PWP 11: Too Legit II Quit - Liz Smalls vs. Brandon Banks

You know, it's funny. Till this day people don't really know why I decided to take some time away from the wrestling game. That didn't stop the rumors from swirling around though. People were saying that I had quietly retired. Some thought that I was just drained from being a workhorse in PDW. Some were even saying that I left the game because I might have 'lost a step' after all the minor injuries I suffered in the ring.

Hah. Jokes.

I ain’t lost a step, bruh. Matter fact, I might be healthier and more with it now than I’ve ever been before. Trust, I ain’t Old Yeller. I’m a twenty-six year old dude who’s been in the wrestling business since I got out of high school, and despite all those minor injuries; The concussions, the broken tail bones, none of it had ever slowed me down. My pain tolerance is like one you’ve never seen before. I can handle any physical pain that comes my way. It was the mental pain that drove me away…

I left for one reason, and one reason only. It started to feel like everything, and I mean everything around me was falling apart. Relationships, friendships, everything and anything was starting to deteriorate and quite frankly...it got to me. I had lost so many things in the year of 2013...or so I thought I did.

It all began when my marriage fell apart, and even though I put up a front in public like it didn’t phase me…that shit made me miserable. For the first time in a long time I could honestly say I was depressed. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong until I took a step back and saw what I had become. A jealous, petulant, insecure, shell of what was once a proud man.

That’s not me…

Brandon Banks does not get jealous. Well, he does…but I was getting heated over some dumbass shit, bruh.

Brandon Banks ain’t a petulant.

And Brandon Banks sure as hell ain’t insecure.

I sometimes think that everything that was happening around me drove me to that point, but who knows. Past is the past, right? You make mistakes, and you grow from them. Can’t seem to get this marriage thing right yet, but aye. Maybe one day, right? Right.

The end of my marriage began the domino effect. Soon after that I had been informed that my cousin was murdered, and that there was my breaking point. I can honestly say that family is, and will always be the most important thing to me, and for me to hear that my cousin was killed...it drove me off the edge. To think that I brought him over from Miami to New Jersey to have a better life, and instead of having a better life, he ended up dead? I couldn’t forgive myself for that.

And then came the final ‘Bank Shot’ if you will. I don’t have much recollection of what happened on this day, but I remember the before and after. I was beyond depressed. Anxiety going through the roof. So what did I do? I went back to what took the depression and axiety away when times got rough early on in my career.

After years of battling addiction to Xanax and fighting it off successfully, I got sucked right back in. I started popping those little blue pills from the time I woke up, until I was passed out on a floor inside my house in a puddle of my own drool. I couldn’t remember shit, and that’s exactly what I wanted.

I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything. My ex-wife, my cousin, my wrestling career, everything. And you know, for awhile...it actually worked. Despite being a walking zombie, I was starting to forget. Even if it was only a temporary fix, it helped me cope with the depression I was going through, until one day I decided to go on a little joy ride.

That joy ride nearly cost me my damn life. Nearly broke one of my best friends neck. But more importantly, it took away the dream of a young couple who wanted to start a family. Who wanted to bring a child into this world, and I took that away from them.

... I won’t ever get over that. That’s going to haunt me until I’m six feet underground, but the worst part about it all? After it happened… all I cared about was me. I didn’t give a damn about the husband and wife three doors down from me balling their eyes out. All I could think about was me. What was going to happen to me. How long I was going to jail for. What my son would think of me. Hell, what everyone who I’ve grown close to over the years would think of me.

This wasn’t the life that I wanted to live. I knew I was better than this, but I didn’t do a good job showing it. So, after laying in a hospital bed for three days stuck with nothing but my own thoughts, I put myself in their position. If I was only three doors away from the person who caused the accident that killed my unborn child... Lord knows what I would have done.

I had finally made a decision. If I was going to get another chance, I was going to make everything right. Or as close to right as I possibly could.

