Post by Josh Duncan on Dec 1, 2014 13:22:21 GMT -6
(The show opens up and “Edge of a Revolution” by Nickelback plays, while the cameras get a few quick shots of the crowd before going to the announcers.)
Roy Hardy: Welcome ladies and gentlemen! And thank you for joining us for PWP 13: Lucky 13! I’m Roy Hardy and as always I’m joined by my partner, Jesse Watson, for the evening. And Jesse.. Are you ready?
Jesse Watson: Oh you bet your ass I’m ready. I’ve been ready for this ever since the last PWP show ended!
Roy Hardy: We’ve got some great matches tonight. Including our Main Event for the evening, a PWP Heavyweight Championship match.
Jesse Watson: And also we’ve got a death match invitational. I’m very interested to see how that goes down.
Roy Hardy: We’ve got all of that and more. But first, a quick break and then the first match of the evening, some triple threat action!
Triple Threat Match
Ian Rothburn vs. Achilles vs. Ricky Valero
Randal Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a triple threat match! First, from Coney Island, New York, weighing in at 188 pounds, Achilles!
("Warrior" by Thin Lizzy begins to play as Achilles emerged from the curtain. But, before he walked down the ramp, he quickly spray paints a red A across it, before tossing the can into the audience (unless it's a hardcore match, of course). He then sprints towards the ring, and slides in, before hopping up and leaning against the far ropes looking on for his opponent for the night.)
Randal Jobbs: And the second competitor, weighing in at 227 pounds, Ricky Valero!
("Cinderella Man” by Eminem blasts throughout the arena. White and pink strobe lights flash as "Pretty" Ricky makes his appearance and stands through a cloud of fog turned to the side a bit and his arms out with a genuine smirk lightening his face.
His manager Spencer Novak and bodyguard Aurora follow closely behind him as he makes his way down the entranceway. He circles the ring, before reaching the far corner. He slowly climbs up to the steps and leans his back against the ropes, bouncing a few times before hopping into the ring.
Ricky spins around in the center of the ring with his arms extended out, absorbing the sheer hatred the fans shower him with. He walks towards the ropes on the far side of the ring and simply smiles. The music slowly quiets down as Ricky turns and leans against the ropes closest to the entranceway, awaiting his opponent; or if his opponent is already in the ring, he'll just prepare for the match he's got ahead of him.)
Randal Jobbs: And the third competitor, from Chicago, IL by way of The Multiverse, weighing in at 217 pounds, Ian Rothburn!
("Tom Sawyer" by Rush starts to play. Ian Rothburn appears and slowly begins to walk down the ramp towards the ring. As he slides into the ring, he is immediately attacked by Valero and Achilles.)
[Ding Ding Ding]
(Valero and Achilles begin to put the boots to Rothburn; he does his best to cover up and protect himself. After a couple more boots, Valero and Achilles bring him to his feet. The two of them lift him up and drop him to the mat with a double suplex.)
Roy Hardy: We are seeing a bit of an alliance here in the early beginnings.
Jesse Watson: Indeed, but it won’t last long; not in this match.
(Rothburn rolls out of the ring in order to gain breather; Valero watches him as he rests on the outside. After sizing him up, Valero hits the ropes; he rebounds, looking to hit some type of a dive. However, Achilles cools his brakes with a stiff forearm shot that takes Valero to the mat. Achilles quickly drops to the mat and goes for the cover.)
ONE
T?
(Valero kicks out with some force. Achilles mounts him and places his hands around Valero’s neck. The ref begins to count as Valero struggles to breathe.)
ONE…
TWO…
THREE…
FOUR…
(Achilles releases the hold. Valero rolls away, gasping for breath. At the same time, Rothburn slides in the ring. Achilles spots him and charges at him; Rothburn drops him with an arm drag. Achilles gets back up, and gets dropped again with another arm drag. Achilles gets back to his feet again; Rothburn springs up and blasts him with a drop kick. Achilles hits the mat, and Rothburn goes for the pin.)
ONE
TWO?
(Achilles kicks out.)
Roy Hardy: A very nice sequence by Rothburn right there.
Jesse Watson: But it wasn’t enough this time.
(Rothburn makes it to his feet; instead of focusing on Achilles, he turns his attention to Valero, who has just pulled himself off of the mat. Rothburn throws a kick, but Valero catches his leg; he then jumps up and blast Rothburn with an enziguri. Valero then drops him with a short-arm clothesline. Valero pulls Rothburn closer to the center of the ring before putting on a camel clutch; he wretches back, causing Rothburn to scream out in pain. Achilles makes it to feet. Seeing that Rothburn is in trouble, he walks over and gives Valero a forearm shot; however, Valero doesn’t break the hold. Achilles gives him two more forearms, but Valero still maintains this hold. Achilles hits the ropes; he rebounds and hits him with a boot to the face.)
Roy Hardy: That’s one way to break a hold.
Jesse Watson: It wasn’t pretty; but, it was effective wasn’t it?
(Valero rolls out to the apron. Meanwhile, Achilles brings Rothburn to his feet; he then whips him into the corner. Achilles runs in and connects with a big splash; he then runs to the opposite corner. Achilles rebounds and whacks Rothburn with a discus clothesline. Before Rothburn can slump to the mat, Achilles grabs him by the neck and plants him with a bulldog. He drags him to the center of the ring and goes for the cover.)
ONE
(Valero makes it to his feet on the apron. He springboards up.)
TWO
T?
(The pin is broken up as Valero comes off the top rope with a leg drop; Achilles holds his neck in pain. Valero rolls Achilles onto his back and goes for the pin.)
ONE
TWO
(Achilles gets a shoulder up. Valero gets up and then begins to lay the boots to Achilles; after a while, he rolls to the outside. Valero turns around and gets caught with a open-hand slap that rock him; Rothburn then hits the ropes. He rebounds, but Valero hits him with an atomic drop; he then leaps high into the air and rocks Rothburn with a knee to the chin. Quickly, Valero yokes up his opponents drives his head down with a snap DDT. He goes for the cover.)
Jesse Watson: This could be it!
ONE
TWO
THR?
Roy Hardy: No!
(Rothburn kicks out. Valero immediately brings him to a vertical base and slams him down to the mat; Valero heads to the corner and climbs to the top rope. Valero stalls on the top rope, trying to find his footing. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Achilles getting to his feet on the outside. Valero shifts his body and bit and dives off the top rope with a cross body. Valero collides with Achilles, knocking him back down to the ground; Valero pops right back up, hops onto the ring apron and climbs back to the top rope.)
Roy Hardy: Ricky hit the jackpot with that dive.
Jesse Watson: And he’s going right back to the well again here.
(At this point, Rothburn is back on his feet. He turns around just in time to see Valero fly off the top rope; he catches Rothburn with a hurricanrana and hooks the leg.)
ONE
TWO
THR?
(Valero gets right back up, still maintaining control of Rothburn’s leg. He flips Rothburn onto his stomach and quickly locks in a STF.)
Roy Hardy: Excellent transition there.
Jesse Watson: Rothburn has taken a lot of punishment. I’m not sure how much longer he’s going to last.
(Achilles rolls into the ring. He begins stomping on Valero in order to break the hold. Achilles dead-lifts Valero off the mat and drops him over his knee with a back-breaker. He then lifts him back up and plants him with a side-slam. He then goes for the cover.)
ONE
TWO
(Valero gets his shoulder up.)
Jesse Watson: Achilles nearly won the match right there!
(Achilles get up to his feet and smack the ring ropes in frustration. He then turns his attention to Rothburn, for his starting to stir. Achilles catches Rothburn with a European Uppercut, which staggers Rothburn a bit. Rothburn responds with a stiff forearm shot. Achilles takes the shot and comes back with another European Uppercut. Rothburn fires up with a number of rapid forearm strikes before hitting the ropes. On the rebound Achilles rushes forwards bit and levels Rothburn with an elbow strike to the forehead, knocking him to back into the ropes. Rothburn rebound again and gets rocked with a superkick.)
Roy Hardy: Now that was vicious!
Jesse Watson: “Aint nothing like a super kick party!”
(Valero makes it back to his feet. Achilles rushes at him, looking for a clothesline, but Valero sees it coming and is able to duck under it. Achilles turns back around and gets hit with a sole-butt that knocks him to his knee and into the ropes. Valero fires in and hits him with “The Walkoff,” sending Achilles through the ropes and crumbling to the floor. He then walks over and blasts Rothburn with a punt to the face. Slowly, he then brings Rothburn to his feet. He puts him on into a Cobra Clutch. Rothburns fights and struggles to get out, but its clear that the match has taken a toll on him. After a few seconds, Rothburn appears to be fading. But before he does, Valero lifts him up and demolishes him with “The Franchise Tag.” He then goes for the cover.)
ONE
TWO
THREE!
Randal Jobbs: And your winner, at the 12:17 minute mark...RICKY VALERO!
Roy Hardy: What a battle that was. All three men looked impressive.
Jesse Watson: Indeed they did, but Ricky is the victory here.
Caleb Haines vs. Savannah
Randall Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
(“That Ain’t Classy” by Classified begins to play and Caleb Haines emerges from the back.)
Randall Jobbs: From Toronto, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 227 pounds… Caleb Haines!
(Caleb jumps up onto the ring apron and steps through the ropes, going to one corner and waiting for his opponent.)
Randall Jobbs: And his opponent…
(“Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns N Roses plays and Savannah makes her way out.)
Randall Jobbs: From Seattle, Washington, weighing 165 pounds… Savannah!
(She slides under the bottom rope and into the ring, taking the opposite corner as Caleb.)
Roy Hardy: We’ve got two very powerful competitors in this contest. This will be a good one.
Jesse Watson: Oh yeah it will. I’m looking forward to this.
(The bell rings and Haines and Savannah lock up in the center of the ring. Caleb grabs Savannah in a side headlock but Savannah shoves him off into the ropes. As he comes off of them, he takes her down with a shoulder block. Caleb hits the ropes again and looks to drop an elbow onto the chest of Savannah but she rolls out of the way in time.)
Roy Hardy: Good job by Savannah to avoid that elbow drop.
Jesse Watson: We saw last month what Haines can do when he gets on a roll. Savannah has to keep him from getting too much momentum.
(Savannah gets to her feet and hits the ropes. As Caleb gets to one knee, Savannah drills him with a hard kick to the face. While he's dazed, she gets him up and attempts to send him into the corner but Caleb reverses it. Haines charges into the corner but Savannah brings her knees up, catching Caleb in the face with them. He staggers back and when he turns around, Savannah charges in and catches him a clothesline. She then hit’s the ropes and connects with a senton. She hooks the leg for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Good pin attempt made by Savannah but Caleb is not going to be put down that easy.
Jesse Watson: Savannah is determined to get back on the winning track, here in PWP.
(Savannah gets Caleb up and sends him into the corner. She charges in but he’s able to get a foot up in her face, stopping her. He grabs her by the hair and pulls her into the corner. He lands several hard back elbow shots before grabbing her and sending her off into the opposite corner. He charges in and lands a hard yakuza kick in the corner. He pulls her out and sends her into the ropes. As she comes off of them, he catches her with a sidewalk slam and hooks the leg…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Caleb Haines starting to get some big time momentum going.
Jesse Watson: And that’s not good news for Savannah.
(Caleb pulls Savannah up, landing several hard knee strikes to the face as he does, before lifting her up and planting her into the mat with a body slam. He walks over to the corner, perching himself up on the second rope. He leaps off, going for a diving leg drop but Savannah moves out of the way in time.)
Roy Hardy: Nice job by Savannah, there!
(Savannah gets up, hit’s the ropes and hit’s a hard, low clothesline while Caleb is still in a seated position. Savannah crawls over, going for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(She pulls Caleb up to his feet and he battles back with a hard right hand to the midsection, following it up with a hard forearm shot to the mouth. While she is stunned by the forearm shot, he connects with a discus lariat and then going for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Good lord, Caleb was looking to take her head off with that lariat.
Jesse Watson: Any harder and he might have. Literally.
Roy Hardy: She’s definitely going to be feeling dazed after that one.
(Haines starts to bring Savannah up to her feet but she lunges forward, driving her shoulder into his midsection. She does it a second time but before she can get too much more going, Haines delivers a hard clubbing blow to the back. He then goes for a discus elbow but Savannah ducks under it. Savannah then grabs Haines and then plants him with an inverted DDT and then goes for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Jesse Watson: Close but not enough.
(Savannah brings Caleb to his feet and drills him in the mouth with a few hard forearm shots. She hit’s the ropes and as she comes off of them, Haines catches her with a big boot. Savannah crawls over on her hands and knees to the corner and uses the ropes to help get to her feet. Caleb charges in, looking to drive his shoulder into her midsection but Savannah hops up until the second rope and Haines goes between her legs and drives his own shoulder into the ring post.)
Roy Hardy: Great counter by Savannah and now Haines is hurting!
(Caleb staggers out of the corner, hunched over and holding onto his shoulder. As he turns around to face Savannah, she leaps off of the second rope and connects with “The Pounce.” She hooks the leg..)
1...
2...
3!!!!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 8:21 mark of the match… Savannah!
Roy Hardy: Caleb was looking to drive the wind out of Savannah with that running shoulder to the midsection, in the corner but Savannah was able to avoid it and she connected with that second rope diving spear to get the win!
Jesse Watson: Very impressive victory by Savannah, here tonight. Caleb showed last week that he’s not a guy to mess with and Savannah, much like several other times in the past here in the PWP, has shown she’s one of the toughest females in wrestling today.
Roy Hardy: She really is. She’s had numerous impressive showings, both in victory and defeat. And tonight was no difference, picking up the victory over Caleb Haines.
Nina Stokes vs. Violet
The crowds were anticipating the next match, as "Renegade" by War of Ages played through the speakers, causing a fairly positive reaction for her entrance.
Randall Jobbs: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one-fall! Making her way to the ring first, residing in Miami, Florida! Nina! "Harley"! Stokes!
She dropped down to one knee, after emerging from the curtain in a Tebow-like pose. Nina glanced up at the cheering crowd, before confidently walking towards the ring, as the commentary team speaks about her.
Roy Hardy: Nina looks intense, and ready to fight. Let's see how she fares against a veteran to PWP in Violet Bloom.
Jesse Watson: This should be quite a match, with two young, athletic, babes ready to put on a great fight.
As she approached the ring, she climbs up to the apron and wiped her feet off. Nina hopped over the top rope and removed her jacket, doing some stretches as she waits for her opponent. Her theme was fading out, and replaced with "Pretty Little Psycho" by Porcelain Black, as Violet received an equal amount of cheers as Nina.
Randall Jobbs: And her opponent, from Las Vegas, Nevada! She is the Pretty Little Psycho, Violet Bloom!
Roy Hardy: Violet's had some good showings in PWP before, let's see how well she does tonight.
Jesse Watson: And who knows? We've got Harley and Red.... maybe Catwoman will show up, and we can have the Gotham City Sirens tag together!
Roy Hardy: .... You're an idiot, Jesse.
Jesse Watson: What?!
