basking in my presence long enough now and frankly the sight of you lot is starting to make this A-list celebrity stomach feel nauseous so take out your cell phones and get one last picture of greatness as I turn around and leave … and ladies, if you wanna watch this gorgeous ass wiggle all the way back up that ramp, be my guest!
[Rob turns around, steps out of the ring and throws the mic down. Colton flips the fans off behind him and then proceeds to blow a kiss to some ladies at ringside opposite him and wiggles his ass away up the ramp in a typically vain, conceited and self-aggrandising manner befitting Rob Colton]