I was finally going to be better…



I had my day in court. Just like the rest of personal problems, nobody knew about the court date unless they read the Jersey City newspaper. And really, who reads newspapers these days?

I was probably one of the most private people in the world, mainly because I couldn't take people worrying about me. That, and this was just something I didn’t want to talk about. No matter what happened here, I wasn’t going to tell anyone about it, and if I went to jail? Well, I guess I went to jail.

Luckily for me in the state of New Jersey there is no criminal liability for the death of an unborn child because the child isn't considered to be a ‘person,’ by law. If my accident would've been in Pennsylvania? I would've been screwed.

BB: Bet Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler would be kickin’ my ass right now, bruh.

The cops tried to peg a vehicular manslaughter charge on me, but my lawyer got that dropped after my first hearing right when I was discharged from the hospital. I was found guilty of my second DUI, my first reckless driving, and my first resisting arrest. I was sentenced to my third stint of probation with the first three months being home confinement and then twenty-one months of regular probation.

BB: Lawyer does work, though. I thought I was gone for awhile, shit.

I had just finished getting an ankle bracelet wrapped around my ankle at the probation office and sat outside the courthouse, waiting for my sister to pick me up.

BB: Man, where the frick are you, Fel? Cold as shit out here.

I couldn’t take the cold anymore so I ran back inside the courthouse, but just as I pushed the door open, I saw a woman that I could just barely recognize the face of. When she saw me, her eyes widened and she immediately bolted toward the door.

BB: Excuse me?

She turned around and gave me a look filled with nothing but sorrow and disgust. I saw her at all of my court hearings, but nothing ever registered.

Woman: What do you want?

I was confused. I had absolutely no idea why this lady was being so rude, but it finally clicked.

BB: Are... you-- Um...

I stopped, wondering if should say anything else.

BB: You’re the woman that... Uhhh, that... I got into that acc--

Couldn't spit out.

BB: That accident thing with?

She looked away, not bothering to give me an answer or a nod of the head or anything of the sort.

BB: … You are, aren’t you?

She finally made eye contact with me, the tears starting to build up in her eyes.

BB: Damn, this is--

I was going to say awkward, but I decided against it.

BB: Listen, I know there’s absolutely nothing I can say to make what I did okay. No apology will do here, but please. I need you to understand that this is something I’m never gonna let go. This is going to eat at me for the rest of my life, and --

Woman: It’s going to eat at you?! It’s going to eat at you?!

She wiped the tears from beneath her eyes and looked away for a quick second.

Woman: And what am I supposed to say, Mr. Banks? How am I supposed to feel knowing that my husband and I will never have a child. You took that away from us and all you could do is say sorry? You’re not even paying for your fucking crime because you’re this hotshot celebrity.

Damn. Started to think I shouldn’t of said anything to her at all. My dumbass though.

BB: … Okay, I deserve that. I definitely deserve all of that, but you don’t understand. I got a son too. I can’t--

Woman: Just stop, alright? I know you have a son… That’s why I can’t understand how you have the audacity to speak to me right now. I came here today expecting to hear that you’d at least spend some time in jail, but you’re not.

She shook her head, clearly disgusted by the sight of me.

Woman: How could you live with yourself? How could you…

BB: I CAN’T!

There was that Banks temper.

BB: Every single day that has passed by since the accident all I’ve been thinkin’ about was you and your husband. All I could think about was what I would have done if the roles were reversed. Trust me, I know there’s NOTHING I can do to make this right, but at least hear out!

It almost looked like she wanted to laugh as she inched closer and closer toward me and then… WHAM! Smacked right across the face. Think some spit flew out my mouth too.

Woman: I will never hear you out. I will never forgive what you did. I hope you rot in hell.

She hesitated as she backed up a few steps. I could feel my face starting to burn, pissed that I got slapped but I wasn’t going to react. Wanted to curse her off in the worst way, but I knew I deserved much worse than what I got. She turned around and stormed out of the courthouse.

BB: Why my dumbass tried talkin’ to her, bruh? Damn, that was stupid as fuck.