While the commentary team bickered amongst each other, Violet jogged to ringside and gets on the apron, striking a short pose. She ducked under the top rope, glaring at Nina, as one of her more aggressive personalities began to take over her will. The opening bell rings, as both ladies circle each other. Both lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up position, battling for early control. Nina, being a little shorter, ducked in, putting Violet in a waist lock. Stokes wrenched her body, but, Violet wriggled out, and puts her in a side headlock. Violet tossed Nina over with a hip toss, and gives her a few punches to the head. She was about to apply pressure, however, Nina kicked high, clipping Violet in the back of the head, loosening the hold. Nina stretched out and then hits Violet once more, causing her to grunt with pain, as she released the hold.
Roy Hardy: Nina just pulled off a crafty escape. She has a strong ground game, for sure.
Jesse Watson: No doubt about it. She's very well rounded as a wrestler.
Nina gets to her feet, and grabbed Violet's arm, locking her in a wrist lock. She tossed the redhead over with an armdrag, though, the taller and more flexible Violet used her lower body strength and started to choke Nina with her strong calves. Violet shifted downwards, applying more pressure to Nina's neck, however, Stokes escaped with a few strikes to Violet's abdomen. Nina then began prying her legs apart, and rolled away to catch her breath.
Roy Hardy: Violet's no slouch in that department, either.
Jesse Watson: This is a very solid match between these two, each showing off their technical side.
Nina was slowly getting to her knees, while Violet was a little more refreshed. She walked over, and grabbed Nina's hair, before slamming her back into the canvas. While she was down, Violet stepped back towards the ropes, and rebounded off before leaping up with a fist drop and a quick cover, that was kicked out of at 2.
Roy Hardy: Close call with that fist drop, Violet's starting to set the pace of the match, making it a little more aggressive.
Violet gets Stokes into a seated position, and then kneels down, putting a reverse chin lock on Nina. Stokes groaned with discomfort as Violet applied pressure, stretching her head back. Nina clenched her fists, while the crowds slowly began to stomp their feet building momentum for her, as she fights her way to her feet.
Jesse Watson: Looks like Nina's fighting her way out of this hold!
Stokes gets on one knee, before elbowing her opponent in the midsection. Violet released the hold, but quickly gives her a shoot kick to the back, which echoed through the arena as Nina looked like she was in extreme pain.
Roy Hardy: Ouch! You could hear that outside!
Jesse Watson: And Nina's face says it all, folks! That had to hurt.
Violet gets Nina up to her feet, and clutched her for a vertical suplex. She lifted Nina up, but, she lands on her feet. Turning Violet around, she sweeped out her leg with an STO takedown and followed through with a delayed knee drop, before going for a pinfall on her. 1.. 2.. No!
Roy Hardy: Wow! Violet kicked out at two and a half!
Jesse Watson: That was a nasty combination by Nina Stokes, I'm shocked that she escaped out of that!
Violet was slow to get up, as Nina taunted to the crowd. She began to head to the outer apron, looking for her slingshot DDT, as she stalked her opponent. Violet began to get up on spaghetti legs, and Nina springs in, driving Violet's head into the mat, as that move taken a lot out of both women.
Roy Hardy: Whoa! What a move!
Jesse Watson: It looks like she hurt herself just as much as she hurt Violet, though. She needs to cover her, now.
Nina slowly began to stir, and crawled over, hooking both of Violet's legs, looking for the pin on her. 1.. 2.. no! Nina shot up in disbelief that Violet managed to kick out of that move.
Roy Hardy: Wow! What resiliency by Violet Bloom, tonight!
Jesse Watson: She's taken a beating, but, Nina just hasn't been able to put her away.
Nina gets Violet up on her legs, and tucked her in. She hooked both arms looking for the tiger bomb, but, Violet wriggled out and lifted Nina up before planting her back down hard with a Samoan Drop, as she covered Nina quickly. 1.. 2.. No!
Roy Hardy: Beautiful counter into a Samoan Drop, and another near fall in this match!
Jesse Watson: Very close call by Nina Stokes as well. Neither one of these two want to give the other an inch.
Violet looked like she was getting ready to finish this match, as she gets Nina to her feet. She started to Irish whip Nina into the corner, but, it's a reversal! Violet runs face first into the turnbuckle, and Nina goes for a backslide pin, but, she bridged over her body as well. 1.. 2.. 3!
The ending bell rings, as Nina rolled off of Violet, as she looked surprised at what hit her. Stokes celebrated outside of the ring, as one of Violet's more aggressive personalities took over, talking trash at her.
Randall Jobbs: Here is your winner, via pinfall at the 10:13 mark of the match… Nina Stokes!
Roy Hardy: Tremendous match between two of wrestling’s most talented ladies.
Jesse Watson: Just as competitive as I knew it’d be! I’m sad to see it over.
Roy Hardy: It was a fun match to watch, that’s for sure.
Jackson vs. Chris Night
Randall Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
(The lights dim, heavy mist filling the ramp as strobe lights begin to pulse slowly. A steady bass throb begins, growing in volume, sounding much like a heartbeat. A single gunshot shatters the silence, followed by mocking laughter and Jackson's voice hurling insults before the music skips, and then the sounds of "Lies" by Evanescence filters through the speakers. Dark red strobes pulsate on the entrance-way; illuminated in the shadows are the unmistakable silhouettes of a man and a woman. The pair step forward as a shower of red and indigo pyrotechnics rain down over them.)
Randall Jobbs: From Reno, Nevada, weighing in at 213 pounds… Jackson!
(Jackson pauses at the top of the ramp, bathed in sparks as he turns towards his wife, the radiant Lyv Jackson and holds out his hand to her. She takes it and he pulls her close, grabbing the back of her thigh as he kisses her deeply. She smirks and leans her head against his chest as he releases the embrace and begins walking with her towards the ring, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. He circles the ring once, his eyes steady, a look of angry concentration on his face, before ascending the ring steps. Once there he holds out his trusty baseball bat to his girl and waits while she takes it before climbing between the ropes. Lyv flashes her husband a devilish smile, puts her hand to her lips, and mimes blowing Jackson a kiss for luck. He snatches it from the air and mimes placing it in his pocket before stalking towards the center of the ring. Jackson stands there, his head thrown back in a triumphant roar as the music comes to a grinding halt, cut off with a squeal of feedback.)
Randall Jobbs: And his opponent…
(The lights darken and red pyro suddenly comes out of the entrance way and the lighting turns red, as "The Pretender" by Foo Fighters hits, and out walks Chris Night with Kelly Fury by his side. Chris raises his hands up in the air, as the fans begin to cheer him on.)
Randall Jobbs: From San Bernadino, California, weighing in at 200 pounds… Chris Night!
(Chris Night then runs down the entrance way and slides into the ring as Kelly follows behind, slapping the hands of the front row fans. Chrise then jumps up onto the very top of the turnbuckle and raises his hands. Chris then back flips off the top, and lands on the apron on his feet as red pyro explodes out of all four turnbuckles.)
Roy Hardy: A very interesting match up here. Two high profile competitors and two very contrasting styles. This will be good.
(As soon as the bell rings, Jackson tries to take a quick cheap shot, swinging at Chris Night but Chris ducks the sucker punch attempt. As Jackson turns around, Night hits him with some aggressive forearm shots to the mouth. Night grabs Jackson and attempts to send him off into the ropes but Jackson reverses it. As Night comes off of the ropes, Jackson goes for a clothesline but Chris ducks under the attempt. Night hit’s the ropes again and as Jackson turns around, Chris catches him with a spinning heel kick. Both men get to their feet and Chris goes for a kick but Jackson catches his foot. Night doesn’t miss a beat though, connecting with a dragon whip kick.)
Roy Hardy: Chris Night is on fire right now!
Jesse Watson: I don’t think Jackson expected to see Night so aggressive here in the early going.
(When Jackson gets to his feet, Chris grabs him shoves him into the corner. As Chris comes in at him, Jackson comes back with a hard European uppercut. Jackson grabs Chris and brings him into the corner. Jackson lands some hard right hand punches but Chris is finally able to block one of them, coming back with some forearms. Jackson stops the forearms though, hitting Night with a quick head butt that stuns him. Jackson backs up to the center of the ring and then charges in but Chris gets his elbow up, catching Jackson in the mouth with it. Chris jumps up to the second rope and as Jackson turns around, Night leaps off and catches him with a hurricanrana. Chris rushes over and goes for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Night keeping the momentum going and making the first pin attempt but only getting a two count.
Jesse Watson: Jackson really needs to get something going here, to get back into this match.
(Both men get to their feet and Jackson goes to throw a kick to the stomach but Chris catches it and lands a step over spin kick. He goes for another pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Chris caught him hard in the mouth with that spin kick and he tries to put him away but still not nearly enough.
(They both get up and Jackson strikes first with a quick kick to the midsection. He hits Night with a few chops to the chest before delivering a European uppercut, sending Night staggering backwards into the ropes. Jackson charges in but Night sidesteps him, pulling the top rope down and Jackson goes flying over the top and to the outside. Jackson lands on his feet and smirks but when he turns around, Night slingshots himself over the top rope, catching Jackson with a plancha.)
Roy Hardy: Chris Night taking to the air!
Jesse Watson: Jackson was pretty pleased with himself that he had the body control to land on his feet but he didn’t see that coming!
Roy Hardy: This has been almost all Chris Night here in the opening 5 minutes of this contest!
(Chris rolls Jackson into the ring and then jumps up onto the ring apron and climbs to the top rope. As Jackson gets to his feet, Night leaps off and connects with a missile dropkick. He then crawls over for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Chris quickly gets Jackson up and hits him with some forearms to the mouth. He then attempts to send Jackson into the ropes but Jackson reverses it. As Night comes off the ropes, Jackson catches him with a gorilla press and then drops him, catching him with a hard punch to the gut as he’s coming down.)
Roy Hardy: Big counter by Jackson there.
Jesse Watson: That could have been a big game changer.
Roy Hardy: Yeah, he may have knocked the wind right out of Chris Night.
(As Night climbs to his feet, Jackson lifts him up and brings him down gut-first across his knee, with a stomach breaker. He pushes down Night’s back, driving his ribs down into his knee before getting him up and then planting him into the mat with a brain buster. Jackson goes for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Jackson is starting to zero in on that stomach, it looks like.
Jesse Watson: It’s a good strategy. If Night can’t breathe, he can’t do much of anything.
(Jackson starts to get Chris up but Chris reaches up and pulls him down into a small package pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night just almost stole the match!
(They both rush to their feet and Chris swings at Jackson but Jackson ducks it and grabs Night into a sleeper hold.)
Jesse Watson: Sleeper hold! Kicking it a little old school, here.
Roy Hardy: Jackson is an old school competitor. He’s not flashy. He just looks for ways to hurt you and wear you out.
(Chris drops down, catching Jackson with a jawbreaker and getting him to break the sleeper that Jackson had synched in. Night gets up, grabbing Jackson and sending him off into the ropes. As Jackson comes off the ropes, Chris catches him with a dropkick. With Jackson down, Chris then goes for a standing moonsault but Jackson gets his knees up into the ribs of Night.)
Roy Hardy: Chris was looking to gain his momentum back but Jackson with a well placed counter.
Jesse Watson: Right back to those ribs of Chris Night. He has to do a better job of protecting himself.
(Jackson gets up and drags Chris up along with him. Jackson lands a hard kick to the stomach, before landing a couple of hard right hands, backing Chris up into the corner. Jackson lands several hard kicks to the gut before grabbing him and attempting to send him into the opposite corner but Night reverses it. Chris comes charging in but Jackson gets his foot up, catching Night in the mouth hard with the boot. As Night staggers backwards and turns around, Jackson charges out of the corner, going for a clothesline but Night ducks it. Chris spins Jackson around and goes for “Lights Out” but Jackson shoves him off into the ropes. As Chris bounces off of them, Jackson catches him with a kick to the midsection and then plants him with “Welcome To The Machine” bridging over into a pin with it..)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night kicking out JUST in time!
Jesse Watson: I thought that may have been the end of it for him, right there.
(Jackson pulls Night to his feet and lifts him up into a gorilla press but Night is able to wiggle his way out of Night’s grasp, landing on his feet behind Jackson. Jackson turns around and Night grabs him and plants him with a cutter, going for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night connected with “Lights Out” that time but it wasn’t enough to keep Jackson down and out of it!
Jesse Watson: As expected, this has been a hell of a match!
(Chris gets up and goes to the corner, climbing up to the top rope and signaling for “The Nightmare Splash.” He leaps off, going for the frog splash but Jackson rolls out of the way in time.)
Jesse Watson: Chris Night just crashed and burned!
Roy Hardy: That’s why it’s called high risk. This time, the risk didn’t pay off.
(Jackson gets up, pulling Chris up as well. Jackson drives his knee into Night’s midsection several times before lifting him and driving him into the mat with a power bomb. Jackson goes for the pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Jackson turns Chris over and then locks him into a camel clutch submission hold.)
Roy Hardy: Jackson is really wrenching back on Night’s neck.
Jesse Watson: Another move that makes it tough for Night to breathe. He may have to tap out.
(Night looks like he’s about to give in and tap out at one point but he’s able to struggle over to the ropes enough to maneuver his foot over, draping it across the bottom on.)
Roy Hardy: Great ring awareness by Chris Night to get to the ropes.
Jesse Watson: You call it ring awareness but I call it fighting for his life.
(The ref forces Jackson to break the submission hold and he does. He starts to get Night to his feet and Chris starts to fight back, landing a few shots to the midsection of Jackson. Chris hit’s the ropes but as he comes off of them, Jackson lands a kick to the stomach and then drives Night into the mat with a fisherman suplex. Jackson hooks the leg for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Jackson brings Night to his feet and sends him off into the corner. Jackson charges in, going for a corner clothesline but Chris moves out of the way in time and Jackson crashes chest-first into the turnbuckles. Chris delivers a dropkick to Jackson’s back and he staggers out of the corner. As he does, Chris brings him down with a schoolboy pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!!
Roy Hardy: Man that was close! Chris Night almost picked up the victory there!
Jesse Watson: These guys are pulling everything out trying to get this win!
(Both men rush to their feet and Jackson charges at Night but Chris catches him with a drop toe hold. As Jackson rolls over onto his back, Chris hit’s the ropes and then connects with rolling thunder. He goes for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Chris gets up and goes to the corner, perching himself up on the second rope. As Jackson gets to his feet, Night leaps off, going for a cross body but Jackson catches him. Jackson then swings him up and then drives him down into the mat with “Therapy.” Jackson hooks the leg..)
1...
2...
3!!!!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 17:12 mark of the match.. Jackson!!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night went high risk, looking for that diving cross body but Jackson had it scouted and reversed it, connecting with that Michinoku Driver for the win!
Jesse Watson: And man did he spike Night into the ring or what!
Roy Hardy: He sure did. Chris really put up a hell of a fight and had Jackson on the ropes, many times during this match. But that Michinoku Driver was the game changer.
Jesse Watson: That wasn’t just the game changer, that was the game ender. The walk off home run. The last second hail mary touchdown. The buzzer beating three pointer.
Roy Hardy: We get the picture. Jackson came through in the clutch when he needed to. And that was the deciding factor in this fantastic match.
