FRANKIE EMERSON RP
[The scene opens with a shot of pure blackness. After a few moments, we hear the corny keys of “Joy to the world” begin to play, and we fade in on a scene of a large stage. On the stage there are three signs(two sitting on sign-holders on opposite sides of the stage and one giant one hanging from the roof right in the middle of them) in front of a large cliché red curtain/carpet combination. The far right sign reads “YOU CAN DO IT!”, the far left sign reads “REACH FOR THE STARS!”, and the middle reads “MERRY CHRISTMAS: FRANKIE EMERSONS WOMENS APPRECIATION CEREMONY!”. “Joy to the world continues to play as a middle aged man walks out onto the stage and to a small podum. The man wearing a tacky Christmas sweater, “Grinch that stole Christmas” pajama bottoms, and of course a pair of pink antlers atop his head. He stands for a moment looking incredibly unpleased with his current situation, before pulling out a sheet of paper. He sighs for a moment, and begins to read in the most unenthused voice possible.]
Man: Hello ladies and gentleman, those of you who follow the Pro Wrestling Smarks international know that I am their backstage interview specialist, Brandon--*sigh*… Brando Harris. But for those of you who don’t follow PWSi… Salutations.
[Brandon clearly didn’t write this note himself.]
Brandon Harris: I’m here tonight to introduce you to a man who is single handedly changing the face of professional wrestling every single day. He’s a loving, handsome, caring, honest, handsome, charitable, strong, smart, handsome… and modest man. He’s a man that believes that women have more to offer than just staying in the kitchen, cleaning the house, and giving us back rubs. I mean, we men can’t birth babies so somebody has to right?—what the-
[We hear a voice from behind the curtain whisper angerly “Read the lines!”. Brandon sighs again before turning the piece of paper over.]
Brandon Harris: He’s a man who thinks so much of women that he has even let some of them get victories over him out of pitty. That list includes women like Trisha Lee Moore, Alexis *sigh* Makeinbabiesandsandwhiches, that one Russow girl, and others. That’s right folks they weren’t better than Frankie, it was just him giving them absolute pitty wins. So without further ado, making his way to the podium, weighing in at a manly hunk of 220 pounds. He’s ‘The Face’ of wrestling and now… argh… and now ‘The Face’ of fairness. Frankie “The Face” Emerson.
[“Joy to the world” switches into “What a man” by Salt-N-Peppa as Frankie Emerson walks out from behind the curtains and onto the stage. He has on a shirt that reads “I’m IT”, and a pair of jeans with four stars circling his groin, and also has a small beagle(who is wearing a Christmas hat). He holds up his hands, smiling at the obviously fake clapping that was dubbed in considering we haven’t panned back far enough to even prove there’s a crowd, and gives Brandon a manly handshake. Brandon goes and sits on the side of the stage, taking off his antlers as he sits down in a small metal chair. Frankie shoots him a hateful look, making Brandon sigh once more and put the antlers back on. Frankie then clears his throat, beginning to speak while petting the beagle.]
Frankie “The Face” Emerson: Hello all my adoring fans! Welcome to the first annual Frankie Emerson “Women’s appreciation day”! I’m your host Frankie Emerson! I’d like to thank my best friend in the entire world for being here today with me. I’ve been up and down the road with him, spent a lot of time with him, and he’s really become like a brother to me.
[Brandon seems to actually be emotionally moved by this. Frankie usually didn’t talk this way about him.]
Frankie “The Face” Emerson: I know I usually don’t tell him this, so I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you… Charles Barkley!
[Frankie holds up the dog in his hands, as Brandon Harris hangs his head in shame. Authors Note: For those of you lucky enough not to have caught this the first time around, I’m rehashing this awful pun. Frankie Emerson did indeed name his dog “Charles BARKley”. Bark, like the sound a dog makes… but it’s also a famous basketball player. You’re welcome.]
Frankie “The Face” Emerson: I’d like to thank my other animal friends that I’ve morally adopted, because fans love animals. My deer LeFawn James, my bull Michael Gorethem. And of course my water friend Eel O’Neil. (Authors Note: I’m so sorry.) Oh yeah and thanks to Brando for coming here and finally doing something productive. ANYWAYS. I’m here tonight for two reasons, one is to promote my upcoming match with what was her name Brando? Nevermind I remember. Taryn “sooo Dumpy” Robinson!
[Brandon tries to mutter out “That’s not her nickname…” but Frankie doesn’t listen to him.]
Frankie “The Face” Emerson: But mostly to thank all of you women for everything you do! I mean you do all the things Brando mentioned earlier, cooking cleaning and birfing babies; but you do so much more. You um… you make good nurses! Yeah! And um… you know… you’re really good at *cough cough*. SO YEAH CONGRATS! But this is also going to be a motivational speech, because women don’t get the credit they rightfully deserve. So I want to remind you all of two things! YOU CAN DO IT! JUST REACH FOR THE STARS!
[Frankie backs up, setting down Charles and getting out from behind the podium. He nods down at his shirt that reads “IT”, and thrusts his hips disgustingly that have the stars tapped on them.]
Frankie “The Face” Emerson: One more time ladies. You can do IT… just REACH… with your hands… for the STARS.
Brandon Harris(muttering again): Yeah they get it. You’re so cleaver and not creepy at all.
Frankie “The Face” Emerson: But I digress! Women of wrestling, you need to understand that while I’m a very generous man, I can’t always let you all win when we face eachother. I know it’s a good ego boost, and I know it’s super nice of me, but this is a competitive business. So Taryn this is directed towards you, because come PWP this isn’t just any ordinary match. This is a big publicized match and if I do well they might invite me back to more PWP shows that are, as you know, broadcasted through a ton of different federations throughout the world! So many more of my fans will get to see me! Just think of it that way Taryn, when you inevitably lose to me, you’ll be making little Timmy and Suzy’s dreams come true because all they want is to see me. Doesn’t that make you feel better and put you at ease? Knowing that you’ll be contributing to making the world a better place? Because we all know that there isn’t a person in this world that doesn’t love them some Frankie Emerson. In time Taryn, I think you too will come to grow found of Frankie; that is after you get over me beating your rather attractive rear-end around the ring.
[Frankie smiles as if he just said he sweetest thing possible.]
Frankie “The Face” Emerson: So Taryn I will see you at the PWP show, and to all my die-hard fans, I know you’re looking forward to seeing ME at PWP. So one more time before I go! And this goes for you too Taryn… you know… cuzyou’rehotandIwouldn’tmindyoudoingthis… you can do IT… just reach for the STARS!
[What a man plays again, and Frankie slides off behind the curtain. Brandon murmurs and walks back to the podium with his piece of paper in hand. He, again, begins to read words clearly written by Frankie.]
Brandon Harris: Wow, what a focused, endearing, handsome man Frankie Emerson is. I feel bad for Taryn come the PWP show. Frankie is really going to… really?
Frankie “The Face” Emerson(behind the curtain): Say it! Say it now!
Brandon Harris: *Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* Frankie is really going to beat her like a women would beat an egg. You know… when she’s in the kitchen. Thank you all for joining us here tonight, and remember. Frankie Emerson loves you all; even if you are underachieving, underdeserving, overpushed females. … That’s real nice. Goodbye all.
[“Joy to the world” plays again as the scene slowly fades to black.]