I shook my head and stood still in the courthouse until I saw my sisters Audi pull up in front. I ran out and jogged toward her car, and opened the door before I hopped in and slammed it back shut. I looked at Felicity and smiled, but she didn’t look too pleased.

Felicity Banks: Do you realize how fucking lucky you are?

Lucky... right.

Felicity Banks: You should be in jail right now.

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

BB: Appreciate the support, Fel. I’m happy to see you too.

She shook her head and pulled away from the courthouse. Silence took over, but I could feel Felicity glancing over at me while I stared out the passenger side window.

Felicity Banks: Look, I’m happy you’re not in jail and all that, but… Holy fuck, Brandon. When are you going to learn? This isn’t the first time you did something stupid like this and --

BB: I KNOW, FEL.

Really didn’t wanna hear this right now, and Felicity knew it. Instead of continuing, she didn’t say a word. We drove closer toward my house and my mind went right back to my confrontation with the woman in the courthouse.

BB: I’m a shitty human being, ain’t I?

Felicity took her eyes off the road for a split second to look at me.

Felicity Banks: No, you’re not. You’re actually one of the better people in this world. You just make a lot, and I mean A LOT of stupid decisions.

Well, that was reassuring.

Felicity Banks: Everyone knows you have a good heart, Brandon. You can’t hide it. You try to, but you can’t.

I sighed as I leaned my head back against the seats headrest.

BB: Me liking baby animals and puppies doesn’t mean I have a good heart, Fel.

Felicity Banks: No, it doesn’t. But you doing everything in your power to make everyone around you happy does.

Never thought of it that way. Trippy that my baby sister was smarter than me. Must be the whole college thing that I chose not to do.

BB: … so how do I get over this? This shit been on my damn mind ever since the day it happened. Well, since I sobered up at least.

I glanced over and saw her shrug as she turned onto the interstate.

Felicity Banks: You need time to yourself. You need to do some soul searching. A lot of stuff happened to you this last year, and you just… Need a break from it.

Soul searching? That wasn’t something people said to me.

BB: The fucks that gonna do, Fel? Me taking time to myself is only gonna make me think more. I need to shut my brain off for like… A day. Or a week. Hell, an hour at this point would be dandy.

Did I really just say dandy?

Felicity Banks: It will. Time heals all wounds. You should know that by now.

And I did. Problem was I didn’t want to waste anymore time healing old wounds. I had enough wounds for one lifetime.

BB: I guess we’ll see.

The rest of the drive home was quiet, neither me or Fel saying a word until she pulled in front of my gate.

Felicity Banks: You gonna be okay?

I nodded reassuringly.

BB: Always.

She smiled as I pushed the passenger side door open and pulled out my house keys out of my pocket. I waved bye to Fel and slammed the door shut and made the walk toward my house.

The soul searching had begun…



BB: Thought I was gonna die with that ankle bracelet, bruh. You know how much a pain in the ass it was to find ways to cheat that shit? Damn, thank God my P.O cool or I would've been screwed.

The ankle bracelet was finally off after what seemed like the longest ninety days of my life. This whole not driving thing was tough to adjust to, but luckily I had a few people that didn't mind carting my ass around despite my spur of the moment habits. This time around, my friend and fellow wrestler Shane Henning had been in town and took me to the Hudson County Courthouse to get the ankle bracelet removed. We had already been back at my house, sitting on the roof deck on what felt like the first day of summer. Shit, to me? Damn near felt as good as the last day of school did back in the day.

BB: Bout to spin this l though.

Shouldn't of been smoking weed, but I knew how to pass a drug test. If I didn't...I would've probably been crawled up in the fetal position somewhere from lack of weed intake.

BB: Feel like I hit the Powerball right now, breh. Straight up. Today is a damn fine day. Today, I am a motherfuckin' free man again.

Don't know why I was saying that since I left the house whenever I wanted with the bracelet anyway. Owning your own wrestling company has it's benefits, especially when you can get 'called into the offices whenever' as I told them.