Laurel Anne Hardy Deathmatch Invitational I
Jamie Steel vs. Matt Kail vs. Suzume Mitsuyoshi vs. Whiskey Ayano vs. Zack Lifer vs. Laurel Anne Hardy
Randall Jobbs: The following match is a six-way deathmatch which will be fought to one fall! In this match there are no countouts, no disqualifications, and falls count anywhere within the auditorium.
(As the general ballistic hubbub of the audience settles, different sections of the room start chanting for different competitors. There's even a very small crowd of like fifteen people chanting for the relatively unknown Jamie Steel.)
Randall Jobbs: Introducing first...
(A big cheer goes up as the stage is beamed on by gold and white lights, the bulbs dimming slightly. Heroic hues float over the entryway, the ramp and of course the audience, who ignite with cheers as "Alive in the Lights" by Memphis May Fire booms through the speakers.)
(As the lights of gold and white beam down against the crowd, searching up the stairs and to the cheap seats, they notice a familiar silhouette. Standing in the middle of a crowd of screaming, sign-waving Lifer Addicts is the man himself, raising in one hand that old hardcore wrestling staple, a metal trash can full of weapons. After a moment he starts making his way down the stands.)
(Zack Lifer's approach to the ring is slower than usual, understandably given that he's bringing a large bin with him, but after placing it over the guardrail he then clears the barrier himself in one standing jump. He tosses a few items from the can into the ring then cross to the stairs.)
Randall Jobbs: From Newark, New Jersey, weighing two hundred and two pounds...
(As he gets to the top of the steps, his eyes dart across the arena, stunned by the crowd reaction. The audience gets louder as he climbs the turnbuckle, his arm rising in triumph with a gentle smirk across his face.)
Randall Jobbs: ZAAAACK... LIIIFEEERRR!
(A single golden colored firework shoots diagonally from the stage, the location of its starting point mirroring the top turnbuckle he resides on - Zack now already pacing the ring after hopping the rope effortlessly from the apron. The firework screeches loudly, cutting across the arena air and another loud pop from the crowd.)
(He keeps his eyes on the entrance way as he paces back and forth, the faintest hint of a smile on the corner of one lip.)
Randall Jobbs: And his first opponent...
(As the opening to Dragonforce's “Soldiers of the Wasteland" starts to fill the arena, Suzume Mitsuyoshi pushes her way through the curtain. She's in brand new ring gear tonight, complete with epaulettes and striking gloves and decorated in the colour and trim of 40k's World Eaters traitor Chaos chapter, but even more eye catching is her faithful barbed wire baseball bat which is slung over one shoulder. She grins as she looks around at the crowd, then raises her bat up to a big pop before raising her other hand to join the first in a V shape. Then she starts making her way down the ramp and slapping a few fans' hands on the way.)
Randall Jobbs: From Osaka... weighing in at one hundred twenty-seven pounds... SUZUME... MITSUUUYOOOOOOSHIIIIII!
(As she's formally introduced, Suzume slides under the bottom rope, climbing up onto the nearest turnbuckle and raising both arms up into the air again. She thrusts the bat into the air twice, pointing out into the crowd before hopping down. She and Zack Lifer bow to each other, then she leans herself back against the turnbuckle.)
Randall Jobbs: And the third entrant...
(Spotlights dance across the stage as I:Scintilla's “Ammunition" blasts onto the speakers. When the song kicks in properly Matt Kail bursts through the curtain, screaming in excitement and getting the fans even more hyped. He's strapped down with a huge backpack, a utility belt, a flak jacket, thigh holsters - all black, and all (of course) stuffed with weapons. As he runs to the ring he darts back and forth to slap outstretched hands.)
Randall Jobbs: From London, Ontario! Weighing two hundred and twelve pounds...
(After gauging his chances of successfully sliding through the ropes weighed down with all this gear, Matt just shakes his head climbs up onto the apron and rolls over the top.)
Randall Jobbs: MAAAAATT... KAAAAAAILLLL!
(Matt nods to Suzume and Zack in turn, then starts shrugging off his backpack.)
Randall Jobbs: The fourth entrant...
(The opening drum solo of ‘What's Left of Me' by Redneck Remedy kicks off, the strobe lights thrumming with every beat of the kickers. The silhouette of a person appears against the lights before they suddenly shut off and the whole arena goes dark for a moment. The guitar riff and the lights come back on simultaneously to show Whisky Ayano standing at the top of the ramp, a large, flowing robe bearing the Rebel Union insignia on the back of it covering her like a shroud. She steps aside to reveal the frame of a shopping trolley cart, but the basket has been replaced by a modest-sized liquor cabinet. It is - obviously - stocked.)
Randall Jobbs: From Saga by way of Nashville, weighing one hundred and fifty-four pounds...
(Whiskey grabs two bottles from it and pours them both into her throat at the same time, then tosses the bottles and draws a lighter which she uses to spit out a large gout of flame to a big pop.)
Randall Jobbs: WHISKEEEEYYYY... AYYYAAAANOOOOO!
(The Deep South Dragon pushes the cart down to ringside - and before entering asks Matt, Suzume and Zack what they want to drink. Suzume says she wants a Fireball, and Whiskey can't help but laugh. Matt shrugs and puts in an order for rum, while Zack asks for a Coke. Whiskey raises an eyebrow.)
Whiskey Ayano: What-u do you want with that? Vodka? Rum? Scotch?
Zack Lifer: Just Coke is fine.
(Whiskey shrugs and starts pouring them out while her music fades, in favour of Krewella's “Killin' It.")
Randall Jobbs: And the fifth entrant...
(As the beat comes in, Jamie Steel walks out onstage looking equal parts excited and nervous. As she surveys the ring she takes in Lifer's trash can, Mitsuyoshi's barbed wire bat, Kail's tactical combat suit and Ayano's bar on wheels, then finally down at her own empty hands, looking like she's kicking herself inside. But nonetheless she starts making her way down, high fiving fans.)
Randall Jobbs: From Manchester, weighing one hundred and thirty-four pounds... JAAAAAMIIIEEE! STEEEEEL!
(As Jamie reaches the ring, Whiskey halts her. She gestures to the cabinet again and asks what she wants. Jamie looks across her opponents from the night, looks thoughtful for a moment, then asks for tequila. Whiskey commends her choice and gets to it.)
Randall Jobbs: And their final opponent!
(The lights dim again as Deerhoof's “Super Duper Rescue Heads !" hits and pink, green and blue lights twinkle across the entranceway. As the beat kicks in a figure emerges, back to the audience, arms raised. Another big cheer goes up as she turns round and the lights return to normal, revealing long tie-dyed tights, a sky blue spaghetti crop with a cute yellow bumblebee print and fake flowers in her hair.)
Randall Jobbs: From Rhyl, weighing one hundred and forty-eight pounds...
(But instead of coming to the ring Laurel turns back through the curtain. Randal frowns in confusion, but Laurel quickly re-emerges dragging a cart full of weapons in both hands - all of them decorated with multicoloured paint and swirls of glitter.)
Randall Jobbs: LAUREL! ANNE! HAAARDAAYYYY!
(When the Welshwoman reaches Whiskey, Whiskey asks what she's drinking. Laurel thinks for a moment then requests a blueberry and elderflower mojito, to which Whiskey responds with an unimpressed scowl and a double deuce. Laurel suggests a caipirinha; Whiskey hands her a bottle of cachaca and a lime and tells her to make it herself. Laurel shrugs and takes the bottle into the ring with her, then as she climbs the turnbuckles to pose, Whiskey passes everyone up their orders.)
Roy Hardy: “Six fighters, one fall, no rules" is how it was advertised. I'll be surprised if this doesn't end up as the craziest match we've had yet in PWP.
Jesse Watson: It's all your namesake's idea... blame her.
Roy Hardy: I'm pretty sure we're not related - which I'm glad about if this craziness is congenital. This match came about quite simply because Laurel Anne Hardy asked five of her friends to join her in a deathmatch. These six have been talking about how they're going to put each other through hell... for fun!?
Jesse Watson: Yup. We've seen both Laurel and Suzume tweeting earlier today about being ready for a release.
(The six competitors take up positions in the ring ready for the match - but Laurel stops referee Eric Wilson before he can ring the bell. She slides out to one of her weapon trollies, roots through it for a second, shoves some odd weapons including a bunch of light tubes into the ring, then pulls out...)
Roy Hardy: A camera?
(The Artist Currently Known As Fabulous re-enters the ring and hands the camera to Eric, then gestures for the others to get around her. The wrestlers assemble into a group huddle and raise their drinks, and the ref snaps the shot.)
Jesse Watson: Well, I guess an event like this needs the souvenir photo.
(Eric shows them the picture and they all nod approval. He passes the camera down to ringside, then calls for the bell.
Zack Lifer and Jamie Steel, at opposite ends of the scrum, have the same idea and lift the people next to them - Suzume and Matt respectively - in backdrop suplexes. That, in turn, sends Whiskey and Laurel over too since they're in the middle! Suzume kips up - straight into a front facelock from Jamie. A moment later Matt too is caught in Zack's clutches. Both Steel and Lifer lift their opponents up into vertical suplexes, only to be dropkicked in the face by Whiskey and Laurel respectively, sending all six competitors crashing to the mat.)
Roy Hardy: Eric Wilson wearing thick gloves there. Obviously expecting the ring to fill with sharp things...
(Whiskey grabs Jamie as she's the closest person to hand and tosses her from the ring before jumping out too. On the other side, Laurel does the same with Zack, leaving Matt and Suzume in the ring. Matt throws a jumping roundhouse which Suzume backrolls under. He swings back in the other direction and she spins behind him before throwing him over with a German suplex. As Matt lands he realises why wearing a big vest full of weapons to the ring was a bad idea, and calls for a time out to disrobe himself of his stuff.)
Jesse Watson: I think Kail has replicas of Deadpool's katanas in there! That has to hurt.
(On the outside, Whiskey and Jamie are tossing each other around ringside. Whiskey pummels Jamie with a couple of fists then whips her into the steps, but as Whiskey charges in with a big kick Jamie grabs the oncoming foot and yanks it over the stairs. Whiskey's painted face contorts in pain as her thigh muscles get stretched out, although it's only a moment before she's lariated to the ground by Jamie and thrown headfirst into the side of Zack's garbage can.
Lifer himself meanwhile is trading stiff backhand chest chops with Laurel Anne Hardy. As he blasts her, she sinks back against the barricade, but comes back and blasts him back, sending him sagging against the apron - only to return fire himself a moment later.)
Roy Hardy: Vicious, vicious shots from Lifer and Hardy.
Jesse Watson: Are you sure these guys are friends?
Roy Hardy: For people like Laurel and Zack this is probably how they say good morning.
(Zack wheels back and goes for a discus punch but Laurel grabs him around the waist and tries to lift him northern lights style. Zack sandbags and clubs her on the spine - only to be crushed by Suzume flying over the ropes courtesy of a back body drop from Matt! Laurel escapes the tangle and ducks under the ring apron, and to a huge, huge cheer pulls a large box-like table made entirely of Lego!)
Jesse Watson: Here we go! Hardy has wanted a Lego deathmatch all year, and she might have just got herself one!
Roy Hardy: Is Lego really that dangerous?
Jesse Watson: Ever stood on one barefoot?
Roy Hardy: Good point... and Laurel herself is one of the two barefoot wrestlers in there, along with Whiskey Ayano. She'd better hope that doesn't come back to bite her in the ass. Or... foot.
Jesse Watson: I honestly don't think she cares, Roy, as long as she gets something involving Lego into this match - oh! Matt Kail with huge air!
(While the Japanese Batman vaults over the top rope in a no hands plancha, wiping out both Whiskey and Jamie, Laurel smacks Zack in the head with a baking tray, one of the many weapons left spilt around ringside from the early brawling. She rolls him onto the Lego table, then whacks Suzume as well and powerslams her on top of Lifer. The Lego table creaks ominously, prompting a cheer, and Laurel climbs onto the apron and then up to the top turnbuckle.
She raises a fist, then readies herself to leap into Lifer and Mitsuyoshi. But she's triangle dropkicked all the way to ringside by Whiskey Ayano, landing far from her target! While Zack and Suzume come round and Whiskey tosses Laurel into the guardrail, Matt stomps Jamie and rolls her into the ring.)
Roy Hardy: Jamie Steel has been wrestling a while and won a fair number of titles, but never on a stage this big. This is her coming out match in many ways, her first chance to show the world what she's about.
Jesse Watson: She picked a weird match for it. She is not a hardcore wrestler. I mean, she didn't even bring a weapon!
Roy Hardy: True, but she shares that never say die attitude with the other five! And don't forget, Whiskey Ayano has really only been in one deathmatch - an absolute classic against The Saint Of Killers, V, right here in PWP.
Jesse Watson: What a match that was! If this one is even half as intense it'll be a classic too! And let's see what she's picked up...
(Whiskey grabs the bin Zack brought and scoops Laurel up, depositing her headfirst into it with the weapons still inside. She backs up and raises a bottle of brandy [you really gonna ask where it came from? It's Whiskey friggin' Ayano!]. After a long drink, she charges forward and slides into the can with a basement dropkick.)
Jesse Watson: Laurel's head must be ringing like a bell!
Roy Hardy: And Whiskey's not done...
(Whiskey empties the bin of both the weapons and her friend, then places it on the ground. She lifts Laurel up... Saito suplex through the can!)
Roy Hardy: Looks like she picked up plenty!
(While Whiskey disentangles herself from the crushed steel and Zack and Suzume exchange weapon shots around the corner, Matt whips Jamie towards the ropes. He catches her with a hiptoss on the way back, keeps the hold, and spins her into a kneeling armbar. She grits her teeth, fighting back panic, and tries to find an exit - but he's too strong. So she looks around, and realises Laurel's half-drunk bottle of cachaca is within scrabbling distance. Too late Matt realises what she's doing, and he can't block the headshot.)
Roy Hardy: There you go! Steel adapting to this environment!
(Jamie takes a swig from the bottle then hits Matt with it again. She twists him into a hammerlock then sweeps him to the ground, floats over and pushes her knees against his skull. He tries to push out so she floats round again, keeping the hammerlock in place and never letting him get the moment of stability to find an escape.)
Roy Hardy: Some classic British chain wrestling from Jamie Steel.
Jesse Watson: I think the fans want to see some more violence from this match, though!
Roy Hardy: Oh, something tells me they'll get it.
(Jamie rolls Matt and pulls him up into an abdominal stretch. But as she's cranking the pressure, Whiskey slides in and leaps for her in a vaulting neck snap. As the two women land Whiskey bridges out into a facelock - while Matt is still in the abdominal stretch, now being bent right back! He thrashes around as the pressure Whiskey is putting on Jamie adds to the pressure Jamie is putting on him.)
Roy Hardy: Jamie finding out that when it comes to submissions, it's better to give than to receive!
Jesse Watson: I think she'd probably figured that out already.
(A moment later Zack enters the ring, having whipped Suzume right over the guardrail, and grabs Whiskey's legs. Although her bridge drops, she keeps the facelock applied to Jamie even as Zack twists her into a figure four!)
Roy Hardy: Three submissions at once now!
(Suzume finds her way back to the ring a moment later and wraps her legs around Zack's neck in a scissors, reaching back to grab onto the ropes for added leverage.)
Jesse Watson: Make that four submissions at once!
Roy Hardy: And using the ropes like that is fine in this match.
(A roar goes up from the crowd as a ladder is pushed up against the side of the ring by Laurel Anne Hardy. She climbs to the top turnbuckle, pulls the ladder up and holds it perpendicular to herself, then backflips off.)
Roy Hardy: MOONSAULT WITH THE LADDER! Laurel just moonsaulted that ladder into all five opponents at once!
Jesse Watson: They really need to be more careful about storing those under the ring.
(All six competitors are slow getting back up. Jamie, on instinct, goes for another hammerlock on Lifer, but her own arm is twisted away by Suzume. Laurel gets under Suzume in an Argentine rack, and as she drops Suzume backwards, the hammerlock flips Jamie off her feet. Matt grabs Laurel's feet and lifts her up in a wheelbarrow, then slams her into Whiskey like a battering ram. Zack boots Matt to make him drop his stablemate, and as they all fall, Laurel's head lands in an especially uncomfortable part of Whiskey's anatomy - which is doubly bad for her as she lands on the ladder, and triply bad when Zack drops a leg across Laurel's shoulders.)
Jesse Watson: Any circumstances but that, Whiskey Ayano would have been been over the moon to have Hardy's face in her crotch.
(As Zack rises he's caught in an inverted facelock and dropped spine first across Suzume's knee, before Suzume is herself levelled with a legitimate Japanese businessman kick from Matt. Finally, Matt himself is turned inside out with a discus clothesline from Jamie. Jamie turns to find herself standing alone above the bodies - but Laurel has backed into the corner and is beckoning for a spear!)
Jesse Watson: Don't turn around, Jamie...
Roy Hardy: Don't let her size fool you. Laurel's done a lot, and I mean a LOT of damage in her career with that spear.
(Jamie turns... Laurel pounces... Jamie with the armdrag to Laurel! Whiskey's up, but Jamie with the armdrag to Whiskey! And you get an armdrag! AND YOU GET AN ARMDRAG! Everyone's getting an armdrag! All five opponents go down in a circle around her. But they get straight back up again. I mean... those were just armdrags, right? Jamie looks around, slowly realising that 1) she is the one with most momentum right now, and 2) she's surrounded. She manages a small ‘eep' before getting blasted with five light tube shots at once! )
Jesse Watson: Ouch! But that's what happens in a match like this!
(With Jamie down one one knee, swaying woozily, Zack hits the ropes and comes in for his patented running knee strike.)
Roy Hardy: FORCED SUICIDE!
(But no! Zack is caught with a superkick to the chin from Suzume! He stumbles into a German suplex from Whiskey, who is herself then crushed by a leaping leg drop from her own tag partner. Laurel slips behind Suzume and hauls her up in a dragon suplex, spiking the less-drunken joshi on her head. As Laurel gets up she's dropkicked clean through the ropes by Matt Kail, who then kicks each of Lifer, Mitsuyoshi and Ayano under the bottom rope in turn, along with the ladder.)
Jesse Watson: And we come back to Steel and Kail.
(Matt lifts Jamie up and drives a few knees into her ribs, then bounces off the drops and smacks her to the ground with a springboard dropkick. After raising a fist he goes up top calling for his breathtaking Tumultuous Fall - his corkscrew shooting star press legdrop. The fans, excited to see the move live, cheer and stomp - but Jamie tosses one of the discarded liquor bottles at his head, dropping him down to a sitting position across the top turnbuckle. She quickly gets under him in an electric chair... turns back towards the ring... Japanese ocean cyclone suplex into the remains of the light tubes!)
Roy Hardy: That's the Morning After Driver! One of her deadliest weapons!
(Jamie holds the bridge.)
1..
2..
(Springboard senton from Laurel to break it up!)
Roy Hardy: Remember, this is not an elimination match. It's in everyone's interest to break up pinfalls.
(While Matt expends the last of his energy to roll to ringside, Laurel scouts Jamie sitting up and catches her with a cartwheel dropkick to the kisser. She lifts her up and throws her into the glass shards with a butterfly suplex, then looks around for her opponents. Zack and Whiskey are brawling at ringside while Suzume's still nursing her head. Laurel grins and throws an arm over to the Lego table, and a huge cheer erupts. Laurel drags Jamie to the edge of the ring and starts setting up for a powerbomb.)
Jesse Watson: Welcome to deathmatches, Jamie!
(Jamie starts fighting back, punching Laurel in the top of the head. But just as the fans can take that in, Suzume springboards from the perpendicular ropes to land right across Jamie's own shoulders. The three woman tower of doom starts to wobble... Suzume with the headscissors throw, pulling Jamie out of Laurel's grasp! Laurel turns round to see what happened, and eats a kick from Suzume who follows that up by dropping her throat-first across the ropes before launching her back into the ring, right onto the broken glass.)
Roy Hardy: Suzume Mitsuyoshi may not quite be an ultraviolence specialist like Zack Lifer or Laurel Anne Hardy, but she's still got plenty of deathmatch experience.
(While Suzume puts the pressure on Jamie and Laurel in the ring, Whiskey and Zack are brawling at ringside. Zack whips Whiskey towards the guardrail but she hits the brakes and skids into a three point stance; Zack runs at Whiskey but she finds an Equalization chop block to drop him. She treats him to a few weapon shots with whatever comes to hand, but stops mid-arc when she realises what her current weapon is: a still-sealed bottle of Booker's 25th Anniversary True Barrel. She gasps at her almost-faux-pas, then quickly opens it and takes a deep swig, then offers it to Zack.)
Jesse Watson: Whiskey wasn't kidding about the drinking in this match...
Roy Hardy: Did you ever think she was?
(It takes a moment for Zack to realise what Whiskey is doing, since he's still groggy from the previous weapon shots. He passes on the alcohol. Whiskey shrugs and pours more down her own gullet - until Zack drops her with a clothesline! The bottle goes tumbling and bourbon spills out over the floor. Whiskey sinks to her knees, about ready to scream out NOOOOOO!! - and she's kneed in the back of the head by Zack.
Zack sets the ladder against the steps at an angle, then grabs Whiskey and sets her up for a suplex into it. But she sandbags and manages to spin him round for a suplex attempt of her own! Zack sandbags too. Whiskey responds with a sitout jawbreaker, and Zack sprawls back against the ladder. Whisky boots him in the midsection then rolls him onto the floor and starts walking up the rungs to the top of the leaning ladder. At the top of her precarious platform, she steadies herself...)
Roy Hardy: What does the Deep South Dragon have planned here!?
(We never find out as Zack runs up the ladder and decapitates her with an elbow strike!)
Jesse Watson: Dead Air! Dead Air right off the ladder!
(The crowd lose their minds for the move. Despite currently being on the wrong end of a flapjack into the corner by Suzume, Laurel can't help but grin at the sound of it. Whiskey's left rolling around holding her head but Lifer lands badly too, and in the time it takes for him to recover and crawl over Whiskey for the cover, Suzume has already seen what's happening. She grabs the top rope and vaults over in a plancha to break it up as the hand is coming down for the first time.
In the ring, Jamie drops Laurel with an inverted suplex into the shards, then lifts her up in an electric chair looking for Morning After Driver number two. But this time it's Laurel with punches to the head. She manages to drop down and spin Jamie round into a front straightjacket, and hits the Flower Plower neckbreaker! Hardy pushes Steel flat for the cover.)
1..
2..
(Somehow Suzume manages to dive back in and break it up!)
Roy Hardy: How can a human being move so fast!?
(Zack slides into the ring with a purple and orange chair from Laurel's supply and proceeds to to flatten all three competitors in there. Jamie slumps into the corner and Zack promptly knocks her silly with a chair-assisted facewash dropkick. He gives Whiskey and Laurel stomps, then covers the latter.)
1..
2..
(He's pulled off Laurel by a man in a mask! Zack gets up and comes face to face with a dark cowl, with pointed ears. He's stood steepling his fingers, black cloak flowing, eyes boring a hole through Zack's very soul.)
Zack Lifer: What are you?
(The dark figure cricks its neck.)
Matt Kail: I'm the goddamn Japanese Batman.
(Zack throws a punch, and Matt dances back. He reaches into his thigh holster and pulls something out, throwing it at Zack.)
Jesse Watson: Batarangs!?
(Matt smoothly lets fly a barrage of bat-shaped metal discs. Not being the most aerodynamic of objects, many fall short, but a few hit their target. They only do a little damage though, and Zack still charges back. He catches Matt with a high boot, backs him against the ropes, then whips him across in the other direction. On the rebound he goes for a flying lariat but Matt ducks it, diving for his discarded vest. As Zack spins round, Matt powers up into him and Zack goes flying right back across the ring.)
Jesse Watson: Wow... oversell much?
Roy Hardy: What's that Matt's holding...
(He raises it up for all to see...)
Roy Hardy: A taser!
(Zack shoots Matt one last look of ‘well played' before he rolls out of the ring to recover. Meanwhile Whiskey crawls back to her feet and scrambles around for the Booker's. She sighs as she lifts it to find that it's only half full now, the rest seeping into the floor of the arena. She shakes her head sadly and enters the ring. Matt goes for a taser shot, but she kicks it out of his hand and follows through into a roundhouse that knocks him across the canvas. Matt makes a move for the taser, but Whiskey leaps over him and knocks it under the ropes with a baseball slide.)
Roy Hardy: Where did that go!?
Jesse Watson: I think it flew into the stands.
Roy Hardy: That, uh, can't be good.
(Matt reaches into his jacket for something else. As he spins to his feet, cloak swirling, he flicks out an extendible, glowing lightsaber. Whiskey raises her hands, then looks around for something. Anything. She settles on a light tube, and brandishes it like a lightsaber of her own. The two fighters start to move back and forth, parrying and thrusting, and of course swinging the sabers around a lot, the audience chanting ‘vwoom' every time.)
Roy Hardy: Which one are they going to go for: ‘If you strike me down' or ‘I am your father'?
(Matt feints left and Whiskey falls for it. He swings around and slams his saber down - Whiskey only just getting her own up in time to block.
CRASH!
Of course, her own is just a light tube, and it gets obliterated. If anything, Whiskey just made the blow worse because she now has glass shards flying at her. As she takes the hit and reels back, she drops her hands to her hips and sighs. Jamie, Suzume and Laurel have all recovered by this point but are just watching. Laurel is doubled over laughing her ass off like Alan Alda at his own jokes. Zack rolls in too, still holding his chest. Everyone looks at everyone...)
Roy Hardy: All six back in the ring now for the first time in a while.
(Suddenly Whiskey calls a time out and gestures over to her liquor cabinet!)
Jesse Watson: A drink break? Why not.
(Whiskey leaves the ring to get a couple of bottles and some shot glasses then re-enters and starts pouring.)
Jesse Watson: Wonder if she'd mix something up for us.
(After pouring drinks, Whiskey swishes the dregs in the bottle around then drains them into her mouth, before tossing the bottle on the floor. She kicks it idly with her toe, spinning it around... Laurel snaps her fingers.)
Laurel Anne Hardy: Just a minute!
(She exits the ring and pulls from one of her carts a long cardboard box. She takes it back to the ring and pulls out a light tube! She hands one to Suzume, then Matt, then each other in turn taking the final one for herself. Then, finally, she invites Whiskey to spin the bottle.)
Roy Hardy: I... can't even describe what I'm seeing any more.
Jesse Watson: It's straightforward enough. They're going to take turns hitting each other with light tubes.
(Whiskey spins and her target is.... Laurel! Laurel actually seems pretty excited by that, stepping forward and spreading her arms. Whiskey raises the light tube... leans in and sneaks a quick kiss... then blasts Hardy over the head. Laurel staggers back, dazed - whether it's from the weapon shot or the kiss is hard to say.
Next in line for a spin is Jamie. Suzume, on the other side of Whiskey, looks disappointed that they're going clockwise. Jamie spins and gets... Matt! She hefts up the tube, then raises an eyebrow and tells him to take off the mask. He refuses and she grabs for it, but he clamps his hands onto it tight.)
Matt Kail: Can't... reveal... secret... identity!
(But Jamie tears it away and cracks him over the head with the tube. Zack takes his turn, and he spins... Matt again. Matt sighs and flips off the world in general, but takes the second light tube shot with courage. After recovering he rubs his hands, because it's his turn next. He points to both Jamie and Zack, and spins... Zack! Zack shrugs in acceptance of his fate, and barely flinches as Matt breaks the tube over his skull.
Suzume's clapping for Laurel to hurry up with her turn. Laurel obliges, spins... it lands on Suzume. Laurel shrugs and mouths ‘sorry babe' - Suzume just motions for her to hurry up so she can finally get to her own turn. She staggers back from Laurel's blow, but shakes it off and gleefully takes her own spin at long last. It spins and spins...)
Roy Hardy: Wow. You have to be kidding me.
(...and lands on Suzume herself! She just stares at it. Laurel says she can try again, but Suzume waves her off and holds the light tube up over her own head.)
Roy Hardy: Is she really going to do it?
Jesse Watson: She's not going to do it.
Roy Hardy: I think she's going to do it.
(And do it she does! She breaks a light tube over her own head, and immediately yells out a long cry of something half Japanese, half primal scream. A line of blood is running down her face. Whiskey puts her hand to her mouth.
Whiskey Ayano: There-u are kids watching this-u Suzu-chan! LANGUAGE!
(Suzume blushes and replies in Japanese. Whiskey says something in Japanese too. After a moment, Laurel joins in, and then Matt. And then Zack puts the Japanese he knows, picked up from his time spent touring the country, to try and find out what's going on!)
Roy Hardy: What are they talking about?
Jesse Watson: I have no idea. And neither does Jamie Steel!
(Steel is just shaking her head in confusion. She turns to Zack questioningly. He shrugs, and then they both dart forward to knock down the other four with a pair of double clotheslines!)
Roy Hardy: Well, guess we're back on the clock, anyway.
(While Zack grabs the chair and takes it to Matt and Laurel, Jamie knocks Whiskey and Suzume's heads together.)
Jesse Watson: Meeting of the minds for the tag team!
Roy Hardy: Ayano and Mitsuyoshi used to fighting alongside each other as Blazing Ransen Shojo, but I have to say, in this match they've been quite happy to take it to each other.
(Jamie slides out and pulls from under the ring a table! She sets it up at ringside while Zack scouts Matt with that painted up chair. Laurel goes to kick the chair back into Zack's face, and Zack tosses the chair. It's caught by our referee, Eric Wilson who - knowing full well what happens to people who catch chairs in a wrestling match - throws it on to Matt. As Matt catches it, it's sure enough dropkicked into his face - by Eric! Eric drops and covers Matt, and Laurel counts.)
1..
2..
(Suddenly Laurel realises what she's doing and stops. Eric looks up at her with a frown, demanding her to keep counting, but that frown turns to mortification as he realises that he got caught up in the heat of the moment. And he doesn't get much recovery time as Zack drops Laurel with a True Madness suplex and pins her!)
1..
2..