BB: Fine ass day. Fine.Ass.Day.

Yeah, you could tell I was happy.

BB: I'm even feelin' nice enough to let you roll this blunt.

I tossed Shane the Dutch, getting him out of his gaze at the Hudson. Damn near looked like he wasn't paying attention to a word I said.

Shane Henning: What the fuck were you talking about?

And he wasn't.

Shane Henning: And why the fuck did you throw that at me?

BB: Maaaan, just roll that blunt for me.

He reached down and grabbed the Dutch off of the rooftop before he dug into his pocket to pull out a ziplock bag filled with some of the finest marijuana you could find. Can't even just call it weed because it's that damn good.

Shane Henning: You're asking for too much today, Brandon. I didn't come here to be your butler.

I didn’t know how to reply to that seeing as he knew he was taking me to courthouse. Shane as per usual probably had his own agenda though. He wasn’t really the type to take sporadic trips from his house in Malibu to mine in Jersey.

BB: So you came here for somethin?

Shane begins to break up a few buds as he nods.

Shane Henning: Need to talk to you about something...I’m just not too sure if I should actually do it or not.

He then begins sprinkling the marijuana crushed marijuana particles into the Dutch shaking his head.

Shane Henning: Need my fucking grinder..

I reached into my khaki pockets to see if I had one on me, but no cigar. Actually had a cigar, but no grinder.

BB: The hell you mean if you should actually do it or not?

Immediately, my head went to the worst possible scenario.

BB: Damn, bruh. Don’t tell me you’re breakin up with Liv or some shit like that. I’ma end up cryin’.

Shane quickly looks over to me with all the seriousness in the world locked into his eyes.

Shane Henning: ……….No.

He goes back to what he’s doing and sighs as he begins to roll.

Shane Henning: I’m not sure...I just have this want...This desire….This itch that I want to scratch but afraid of what it might do if I do…

I took a moment to think over what Shane was saying, trying to to pinpoint what exactly he was talking about.

BB: You talkin’ bout wrestling? If you are, pretty sure everyone gets that. I been gettin’ it every single time I step foot inside an HKW event.

I stood up from the seat I was sitting on and walked over toward the edge, staring out at the Hudson myself.

BB: It’s just a matter of figurin’ out if that’s what you really wanna do right now or not.

Shane finishes up rolling up the Dutch and I hear a flicker...Son of a bitch was gonna take the first hit.

Shane Henning: I don’t know if I should...I want to be there for Liv and Lilly. But I...I want that feeling again Brandon….I can taste it on the tip of my tongue like I’m a fucking snake or something sensing it’s prey. I need it…..I thought skating and surfing would fill that void but it isn’t…

He did...He fucking did take the first hit.

Shane Henning: ...It isn’t good enough. I think I left too soon…

Was tempted to hit him with the ‘what the fuck are you talking about’ and snatch the blunt away from him, but he would’ve probably tossed me off the roof.

BB: So, shit. Go back. Find some shit that fits your schedule and do you, bruh.

Can’t lie, I was focused on that blunt one hundred percent, but I played it cool.

BB: You could still be there for Liv and Lilly even if you wrestle. Going back to wrestlin’ don’t mean your entire life has to be devoted to it.

That was always my biggest problem. When I wrestled, it was wrestling and nothing else. Damn near didn’t see my son for two years because of how addicted I was to wrestling.

BB: You left on your own terms, you can go back on your own terms. That’s how I see it.

I started to wonder if he was ever gonna pass me that damn blunt and I walked closer and reached out my hand just a little, but it wasn’t all that noticeable. Shane looked at my hand for a moment and took another pull...Fucker...He then passed it to me and exhaled the smoke with a sigh.

Shane Henning: I guess you’re right...I just have to find something I guess...I don't want to leave my family...I mean, I don’t wanna drift away from them because I know where my mind might go if I go too deep...I’m afraid Brandon...I’m scared…

He looks over to me.

Shane Henning: But I want to go that deep….I want to go back to my old ways...I’m craving it...The pain….

Homie was on his psycho shit. To Shane, wrestling wasn’t what it was to everyone else. It was a chance for him to literally destroy them near death. He was basically showing them that if he wanted to, he could take their life away...and their titles were just additional little tokens.

BB: Well…

Didn’t know what to say to say at first, so I took a hit of the blunt instead. Shit, Shane talkin’ this way reminded me of how I used to be. Lots of things changed for me overtime, and maybe in time they would for Shane too, but I did understand exactly what he was talking about.

BB: … damn, bruh. Shit, I think about goin’ back all the time, but just like you, I ain’t tryna go back to the way I was, man. For real. Startin’ to feel like the business drove me insane a few times, and I’m not really tryna go through all that again. Especially since me and Risky got our own companies now, I ain’t really…

I paused, taking another hit of the blunt.

BB: Don’t know, I ain’t tryna be all about this wrestling thing again. Like, I don’t want my life to be all wrestling, and I’m thinkin’ that’s the same shit goin through ya head right now. But, yeah… def do miss it.

I took another drag, Shane glancing over at me like he was ready for me pass the blunt. Please. Chiefs Mahoney over there was waitin’ a little bit.

BB: I mean, what harm can one more run do, right?

Shane took a moment, but he nodded his head and actually smirked just a bit.

Shane Henning: How about we make a deal?

I paused, unsure of how to reply.

BB: What kinda deal, bruh?

He reached forward and snagged the blunt out my hand. Fucker was quick as hell.

Shane Henning: We both return to different companies, and if either one of us gets in too deep… We pull the other out.

That sounded weird as shit, but I knew what he meant. I took a bit to think it over, kind of surprised that Shane just kind of sprung returning to wrestling on me. Was that really what I wanted? To commit to a grueling schedule like the one of pro wrestling, especially now with my own company?

BB: I don’t know, man. Not--

I hesitated, thinking it over some more. Really did miss kicking peoples jaws off their face…

BB: Damn, bruh.

The more I thought about it, the more it appealed to me. There were some things that I wasn’t sure about, though. For one, I sure as hell wasn’t traveling with HKW and the company I wrestled for at the same time. I sure as hell wasn’t wrestling three or four times a month. And I sure as hell wasn’t diverting back to my old ways.

BB: Man, if you could find me a place where I could wrestle like once or twice a month, I’m all in.

Wrestling less regularly would prevent me from getting sucked back to where I was before I silently walked away.

Shane Henning: Isn’t Hard Knox affiliated with the Pro Wrestling Project?

Bingo.

BB: Ayyyeeeeeeee!! Shit, I ain’t think of that!

Damn, I was high as fuck.

BB: The fuck you gonna do doh?

Yep, definitely high. Doh was part of my ‘BB is stoned out his mind’ lingo

Shane Henning: The fuck you mean what am I gonna do?

Such an angry guy this Shane.

BB: Mean where the fuck you gon’ wrestle, breh.

Shane Henning: Don’t worry about me. I’ll figure that out.

He took another drag of the blunt before passing it over to me.

Shane Henning: What you should concern yourself with is gettin back in ring shape. If you perform anything like you did against Syn at PDW’s Blind Fury, I’ll pull you away just for being horrible.

He laughed as I took a puff of the blunt and chuckled a little myself.

BB: Fuck you, bruh. Bet I can still whip ya ass right now.

I looked over the edge of the roof before glancing back over at Shane.

BB: But not up here. I don’t trust ya ass up here.

Shane snickered.

Shane Henning: … You shouldn’t.

I squinted my eyes and wondered if he was serious, but didn’t care too much about it. It started to hit me that in the matter of twenty minutes I had agreed to return to wrestling. And it didn’t take all that much convincing. Maybe it was what I wanted to do for awhile, but I just needed a push? Whatever the reason was, I couldn’t deny the fact that it felt good being able to say that I was returning to the ring.