(Matt drags Zack off and starts working him over. Meanwhile Jamie is positioning both members of Blazing Ransen Shojo on the table. She climbs onto the apron, but they help each other up and go after her, clubbing her on the back. Suzume spins her round for a rope-hung DDT through the table. But Laurel runs over and uses Jamie's back and Suzume's head as stepping stones to leap into Whiskey and send her right into the stands with a leg lariat! While fans scatter and the two fighters sprawl through the chairs, Jamie backdrops Suzume back into the ring.)
Roy Hardy: All six have taken a lot of nasty shots, all six are busted open, but they're all still full of energy too...
Jesse Watson: Probably all the drinking.
Roy Hardy: I wonder how bad they all need to pee.
(As Jamie steps through the ropes Suzume grabs one of the emptyish bottles and smashes it over Jamie's head - but Jamie just roars and stands her ground!)
Roy Hardy: Jamie Steel not backing down! She's the deathmatch newbie and she's holding her own here!
(But Jamie's eyes widen and she jumps back in shock as something flies into the ring towards Suzume. Suzume tracks it - and then her own eyes start to water as she instinctually catches it.)
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: HOLY SHHHH...ERBERT! WHY DOES WHISKEY-CHAN HAVE A CACTUS!?
(From ringside, Whiskey calls up to her partner after throwing the cactus to her.)
Whiskey Ayano: Has Suzu-chan ever touched one?
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: Yes, NOW!
(Whiskey salutes, then joins Laurel [who's finding the whole thing hilarious] for another time out at the mobile bar. Jamie's still struggling to understand all this, and Suzume smacks her in the face with the cactus.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the ring, Zack and Matt have been exchanging throws into the debris and both are starting to feel the effects of losing blood. But Zack grits his teeth and pushes on, dropping Matt with a series of hard strikes. He pulls him over his shoulders and crosses to the apron near the Lego box-table-sculpture thing. Hardy spit-takes - all over Whiskey Ayano, who narrows her eyes as she wipes her face - and runs over to dive across the Lego table.)
Roy Hardy: Laurel actually putting herself on that Lego thing... she really is desperate for that Lego to come into play even if she's the one who takes the hurt!
(To Laurel's great disappointment, though, Matt starts elbowing Zack in the head and whips off a tornado DDT.)
Jesse Watson: Beautiful work by Matt there. But Laurel looks about ready to throw herself through that Lego if she doesn't get to throw someone else through it soon!
(While this is going on, Suzume has taken control over Jamie and left her splayed out on the table Jamie herself set up a few minutes earlier. Whiskey smacks her then slides into the ring; as Suzume runs at Whiskey, the Deep South Dragon throws her tag team partner up into the air. Suzume sails right over the ropes and flies down to ringside, driving an elbow into Jamie and sending them both crashing through the table! They don't get any time to disentangle themselves, as Whiskey hits the apron and flies onto both of them with an Asai moonsault before covering Jamie.)
1..
2..
(Suzume drags her partner off Jamie and covers her herself!)
1..
2..
(Kickout. Suzume pulls herself up on the ropes just as Matt Kail runs towards them... running knee through the ropes to the back of her head!)
Roy Hardy: He calls that Thank You Pain, and Mitsuyoshi goes flying into Ayano and Steel!
(Matt grabs the ropes and flips over them, crushing all three women back into the remains of the table. On the other side of the ring, Laurel has Zack on the apron and seems to be manoeuvring him into position for some kind of slam or driver through the Lego. But he fights back and drops to his feet, and runs her headfirst into the ringpost. He lifts her up for a brainbuster... Fraudian Slip off the apron! Laurel is out like a light, but instead of covering her Zack heads round to the melee on the other side of the ring, pausing to get more weapons from the supply around ringside including Suzume's as-yet unsused barbed wire bat. He lets Jamie and Suzume fight their way into the crowd while Matt punishes Whiskey.)
Roy Hardy: The New Iron Saint with something unsaintly in mind...
(Bat shot to Matt! Bat shot to Whiskey! He drags another table out from the ring and sets it up, glances over to his opponents... he shakes his head, and fishes among the many discarded weapons for something. He holds it aloft to a huge cheer.)
Jesse Watson: Lighter fluid!
(After squirting some fluid on the table, Zack gets an oven lighter and does the honours. A big blaze goes up... then immediately goes out. Zack pulls a weird face, and empties the whole can over the table. This time, the flames crackle and roar, and he turns around to scoop up Whiskey... and as he turns back, the flames have gone out again. He exchanges a few joking words with a front row Lifer Addict, then looks around for more fuel. Matt is back to his feet by this point, and Whiskey soon follows. They both clock what's going on, and the fighting breaks for a moment while they try to figure it out.)
Roy Hardy: I think that's a flame-retardant veneer on these tables.
Jesse Watson: Don't tell them that, though. I want to see how long it takes them to work that out.
(Zack pats Whiskey on the shoulder.)
Zack Lifer: What's the strongest alcohol you have?
Whiskey Ayano: Very strongest-u, Zack-kun?
Zack Lifer: The highest by volume.
Whiskey Ayano: Hmm...
(And she disappears for a minute to rummage through her cabinet.)
Roy Hardy: While all that's going on, where have Suzume Mitsuyoshi and Jamie Steel got to?
Jesse Watson: I'm not sure... oh, there!
(A light shines on them brawling way up in the stands, being patted by fans the whole time even as they throw each other into railings and try to pin each other on the concrete steps. Suzume clotheslines Jamie over a row railing, then dives down after her with an elbow drop. The two women are soon both back up and continue fighting through the stands, scattering chairs. Suzume Irish whips Jamie and she flies right into the hot dog cart! Suzume charges her and Jamie throws the first thing she gets ahold of...)
Roy Hardy: Hot dogs?
Jesse Watson: I don't think they're going to do much...
(Indeed, Suzume barely registers them as they glance off her. But Jamie's hand closes on something else - a squeezy bottle! She sprays a massive burst of ketchup right into Suzume's face!)
Jesse Watson: Talk about a crimson mask...
Roy Hardy: An unorthodox move, but I guess it worked!
Jesse Watson: Has any move here not been unorthodox?
(Suzume tries to clear her eyes, giving Jamie the opportunity to take control. She lifts Suzume and tosses her into the cart, which tumbles over. Hot dogs and brine fly everywhere. Back at ringside, Whiskey returns with an unmarked bottle full of clear liquid. She wipes a tear away as she pours it all over the table. She, Zack and Matt all look at each other, nod, and Zack puts the lighter to it...
FWOOM!)
Jesse Watson: That almost took my eyebrows off all the way over here!
(But a nice flame is going on the surface of the table now. The three suddenly realise it's now a race to put each other through it before it goes out again and all start grabbing for each other in a three-way huddle - until Laurel catches them with a suicide dive, driving all four of them through the flaming table! Cue your inevitable ‘holy shit!' chant.)
Jesse Watson: All four down after that nasty spill. And Suzume and Jamie are still crawling back towards the ring.
(In the downtime, the chant gives way to ‘this is awesome!'. Slowly, the six bloodied wrestlers try to get themselves back together.)
Roy Hardy: We've seen a lot of bizarre moments in this match, but the level of fortitude all of these competitors have shown throughout it all is incredible.
(Jamie and Laurel are the first back into the ring. They slide in from opposite ends and charge each other. Laurel swings a high spinning heel, which Jamie ducks. Jamie goes for a lariat, but Laurel ducks that in turn, and is already swinging up into a capoeira kick! She catches Jamie in the side of the head, making her stumble to one knee, and Laurel takes the opportunity to finish the cachaca. At ringside, Suzume rifles through all the weapons and produces a felt bag, which draws a lot of noise. She slides into the ring and takes down Jamie with a shining wizard and then Laurel with an inverted headlock backbreaker, then spreads the bag and pours out onto the mat hundreds and hundreds of... gummi bears?!)
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: Oh, you have to be fuuuuh... footing kidding...
(She stomps on the bears angrily, grinding them into the canvas. Behind her, Whiskey slides in and drops her with a Drunk Driver!)
Jesse Watson: Spinning facebuster right into the... the eh... gummi bears.
Roy Hardy: I wonder how they'll go with all that ketchup Suzume's covered in.
Still, the move itself is more than dangerous enough to take Suzume out of it. After kicking Laurel and Jamie, Whiskey scouts all three, waiting to see who's ready for the Shatter Soul Strike. But Zack gets behind her and takes her by surprise with an exploder suplex into the corner! Meanwhile, Jamie pushes herself to her hands and knees, and near her, Laurel and Suzume help each other up, clinging to each other. Matt slides into the ring from the far side and leaps onto Jamie's back, up onto the heap of Suzume and Laurel, and flies off in a super triple-jump poetry in motion which crushes both Zack and Whiskey into the corner!)
Roy Hardy: And once again, everyone's in the ring!
(Laurel grabs Matt from behind and spins him into a fisherman powerbomb, her signature Party Hardy: The Hangover, across the debris. But before she can do anything, Zack catches her with a punt to the head. Whiskey drops Zack from behind with a sitout neckbreaker, only to be booted in the face by Jamie. Jamie rolls out and starts setting up the ladder at ringside.)
Jesse Watson: That's a big ladder. I think they've all lost so much blood that if they climb that thing they'll faint...
(Suzume meanwhile goes for another bag, this time checking that it's what she wants first. When she's satisfied, she slides in - to see Laurel and Whiskey both staring at her, holding bottles of vodka into which they have stuffed gummi bears, blood from the canvas be damned. As one, they take drinks. Suzume glances from one to the other, then tips the bag and spreads the thumbtacks out around herself! She gestures a ‘bring it on' to the two barefoot wrestlers from behind her wall of pointiness. Laurel and Whiskey glance at each other... then do exactly that! They send Suzume from the ring in a double clothesline, then both stop and hop around, sucking in air through gritted teeth. They both flop down and start pulling pins and shards of glass from each other's soles.)
Roy Hardy: You'd have to be crazy to be in a match like this barefoot.
Jesse Watson: You'd have to be crazy to be in a match like this full stop!
(Meanwhile, Jamie has reached the top of the ladder. She spreads her arms... but the dive she takes is not the one she intended as Zack and Matt tip it over! She flies right down into the ring, landing on Laurel and Whiskey and sending all three flying. Zack grabs Matt and pulls his arms through the rungs of the tipped over ladder, then his legs, locking the Canadian up tight. Then Zack takes a couple of paces back... dropkick into the ladder! Matt winces as the impact reverberates through his bones, then cries out in pain as the ladder topples back over and slams against the guardrail.)
Jesse Watson: It's a good thing wrestling fans are so practised at getting out the way when things like that happen!
(In the ring, Jamie kips up. She's shaky, but maintains her balance. Not to be outdone, Whiskey and Laurel both kip up and both immediately start dancing around in pain as they drive more tacks and shards into their feet. Jamie knocks them both back down with dropkicks then slides out for Whiskey's liquor.
Elsewhere at ringside, Zack has left Matt to focus on Suzume for a while. He brandishes something from Matt's utility belt - a stapler! He grabs Suzume's arm and punches a staple into her flesh.)
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: ...CHRISTMAS CRACKERS!
(Laurel crawls for the ropes and Zack treats her to a staple too, right in the hairline, while Jamie searches through the cabinet. She extracts something in a large black bottle with a faded gold label. A divine light seems to fall on the mystery booze as she unscrews the cap and sniffs it. She nods in satisfaction and slides into the ring.
Whiskey gasps as she sees what Jamie has, but before she can do anything, the other four slowly get back involved. As Whiskey's crossing over to Jamie she gets blindsided by a clothesline from Zack, but she picks herself up and keeps walking. Matt finds a running kick to her head, but she kips up, ignores the pain of the landing on her soles, and keeps walking. Laurel and Suzume catch her with a double dropkick either side of the noggin, but still she gets up and keeps walking!)
Roy Hardy: Where is Ayano getting this willpower!? What must be in that bottle?
(From a couple of feet away Whiskey pounces, and Jamie only just has enough time to toss the bottle to Matt before she's driven into the turnbuckles. Whiskey turns and charges Matt, and Matt throws the bottle to Suzume, who dives to catch it. Whiskey drops across her with a flipping senton and srambles for the bottle, but Laurel pulls her back into an STF. All four other wrestlers dogpile on top of them. The scrum is just pure fists and knees and elbows... but somehow Whiskey manages to crawl out from under it! The others make a last gasp effort to keep her from the alcohol, but she swipes it up and takes a long gulp. The booze seems to invigorate her and she hops to her feet, flexing her biceps and screaming like a banshee! She takes down Jamie with a running knee, sending Jamie right across the ring. Laurel's flipped upside down and inside out with a lariat. Zack's sent stumbling against the ropes with an enzuigiri. Suzume falls to a Samoan Drop and on the way back up, roaring with power, Whiskey lifts Matt - the heaviest person in the match - clear over her head! She throws him to ringside with a press slam.)
Roy Hardy: No. Seriously. What's in that bottle!?
(Whatever it is, Whiskey slides out cradling it like a baby. She starts sucking from it while the others try to process what just happened. The four in the ring pull themselves up, and Laurel gasps as she looks across the canvas. She calls a time out and drops to her hands and knees to start smearing around tacks, gummi bears, glass shards and of course puddles of blood and alcohol. Her hands flash around as she hums to herself [Tom's Diner] and after about a minute she takes a step back and spreads her arms to show off an impressionist portrait on the canvas of the same six fighters locked in a brawl slash party - a composition somewhere between Guernica and The Last Supper.)
Roy Hardy: Wow. I think this may be the first wrestling match I've ever seen stop for an Art Attack.
Jesse Watson: I think it's the third I've seen.
(Laurel stands back and dusts her hands proudly. She turns round to her friends - straight into a chair shot to the head! She sways for a moment, blinking, then topples over. While Jamie tosses the chair, Suzume drops into the portrait and starts making blood-and-detritus angels. At least, until Zack powerslams Jamie onto her and pins them both.)
1..
2..
(Kickout. Zack drags Jamie up, then places her right back down via the medium of backdrop driver. But Suzume grabs Zack from behind and rolls him into a cradle.)
1..
2..
(He powers out. Suzume goes for a roundhouse but Zack catches her and plants her with a powerbomb, and stays in place for the cover.)
1..
2..
(Matt dives into the ring to break it up. He and Jamie throw Zack across the canvas with a double suplex, but Suzume is ready to drop Jamie with a toehold that forces the Mancunian to eat chair. While Suzume is still down, Matt rolls over her looking for an anaconda vice, but Zack comes back with a running knee before he can get it locked in.)
Roy Hardy: I don't know how these guys are still finding the energy to break up pin and submission attempts!
(Laurel staggers back to her feet and feels a slap on her back. She turns around to see Whiskey handing her a half-full pitcher. Laurel shrugs and accepts it and steps out to the apron while Whiskey ducks through the ropes.)
Roy Hardy: Did Ayano just tag herself in?
Jesse Watson: Hey, it's Hardy's match, and she seems pretty happy to make up the rules as she goes.
(While Laurel settles in to watch with her drink, Whiskey goes to town on everyone else with stomps and elbows. She whips them into the same corner one by one, spins around with her arms spread... and blows a fireball! Fortunately they all dive out of the way.)
Roy Hardy: I guess she had more of that stuff they used earlier!
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: HOLY FUCKING SHITTING HELLSHIT BALLS, WHISKEY-CHAN!
Whiskey Ayano: SUZU-CHAN! LANGUAGE!
(And Whiskey smacks her partner in the butt with a chair - hard as hell, of course.)
Roy Hardy: Is... is Whiskey spanking Suzume, in the middle of the match?
Jesse Watson: I don't ask questions about what those two do...
(Suzume's response is to knock Whiskey silly with a step-up enzuigiri. Laurel, who'd just been smiling at all this from the apron, steps through the ropes. She winds up for a big hadouken, and everyone takes a step back out of range. She sighs and charges Jamie, who finds a hiptoss. But Laurel lands on her feet. Suzume hits Jamie with a second enzuigiri and Matt hits Laurel with one at the same time, while Zack sneaks a pin on Whiskey.)
1...
2..
(Kickout. Matt clotheslines Suzume against the ropes and she rolls over them, but she skins the cat and pulls him out with a headscissors throw! She pulls herself up only to be dropkicked back off to ringside by Zack. Whiskey makes a beeline for Zack, but he backdrops her over the ropes into Matt, and both Matt and Whiskey crash into the guardrail with Whiskey getting tangled in the ladder while Matt finds himself landing across Suzume's bat. Suzume reaches through the ropes and yanks Zack's feet out, then wheelbarrows him into the bottom rope before re-entering the ring. She lifts him up in a front facelock - and Jamie is Irish whipped into both of them by Laurel! Jamie, Suzume and Zack all stagger forward, dazed, and Laurel bops each of them on the head with the glass pitcher Whiskey gave her.)
Roy Hardy: TIMBERRR!
Jesse Watson: Times three!
(While the three pitcher victims collapse, Whiskey runs at Matt looking for her deadly knee kick, the Shatter Soul Strike, but Matt sidesteps! She swings round in a discus punch but Matt grabs her arm and traps it - then the other. He lifts her straight up... brainbuster!)
Roy Hardy: Armtrap brainbuster! The Kaileidiscope!
(Meanwhile, after dragging Suzume, Zack and Jamie into a heap, Laurel calls for her corkscrew elbow drop, Stronger Than Dirt, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. But as she's steadying herself, Matt hops up onto the apron and pushes her off. She sails down to ringside - finally crashing through the Lego table! The fans start stomping and hollering.)
Roy Hardy: Finally! She finally got that Lego into play, even if she herself was the one who went through it!
(Matt turns round, and walks straight into a Forced Suicide from Zack! But before he can do anything, Suzume lifts Zack across her shoulders and drops him across her knees! Kiri-Sute Gomen! Suzume goes to pin - until she finds herself being lifted in an electric chair! Morning After Driver from Jamie! Jamie kips up and pumps a fist - and eats a Shatter Soul Strike from Whiskey! But the Kaileidiscope (plus the entire last 40 minutes) catches up with Whiskey and she drops, exhausted. With all five down in the ring, the fans start clapping, trying to will the fighters back into it.)
Roy Hardy: What a match this has been!
(Another roar goes up as, limbs weak and sagging, Laurel crawls from the wreckage of the Lego and slowly drags herself up the outside to the top turnbuckle. She poses for a second, then flies off in...
in...)
Jesse Watson: ...what the hell was that!?
Roy Hardy: I don't think she even knows herself! She just threw her body through whatever twists it could manage!
(After colliding with the first target she could see - Matt - Laurel takes a moment to catch her breath before crawling over him and hooking the leg.)
1..
2..
3!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 52:17 mark of the match... Laurel! Anne! HARDY!
(Laurel rolls off Matt as “Super Duper Rescue Heads !" plays again, and that's the last energy any of those in the ring display for several minutes. Officials and medics swarm the scene to check on the six depleted warriors. One by one they're brought round, their wounds checked over and their faces wiped cleanish. One medic tries to pour alcohol over Whiskey's shredded feet but she snatches the bottle from his hand and starts drinking from it.)
Roy Hardy: What a match. What a match. Fun was had, hell was gone through, and memories were most certainly made.
(Suzume's being tended to for the big cut on her forehead from when she hit herself with the light tube; she flashes the PWP photographers a big grin and peace sign even as waves of blood wash down her face. Zack slides to ringside and crosses over to a group of screaming Lifer Addicts who are hysterical at being able to pat his blood-streaked shoulders.
In tears, Laurel hugs each of her friends in turn, thanking them all for giving her this night. Whiskey, of course, steals a grope of Laurel's breasts. Finally the six share a group hug then, along with Eric Wilson, spread out into a line for a big stage bow.)
Main Event
PWP Heavyweight Championship
Brandon Banks vs. Sister Liliana (c)
Randall Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall…. And is for the PWP Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger…
"One day Simba... The sun will set on my time here... And will rise through you as the new king."
"And this will all be mine?"
"Everything..."
"Everything the light touches..."
(The arena goes dark and the crowd erupts just as the visuals of Brandon Banks hit the titantron. The sound of thunder and lightning overpower the noise of the crowd while Return of Simba" by J. Cole plays over the PA system. A silver triangle replaces the video package on the titantron, becoming the only source of light in the arena.)
"In my freshest J's, I ain't slept in days.
Girl you gon' make me late undressin' me.
Know you ain't seen me since yesterday,
but see I got a date with destiny"
(The fans in attendance suddenly start to feel water come down onto them, almost as if it were raining in the building. Thirty seconds into the song, a yellow smoke begins to pour out of the ground. The triangle on the titantron turns gold, with a spotlight hitting the top of the entrance ramp. Lyle Risky is then seen stepping into the scene with a smile across his face and a smile on his. As the music plays in the background he lifts the microphone up to his lips to address the crowd.)
LYLE RISKY: Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and Girls. Welcome! As you will witness the return of the slayer of many. PDW’s last credible Prodigy Champion. The man of the people. The people’s man. The baker’s man. The man that can. THE GATE KEEPAH... BRRRAAAANNNDOOONNNN BAAAAAAAANKSSSSS!
"Hov asked me is you ready for it?
I looked around at his nice things...
Told em nigga you already know it!"
(The spotlight continues to shine over the top of the entrance ramp as Brandon Banks slowly comes out onto the ramp, stopping just as soon as he's visible with a zipped up sweatshirt and his hood over his head. The fans go nuts as Banks walks into the spotlight and takes a few steps toward the ring. He takes the hood off of his head and looks around the arena with a smirk on his face as he feeds from the crowds energy. He stares directly at the ring before bowing his head and closing his eyes, taking in more energy of the crowd. He raises his arms up in the air and starts jumping up and down until he runs back and forth atop the entrance ramp, hyping up the crowd some more. After playing with the crowd some, he smirks and holds his arms out to his sides as he walks down the aisle.)
"BITCH I'M THE MAN OF THE YEEEEEEEEAR!"
(Banks shows no emotion as he continues his steady pace down the ramp, bringing his arms back down to his sides. He stops mid ramp, and again, tucks his head before slowing his pace even more until he reaches the steps. He walks up the staircase and heads toward the middle of the apron before throwing his arms in the air to receive a monstrous pop from the crowd.. He gives the crowd a round of applause himself and proceeds to climb to the top rope, and throws up a triangle with his hands before looking down at the ring and jumping in. Just as his feet touch the mat, Banks rips his sweatshirt off and tosses it into the audience. He plays with the crowd some more before glancing over at the front row before he proceeds toward one of the corners in the ring and leans his back against the turnbuckle, sliding down until he sits down and waits for the action to begin.)
Randall Jobbs: And his opponent…
(A pipe organ begins to play and Bach's "Toccata & Fugue in D minor” starts to play. Throughout the arena the lights go dark, minus a spotlight at the top of the ramp. Father Jones is out first, wearing black dress pants and aback turtle neck, with an oversized black hat and oversized sunglasses as well. Wearing all black, with a veil covering her face, the former Liliana and Sweet Potato makes her way slowly out from the back. )
Randall Jobbs: From Bayonne, New Jersey, weighing 122 pounds… She is the reigning PWP Heavyweight Champion… Sister Liliana!
(Father Jones stands by her and claps proudly before the two of them head to the ring. Sister Liliana never takes her gaze off of the ring but Father Jones walks all around her talking her up, clapping, and pointing to the ring. She slowly climbs up the stairs and steps carefully into the ring. Once in the ring, she throws the veil off and shows an all black mask that covers her entire head, including having her hair covered up.)
Roy Hardy: This has been a VERY highly anticipated match up by fans and wrestlers, alike. And that includes me. I can’t wait for this one.
Jesse Watson: One of our biggest Heavyweight title matches to date, Roy. This is gonna be big, I can feel it!
(The bell rings and the two competitors quickly tie up in the center of the ring. Banks then grabs Liliana in a standing side headlock. Liliana backs Banks up and then shoots him off into the ropes. As Banks comes off of them, he does a baseball slide between Liliana’s legs. He pops up and as Liliana turns around, he grabs her with another side headlock.)
Roy Hardy: Good job by Brandon, who’s not rushing things just because this is a title match. He seems to be taking his time and trying to feel out Sister Liliana.
Jesse Watson: Banks isn’t a rookie. And this isn’t the first time he’s ever been in a title position in his career. As great as Sister Liliana is, Brandon Banks knows how to conduct himself in high pressure situations, like this.
(Liliana lands a few hard punches to the midsection before shooting Banks off into the ropes again. As Brandon comes off of them, he hits her with a shoulder block but instead of going down, Liliana is bumped backwards. She bounces off the ropes and connects with a running back elbow, drilling Banks in the mouth. As Banks is stunned from the elbow, she grabs him and takes him to the corner, smashing his face off of the top turnbuckle. Liliana lands a couple of quick kicks to the chest before grabbing Banks and sending him off into the opposite corner. She charges in behind him and instead of hitting the turnbuckles, Banks is able to elevate himself up and backwards, over the head of Liliana, landing on his feet behind her. Liliana stops herself before she crashes into the turnbuckles chest-first, turns around and charges at Banks with a clothesline but Banks ducks the arm. Banks lifts her up, going for a back suplex but Sister Liliana uses her momentum to float over Brandon’s back, landing on her feet behind him. Brandon turns around and Liliana goes to throw a kick but Banks catches her foot. Liliana counters that into an Enziguri, sending Brandon staggering backwards, down into a seated position down in the corner.)
Roy Hardy: Some great back and forth between these two competitors. They’re really struggling to get the upper hand over the other.
Jesse Watson: That’s because they’re not familiar with each other. They’re still feeling each other out.
Roy Hardy: Lets see what Sister Liliana can do now that she has Banks down and in a prone position.
(Liliana then charges in and connects with a low dropkick to the mouth of Banks, while he’s still seated down in the corner. Banks crawls out of the corner and gets to his feet. Sister Liliana charges in at Brandon but Brandon catches her with a back drop, sending her over the top rope. She lands on her feet and Brandon hit’s the ropes. As she turns around, Brandon connects with a baseball slide, sending her flying backwards into the barricade.)
Roy Hardy: Good God, Sister Liliana hit that steel rail hard.
Jesse Watson: She sure did. Brandon got a lot of momentum behind that.
(Banks’ momentum takes him sliding out of the ring from the baseball slide and he grabs Liliana up and rolls her back into the ring, following in behind her. Brandon starts to get her up and Liliana comes back with a few elbow blows to the midsection. Banks doesn’t let her get going too much before grabbing her and taking her down to the mat with a snapmere. He follows it up with a stiff kick to the back. He then drives his knee into her back and then wrenches on her neck with a chin lock.)
Roy Hardy: Good move by the Banks, the challenger, to wear down the champion.
Jesse Watson: Sister Liliana is all about the fast paced style of action. So it’s definitely smart to slow her down and keep her off her feet like this.
(Liliana fights back to her feet and then drops down, catching Brandon with a jawbreaker that sends him staggering backwards. Liliana charges at him but Banks side steps her and throws her through the ropes but she lands on the ring apron. Brandon turns around and Liliana grabs him by the head, jumping off of the apron and driving Brandon’s throat into the top rope.)
Roy Hardy: That’s a good way to damage someone’s wind pipe, right there.
Jesse Watson: It’s a smart move by Sister Liliana. Her title is on the line. You have to stay in the fight by any means necessary, especially with the surrounding circumstances.
(Liliana springboards up onto the rope and then leaps off at Brandon, catches him with a springboard DDT. Liliana then runs and springboards off of the middle rope and connects with the springboard moonsault. She hooks the leg…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Sister Liliana has really turned the tide of this match in her direction.
Jesse Watson: Now she just has to keep it going.
(Sister Liliana waits for Banks to get to his feet and as he does, she hit’s the ropes. As she comes off of them, Banks surprises her, catching her with a spinning heel kick. Banks then gets Liliana and goes for a tornado DDT but as he comes off of the ropes, Liliana blocks it, pushing him off. Banks tries to recover, going for a clothesline but Liliana ducks under it. Banks turns around and as he does, Liliana leaps up and catches him with a hurricanrana, rolling through with it and holding onto his legs for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Good attempt by the champ there but not quiet enough to keep Brandon Banks down for the three.
Jesse Watson: The pace is really starting to pick up now. These two are trying to pull out the big moves to put the other away.
(Both of them rush to their feet and Liliana charges in, catching Banks with a clothesline. He gets up and she hit’s the ropes, catching him with a diving forearm. As they get up again, she catches him with a dropkick to the knee, bringing him down to one. She then hit’s the ropes and as she comes off of them, catches him with a shinning wizard and then goes for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: So close by Sister Liliana. But Brandon Banks is not out of it yet. He wants that title.
Jesse Watson: This is a great back and forth battle of who wants it more. Does Liliana want to keep the title, more. Or does Banks want to win it, more.
Roy Hardy: We’re going to find out in due time.
(As Banks is getting to his feet, Liliana hit’s the ropes. As she comes off of them, Banks catches her with the “Most Amazing Dropkick.” As Liliana staggers back up to her feet, Banks lands a kick to the stomach and then plants her into the ring with a swinging neck breaker. He makes the pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Banks gets her up and sends her off into the corner. He charges in and goes for a corner splash but Liliana moves out of the way in time and Banks’ crashes into the turnbuckles chest-first. As he staggers out of the corner, Liliana leaps up and connects with a backstabber. Sister Lillian sees a downed Banks and figures now is the time to capitalize. She crawls under the rope and onto the apron before climbing to the top and catching her balance. She waits for Banks to stand to his feet, and when he does, she soars off attempting a crossbody, but…
BANK SHOT!
The superkick shot echos throughout the arena, causing the crowd to explode. Banks crawls toward Lillian and drapes his arm across her chest…)
1...
2...
3!!!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 13:29 mark of the match… And NEW PWP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… BRANDON BANKS!!!!
(Banks lays motionless near Sister Liliana as the crowd explodes in a ruckus ovation. Risky stands there with his eyes wide as ever after seeing the most vicious Bank Shot that he has seen Brandon Banks ever deliver. Both competitors continue to lay in the ring lifeless as all the fans are either in as much shock as Lyle Risky is or just screaming at the top of their lungs. Lyle looks around for a moment making sure everything was real. A smile slowly begins to creep onto his face. He looks back and forth searching the the PWP Heavyweight Championship while Banks lays motionless near Sister Liliana, unaware of his victory.)
LYLE RISKY: WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!
(He stops as he sees someone holding the belt. Risky sprints over snatching the belt out of their hands and shoves the person back down in their seat.)
LYLE RISKY: THAT’S NOT YOURS!
(Risky stares down at it with a smile on his face and walks over snatching the microphone out of Randall Jobbs’ hands as Banks finally starts coming to and realizes what he had done.)
LYLE RISKY: Sit the fuck down….Let me show you how to properly do it.
(Lyle gives Jobbs a smug look and holds up the championship belt. Banks drags himself toward the corner turnbuckle and rests his head back against the.)
LYLE RISKY: FINNNAAAALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! FINALLLLYYY THE MAN BEHIND MANY HAS DONE IT! THE MAN YOU PEOPLE FLOCK OVER! THE MAN YOUR GIRL THROWS PANTIES AT ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET, DURING THE NETS GAME, DURING YOUR KIDS LITTLE LEAGUE GAME, DURING A MICHAEL PHELPS DOCUMENTARY...THAT MAN YOU’RE CRAZY LITTLE SISTER HAS A SHRINE IN HER CLOSET OF...THAT’S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! HE HAS DONE IT! HE HAS FUCKED YOUR BITCH WHILE ON THE WAY TO FUCK THE NEXT BITCH! HE HAS CAME. HE HAS SEEKED. HE HAS CONQUERED…..THE BEST EVER PDW BLOODSHED CHAMPION! THE BEST EVER PDW PRODIGY CHAMPION! THE BEST EVER PRODUCT TO EVER COME OUT OF FTW?!
(Lyle pauses…..)
LYLE RISKY: Hold up….Bring out the bottles. Pop that confetti…
(Dozens of ladies dressed in thong bikini’s walk out carrying champagne bottles begin to walk out from behind the curtains and down the ramp. Men in the crowd mouths either drop or start whistling toward the ladies. Risky smirks as they begin to surround the ring. Gold and black confetti begins to drop from the ceiling. Banks looks up at the confetti from the arena ceiling and cracks a smirk.)
LYLE RISKY: …..LADIES AND GENTLEMEN….THE FIRST EVER PWP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION THAT’S WORTH SHIT...BBBBBRRRRAAANNNNDDDDDOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN THHEEEEEEE BAAAANNNKKKKSSHHOOOTTT DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR
(He looks around to the crowd for a moment and nods.)
LYLE RISKY:......BBBBBBBBBAAAAAANNNNNNKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Risky drops the mic and takes a bottle and pops it. He shakes it up spraying the fans and the girls, commentators, crew workers and camera men. He then begins to chug the drink before running a victory lap while carrying the PWP Championship in the air. As he does so the ladies pop the bottles literally making it rain champagne around him as he runs. Risky then slides into the ring. He looks over to Lillianna and shoos her away with the title and bottle in his hand, getting some of it on her and not caring at all about it. He then makes his way over to the groggy Brandon Banks and helps him up to his feet.)
LYLE RISKY: You did it! You fucking did it! YOU’RE THE FUCKING PWP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
(Still groggy from the beating he took at the hands of Liliana, Banks falls back into the corner as Risky hands him the PWP Heavyweight title. Banks just smirks as he looks around at the Detroit crowd giving him a standing ovation. Banks looks down at the championship and holds it high in the air to a big pop from the crowd. Risky continues to shout things at the audience as “Return of Simba” hits the pa system and Banks stares over at the downed Sister Liliana.)
Roy Hardy: This is one of the biggest celebrations I’ve ever seen after a win. What a way to open up the reign of Brandon Banks as the new PWP Heavyweight Champion!
Jesse Watson: Banks hit Sister Liliana with that super kick out of nowhere! I didn’t see it coming at all!
Roy Hardy: Clearly, Sister Liliana didn’t either. Liliana looked like she had the match going in her favor but she went high risk and Brandon had it scouted and made her pay for it.
Jesse Watson: And now we’ve got a brand new PWP Heavyweight Champion. What a night!
(Banks takes a few seconds to soak in the moment, somewhat shocked himself that he had finally captured what eluded him his entire career. He flings the title around his shoulder and makes his way toward the downed Liliana, steps over her, and kicks back some confetti onto her like a dog before exiting the ring. Banks slaps the hands of a few fans as he holds the title up in the air and heads up the ramp with Risky applauding.)
Roy Hardy: What a way to end the show. Brandon Banks celebrating as the new PWP Heavyweight Champion. Folks, that’s all the time we have tonight. Thank you for joining us. As always, everyone here at PWP appreciate the continued support. Make sure to tune in next month for our yearly Holiday Special show. I’m Roy Hardy for my partner Jesse Watson. Goodnight and see you next month!
(Banks reaches the top of the ramp and holds the PWP championship high in the air to close the show.)
Roy Hardy: Welcome ladies and gentlemen! And thank you for joining us for PWP 13: Lucky 13! I’m Roy Hardy and as always I’m joined by my partner, Jesse Watson, for the evening. And Jesse.. Are you ready?
Jesse Watson: Oh you bet your ass I’m ready. I’ve been ready for this ever since the last PWP show ended!
Roy Hardy: We’ve got some great matches tonight. Including our Main Event for the evening, a PWP Heavyweight Championship match.
Jesse Watson: And also we’ve got a death match invitational. I’m very interested to see how that goes down.
Roy Hardy: We’ve got all of that and more. But first, a quick break and then the first match of the evening, some triple threat action!
Epic Wrestling Organization -
Strike Towers Wrestling -
Triple Threat Match
Ian Rothburn vs. Achilles vs. Ricky Valero
Randal Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a triple threat match! First, from Coney Island, New York, weighing in at 188 pounds, Achilles!
("Warrior" by Thin Lizzy begins to play as Achilles emerged from the curtain. But, before he walked down the ramp, he quickly spray paints a red A across it, before tossing the can into the audience (unless it's a hardcore match, of course). He then sprints towards the ring, and slides in, before hopping up and leaning against the far ropes looking on for his opponent for the night.)
Randal Jobbs: And the second competitor, weighing in at 227 pounds, Ricky Valero!
("Cinderella Man” by Eminem blasts throughout the arena. White and pink strobe lights flash as "Pretty" Ricky makes his appearance and stands through a cloud of fog turned to the side a bit and his arms out with a genuine smirk lightening his face.
His manager Spencer Novak and bodyguard Aurora follow closely behind him as he makes his way down the entranceway. He circles the ring, before reaching the far corner. He slowly climbs up to the steps and leans his back against the ropes, bouncing a few times before hopping into the ring.
Ricky spins around in the center of the ring with his arms extended out, absorbing the sheer hatred the fans shower him with. He walks towards the ropes on the far side of the ring and simply smiles. The music slowly quiets down as Ricky turns and leans against the ropes closest to the entranceway, awaiting his opponent; or if his opponent is already in the ring, he'll just prepare for the match he's got ahead of him.)
Randal Jobbs: And the third competitor, from Chicago, IL by way of The Multiverse, weighing in at 217 pounds, Ian Rothburn!
("Tom Sawyer" by Rush starts to play. Ian Rothburn appears and slowly begins to walk down the ramp towards the ring. As he slides into the ring, he is immediately attacked by Valero and Achilles.)
[Ding Ding Ding]
(Valero and Achilles begin to put the boots to Rothburn; he does his best to cover up and protect himself. After a couple more boots, Valero and Achilles bring him to his feet. The two of them lift him up and drop him to the mat with a double suplex.)
Roy Hardy: We are seeing a bit of an alliance here in the early beginnings.
Jesse Watson: Indeed, but it won’t last long; not in this match.
(Rothburn rolls out of the ring in order to gain breather; Valero watches him as he rests on the outside. After sizing him up, Valero hits the ropes; he rebounds, looking to hit some type of a dive. However, Achilles cools his brakes with a stiff forearm shot that takes Valero to the mat. Achilles quickly drops to the mat and goes for the cover.)
ONE
T?
(Valero kicks out with some force. Achilles mounts him and places his hands around Valero’s neck. The ref begins to count as Valero struggles to breathe.)
ONE…
TWO…
THREE…
FOUR…
(Achilles releases the hold. Valero rolls away, gasping for breath. At the same time, Rothburn slides in the ring. Achilles spots him and charges at him; Rothburn drops him with an arm drag. Achilles gets back up, and gets dropped again with another arm drag. Achilles gets back to his feet again; Rothburn springs up and blasts him with a drop kick. Achilles hits the mat, and Rothburn goes for the pin.)
ONE
TWO?
(Achilles kicks out.)
Roy Hardy: A very nice sequence by Rothburn right there.
Jesse Watson: But it wasn’t enough this time.
(Rothburn makes it to his feet; instead of focusing on Achilles, he turns his attention to Valero, who has just pulled himself off of the mat. Rothburn throws a kick, but Valero catches his leg; he then jumps up and blast Rothburn with an enziguri. Valero then drops him with a short-arm clothesline. Valero pulls Rothburn closer to the center of the ring before putting on a camel clutch; he wretches back, causing Rothburn to scream out in pain. Achilles makes it to feet. Seeing that Rothburn is in trouble, he walks over and gives Valero a forearm shot; however, Valero doesn’t break the hold. Achilles gives him two more forearms, but Valero still maintains this hold. Achilles hits the ropes; he rebounds and hits him with a boot to the face.)
Roy Hardy: That’s one way to break a hold.
Jesse Watson: It wasn’t pretty; but, it was effective wasn’t it?
(Valero rolls out to the apron. Meanwhile, Achilles brings Rothburn to his feet; he then whips him into the corner. Achilles runs in and connects with a big splash; he then runs to the opposite corner. Achilles rebounds and whacks Rothburn with a discus clothesline. Before Rothburn can slump to the mat, Achilles grabs him by the neck and plants him with a bulldog. He drags him to the center of the ring and goes for the cover.)
ONE
(Valero makes it to his feet on the apron. He springboards up.)
TWO
T?
(The pin is broken up as Valero comes off the top rope with a leg drop; Achilles holds his neck in pain. Valero rolls Achilles onto his back and goes for the pin.)
ONE
TWO
(Achilles gets a shoulder up. Valero gets up and then begins to lay the boots to Achilles; after a while, he rolls to the outside. Valero turns around and gets caught with a open-hand slap that rock him; Rothburn then hits the ropes. He rebounds, but Valero hits him with an atomic drop; he then leaps high into the air and rocks Rothburn with a knee to the chin. Quickly, Valero yokes up his opponents drives his head down with a snap DDT. He goes for the cover.)
Jesse Watson: This could be it!
ONE
TWO
THR?
Roy Hardy: No!
(Rothburn kicks out. Valero immediately brings him to a vertical base and slams him down to the mat; Valero heads to the corner and climbs to the top rope. Valero stalls on the top rope, trying to find his footing. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Achilles getting to his feet on the outside. Valero shifts his body and bit and dives off the top rope with a cross body. Valero collides with Achilles, knocking him back down to the ground; Valero pops right back up, hops onto the ring apron and climbs back to the top rope.)
Roy Hardy: Ricky hit the jackpot with that dive.
Jesse Watson: And he’s going right back to the well again here.
(At this point, Rothburn is back on his feet. He turns around just in time to see Valero fly off the top rope; he catches Rothburn with a hurricanrana and hooks the leg.)
ONE
TWO
THR?
(Valero gets right back up, still maintaining control of Rothburn’s leg. He flips Rothburn onto his stomach and quickly locks in a STF.)
Roy Hardy: Excellent transition there.
Jesse Watson: Rothburn has taken a lot of punishment. I’m not sure how much longer he’s going to last.
(Achilles rolls into the ring. He begins stomping on Valero in order to break the hold. Achilles dead-lifts Valero off the mat and drops him over his knee with a back-breaker. He then lifts him back up and plants him with a side-slam. He then goes for the cover.)
ONE
TWO
(Valero gets his shoulder up.)
Jesse Watson: Achilles nearly won the match right there!
(Achilles get up to his feet and smack the ring ropes in frustration. He then turns his attention to Rothburn, for his starting to stir. Achilles catches Rothburn with a European Uppercut, which staggers Rothburn a bit. Rothburn responds with a stiff forearm shot. Achilles takes the shot and comes back with another European Uppercut. Rothburn fires up with a number of rapid forearm strikes before hitting the ropes. On the rebound Achilles rushes forwards bit and levels Rothburn with an elbow strike to the forehead, knocking him to back into the ropes. Rothburn rebound again and gets rocked with a superkick.)
Roy Hardy: Now that was vicious!
Jesse Watson: “Aint nothing like a super kick party!”
(Valero makes it back to his feet. Achilles rushes at him, looking for a clothesline, but Valero sees it coming and is able to duck under it. Achilles turns back around and gets hit with a sole-butt that knocks him to his knee and into the ropes. Valero fires in and hits him with “The Walkoff,” sending Achilles through the ropes and crumbling to the floor. He then walks over and blasts Rothburn with a punt to the face. Slowly, he then brings Rothburn to his feet. He puts him on into a Cobra Clutch. Rothburns fights and struggles to get out, but its clear that the match has taken a toll on him. After a few seconds, Rothburn appears to be fading. But before he does, Valero lifts him up and demolishes him with “The Franchise Tag.” He then goes for the cover.)
ONE
TWO
THREE!
Randal Jobbs: And your winner, at the 12:17 minute mark...RICKY VALERO!
Roy Hardy: What a battle that was. All three men looked impressive.
Jesse Watson: Indeed they did, but Ricky is the victory here.
Pride Pro Wrestling -
pridepro.boards.net/
Xtreme Fighting Federation -
xff.jcink.net/index.php
Caleb Haines vs. Savannah
Randall Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
(“That Ain’t Classy” by Classified begins to play and Caleb Haines emerges from the back.)
Randall Jobbs: From Toronto, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 227 pounds… Caleb Haines!
(Caleb jumps up onto the ring apron and steps through the ropes, going to one corner and waiting for his opponent.)
Randall Jobbs: And his opponent…
(“Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns N Roses plays and Savannah makes her way out.)
Randall Jobbs: From Seattle, Washington, weighing 165 pounds… Savannah!
(She slides under the bottom rope and into the ring, taking the opposite corner as Caleb.)
Roy Hardy: We’ve got two very powerful competitors in this contest. This will be a good one.
Jesse Watson: Oh yeah it will. I’m looking forward to this.
(The bell rings and Haines and Savannah lock up in the center of the ring. Caleb grabs Savannah in a side headlock but Savannah shoves him off into the ropes. As he comes off of them, he takes her down with a shoulder block. Caleb hits the ropes again and looks to drop an elbow onto the chest of Savannah but she rolls out of the way in time.)
Roy Hardy: Good job by Savannah to avoid that elbow drop.
Jesse Watson: We saw last month what Haines can do when he gets on a roll. Savannah has to keep him from getting too much momentum.
(Savannah gets to her feet and hits the ropes. As Caleb gets to one knee, Savannah drills him with a hard kick to the face. While he's dazed, she gets him up and attempts to send him into the corner but Caleb reverses it. Haines charges into the corner but Savannah brings her knees up, catching Caleb in the face with them. He staggers back and when he turns around, Savannah charges in and catches him a clothesline. She then hit’s the ropes and connects with a senton. She hooks the leg for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Good pin attempt made by Savannah but Caleb is not going to be put down that easy.
Jesse Watson: Savannah is determined to get back on the winning track, here in PWP.
(Savannah gets Caleb up and sends him into the corner. She charges in but he’s able to get a foot up in her face, stopping her. He grabs her by the hair and pulls her into the corner. He lands several hard back elbow shots before grabbing her and sending her off into the opposite corner. He charges in and lands a hard yakuza kick in the corner. He pulls her out and sends her into the ropes. As she comes off of them, he catches her with a sidewalk slam and hooks the leg…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Caleb Haines starting to get some big time momentum going.
Jesse Watson: And that’s not good news for Savannah.
(Caleb pulls Savannah up, landing several hard knee strikes to the face as he does, before lifting her up and planting her into the mat with a body slam. He walks over to the corner, perching himself up on the second rope. He leaps off, going for a diving leg drop but Savannah moves out of the way in time.)
Roy Hardy: Nice job by Savannah, there!
(Savannah gets up, hit’s the ropes and hit’s a hard, low clothesline while Caleb is still in a seated position. Savannah crawls over, going for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(She pulls Caleb up to his feet and he battles back with a hard right hand to the midsection, following it up with a hard forearm shot to the mouth. While she is stunned by the forearm shot, he connects with a discus lariat and then going for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Good lord, Caleb was looking to take her head off with that lariat.
Jesse Watson: Any harder and he might have. Literally.
Roy Hardy: She’s definitely going to be feeling dazed after that one.
(Haines starts to bring Savannah up to her feet but she lunges forward, driving her shoulder into his midsection. She does it a second time but before she can get too much more going, Haines delivers a hard clubbing blow to the back. He then goes for a discus elbow but Savannah ducks under it. Savannah then grabs Haines and then plants him with an inverted DDT and then goes for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Jesse Watson: Close but not enough.
(Savannah brings Caleb to his feet and drills him in the mouth with a few hard forearm shots. She hit’s the ropes and as she comes off of them, Haines catches her with a big boot. Savannah crawls over on her hands and knees to the corner and uses the ropes to help get to her feet. Caleb charges in, looking to drive his shoulder into her midsection but Savannah hops up until the second rope and Haines goes between her legs and drives his own shoulder into the ring post.)
Roy Hardy: Great counter by Savannah and now Haines is hurting!
(Caleb staggers out of the corner, hunched over and holding onto his shoulder. As he turns around to face Savannah, she leaps off of the second rope and connects with “The Pounce.” She hooks the leg..)
1...
2...
3!!!!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 8:21 mark of the match… Savannah!
Roy Hardy: Caleb was looking to drive the wind out of Savannah with that running shoulder to the midsection, in the corner but Savannah was able to avoid it and she connected with that second rope diving spear to get the win!
Jesse Watson: Very impressive victory by Savannah, here tonight. Caleb showed last week that he’s not a guy to mess with and Savannah, much like several other times in the past here in the PWP, has shown she’s one of the toughest females in wrestling today.
Roy Hardy: She really is. She’s had numerous impressive showings, both in victory and defeat. And tonight was no difference, picking up the victory over Caleb Haines.
United Wrestling League -
uwleague.net/
4 Corners Wrestling -
z13.invisionfree.com/4cornerswrestling/index.php
Nina Stokes vs. Violet
The crowds were anticipating the next match, as "Renegade" by War of Ages played through the speakers, causing a fairly positive reaction for her entrance.
Randall Jobbs: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one-fall! Making her way to the ring first, residing in Miami, Florida! Nina! "Harley"! Stokes!
She dropped down to one knee, after emerging from the curtain in a Tebow-like pose. Nina glanced up at the cheering crowd, before confidently walking towards the ring, as the commentary team speaks about her.
Roy Hardy: Nina looks intense, and ready to fight. Let's see how she fares against a veteran to PWP in Violet Bloom.
Jesse Watson: This should be quite a match, with two young, athletic, babes ready to put on a great fight.
As she approached the ring, she climbs up to the apron and wiped her feet off. Nina hopped over the top rope and removed her jacket, doing some stretches as she waits for her opponent. Her theme was fading out, and replaced with "Pretty Little Psycho" by Porcelain Black, as Violet received an equal amount of cheers as Nina.
Randall Jobbs: And her opponent, from Las Vegas, Nevada! She is the Pretty Little Psycho, Violet Bloom!
Roy Hardy: Violet's had some good showings in PWP before, let's see how well she does tonight.
Jesse Watson: And who knows? We've got Harley and Red.... maybe Catwoman will show up, and we can have the Gotham City Sirens tag together!
Roy Hardy: .... You're an idiot, Jesse.
Jesse Watson: What?!
While the commentary team bickered amongst each other, Violet jogged to ringside and gets on the apron, striking a short pose. She ducked under the top rope, glaring at Nina, as one of her more aggressive personalities began to take over her will. The opening bell rings, as both ladies circle each other. Both lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up position, battling for early control. Nina, being a little shorter, ducked in, putting Violet in a waist lock. Stokes wrenched her body, but, Violet wriggled out, and puts her in a side headlock. Violet tossed Nina over with a hip toss, and gives her a few punches to the head. She was about to apply pressure, however, Nina kicked high, clipping Violet in the back of the head, loosening the hold. Nina stretched out and then hits Violet once more, causing her to grunt with pain, as she released the hold.
Roy Hardy: Nina just pulled off a crafty escape. She has a strong ground game, for sure.
Jesse Watson: No doubt about it. She's very well rounded as a wrestler.
Nina gets to her feet, and grabbed Violet's arm, locking her in a wrist lock. She tossed the redhead over with an armdrag, though, the taller and more flexible Violet used her lower body strength and started to choke Nina with her strong calves. Violet shifted downwards, applying more pressure to Nina's neck, however, Stokes escaped with a few strikes to Violet's abdomen. Nina then began prying her legs apart, and rolled away to catch her breath.
Roy Hardy: Violet's no slouch in that department, either.
Jesse Watson: This is a very solid match between these two, each showing off their technical side.
Nina was slowly getting to her knees, while Violet was a little more refreshed. She walked over, and grabbed Nina's hair, before slamming her back into the canvas. While she was down, Violet stepped back towards the ropes, and rebounded off before leaping up with a fist drop and a quick cover, that was kicked out of at 2.
Roy Hardy: Close call with that fist drop, Violet's starting to set the pace of the match, making it a little more aggressive.
Violet gets Stokes into a seated position, and then kneels down, putting a reverse chin lock on Nina. Stokes groaned with discomfort as Violet applied pressure, stretching her head back. Nina clenched her fists, while the crowds slowly began to stomp their feet building momentum for her, as she fights her way to her feet.
Jesse Watson: Looks like Nina's fighting her way out of this hold!
Stokes gets on one knee, before elbowing her opponent in the midsection. Violet released the hold, but quickly gives her a shoot kick to the back, which echoed through the arena as Nina looked like she was in extreme pain.
Roy Hardy: Ouch! You could hear that outside!
Jesse Watson: And Nina's face says it all, folks! That had to hurt.
Violet gets Nina up to her feet, and clutched her for a vertical suplex. She lifted Nina up, but, she lands on her feet. Turning Violet around, she sweeped out her leg with an STO takedown and followed through with a delayed knee drop, before going for a pinfall on her. 1.. 2.. No!
Roy Hardy: Wow! Violet kicked out at two and a half!
Jesse Watson: That was a nasty combination by Nina Stokes, I'm shocked that she escaped out of that!
Violet was slow to get up, as Nina taunted to the crowd. She began to head to the outer apron, looking for her slingshot DDT, as she stalked her opponent. Violet began to get up on spaghetti legs, and Nina springs in, driving Violet's head into the mat, as that move taken a lot out of both women.
Roy Hardy: Whoa! What a move!
Jesse Watson: It looks like she hurt herself just as much as she hurt Violet, though. She needs to cover her, now.
Nina slowly began to stir, and crawled over, hooking both of Violet's legs, looking for the pin on her. 1.. 2.. no! Nina shot up in disbelief that Violet managed to kick out of that move.
Roy Hardy: Wow! What resiliency by Violet Bloom, tonight!
Jesse Watson: She's taken a beating, but, Nina just hasn't been able to put her away.
Nina gets Violet up on her legs, and tucked her in. She hooked both arms looking for the tiger bomb, but, Violet wriggled out and lifted Nina up before planting her back down hard with a Samoan Drop, as she covered Nina quickly. 1.. 2.. No!
Roy Hardy: Beautiful counter into a Samoan Drop, and another near fall in this match!
Jesse Watson: Very close call by Nina Stokes as well. Neither one of these two want to give the other an inch.
Violet looked like she was getting ready to finish this match, as she gets Nina to her feet. She started to Irish whip Nina into the corner, but, it's a reversal! Violet runs face first into the turnbuckle, and Nina goes for a backslide pin, but, she bridged over her body as well. 1.. 2.. 3!
The ending bell rings, as Nina rolled off of Violet, as she looked surprised at what hit her. Stokes celebrated outside of the ring, as one of Violet's more aggressive personalities took over, talking trash at her.
Randall Jobbs: Here is your winner, via pinfall at the 10:13 mark of the match… Nina Stokes!
Roy Hardy: Tremendous match between two of wrestling’s most talented ladies.
Jesse Watson: Just as competitive as I knew it’d be! I’m sad to see it over.
Roy Hardy: It was a fun match to watch, that’s for sure.
Universal Wrestling Federation -
PWSWF -
Jackson vs. Chris Night
Randall Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
(The lights dim, heavy mist filling the ramp as strobe lights begin to pulse slowly. A steady bass throb begins, growing in volume, sounding much like a heartbeat. A single gunshot shatters the silence, followed by mocking laughter and Jackson's voice hurling insults before the music skips, and then the sounds of "Lies" by Evanescence filters through the speakers. Dark red strobes pulsate on the entrance-way; illuminated in the shadows are the unmistakable silhouettes of a man and a woman. The pair step forward as a shower of red and indigo pyrotechnics rain down over them.)
Randall Jobbs: From Reno, Nevada, weighing in at 213 pounds… Jackson!
(Jackson pauses at the top of the ramp, bathed in sparks as he turns towards his wife, the radiant Lyv Jackson and holds out his hand to her. She takes it and he pulls her close, grabbing the back of her thigh as he kisses her deeply. She smirks and leans her head against his chest as he releases the embrace and begins walking with her towards the ring, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. He circles the ring once, his eyes steady, a look of angry concentration on his face, before ascending the ring steps. Once there he holds out his trusty baseball bat to his girl and waits while she takes it before climbing between the ropes. Lyv flashes her husband a devilish smile, puts her hand to her lips, and mimes blowing Jackson a kiss for luck. He snatches it from the air and mimes placing it in his pocket before stalking towards the center of the ring. Jackson stands there, his head thrown back in a triumphant roar as the music comes to a grinding halt, cut off with a squeal of feedback.)
Randall Jobbs: And his opponent…
(The lights darken and red pyro suddenly comes out of the entrance way and the lighting turns red, as "The Pretender" by Foo Fighters hits, and out walks Chris Night with Kelly Fury by his side. Chris raises his hands up in the air, as the fans begin to cheer him on.)
Randall Jobbs: From San Bernadino, California, weighing in at 200 pounds… Chris Night!
(Chris Night then runs down the entrance way and slides into the ring as Kelly follows behind, slapping the hands of the front row fans. Chrise then jumps up onto the very top of the turnbuckle and raises his hands. Chris then back flips off the top, and lands on the apron on his feet as red pyro explodes out of all four turnbuckles.)
Roy Hardy: A very interesting match up here. Two high profile competitors and two very contrasting styles. This will be good.
(As soon as the bell rings, Jackson tries to take a quick cheap shot, swinging at Chris Night but Chris ducks the sucker punch attempt. As Jackson turns around, Night hits him with some aggressive forearm shots to the mouth. Night grabs Jackson and attempts to send him off into the ropes but Jackson reverses it. As Night comes off of the ropes, Jackson goes for a clothesline but Chris ducks under the attempt. Night hit’s the ropes again and as Jackson turns around, Chris catches him with a spinning heel kick. Both men get to their feet and Chris goes for a kick but Jackson catches his foot. Night doesn’t miss a beat though, connecting with a dragon whip kick.)
Roy Hardy: Chris Night is on fire right now!
Jesse Watson: I don’t think Jackson expected to see Night so aggressive here in the early going.
(When Jackson gets to his feet, Chris grabs him shoves him into the corner. As Chris comes in at him, Jackson comes back with a hard European uppercut. Jackson grabs Chris and brings him into the corner. Jackson lands some hard right hand punches but Chris is finally able to block one of them, coming back with some forearms. Jackson stops the forearms though, hitting Night with a quick head butt that stuns him. Jackson backs up to the center of the ring and then charges in but Chris gets his elbow up, catching Jackson in the mouth with it. Chris jumps up to the second rope and as Jackson turns around, Night leaps off and catches him with a hurricanrana. Chris rushes over and goes for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Night keeping the momentum going and making the first pin attempt but only getting a two count.
Jesse Watson: Jackson really needs to get something going here, to get back into this match.
(Both men get to their feet and Jackson goes to throw a kick to the stomach but Chris catches it and lands a step over spin kick. He goes for another pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Chris caught him hard in the mouth with that spin kick and he tries to put him away but still not nearly enough.
(They both get up and Jackson strikes first with a quick kick to the midsection. He hits Night with a few chops to the chest before delivering a European uppercut, sending Night staggering backwards into the ropes. Jackson charges in but Night sidesteps him, pulling the top rope down and Jackson goes flying over the top and to the outside. Jackson lands on his feet and smirks but when he turns around, Night slingshots himself over the top rope, catching Jackson with a plancha.)
Roy Hardy: Chris Night taking to the air!
Jesse Watson: Jackson was pretty pleased with himself that he had the body control to land on his feet but he didn’t see that coming!
Roy Hardy: This has been almost all Chris Night here in the opening 5 minutes of this contest!
(Chris rolls Jackson into the ring and then jumps up onto the ring apron and climbs to the top rope. As Jackson gets to his feet, Night leaps off and connects with a missile dropkick. He then crawls over for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Chris quickly gets Jackson up and hits him with some forearms to the mouth. He then attempts to send Jackson into the ropes but Jackson reverses it. As Night comes off the ropes, Jackson catches him with a gorilla press and then drops him, catching him with a hard punch to the gut as he’s coming down.)
Roy Hardy: Big counter by Jackson there.
Jesse Watson: That could have been a big game changer.
Roy Hardy: Yeah, he may have knocked the wind right out of Chris Night.
(As Night climbs to his feet, Jackson lifts him up and brings him down gut-first across his knee, with a stomach breaker. He pushes down Night’s back, driving his ribs down into his knee before getting him up and then planting him into the mat with a brain buster. Jackson goes for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Jackson is starting to zero in on that stomach, it looks like.
Jesse Watson: It’s a good strategy. If Night can’t breathe, he can’t do much of anything.
(Jackson starts to get Chris up but Chris reaches up and pulls him down into a small package pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night just almost stole the match!
(They both rush to their feet and Chris swings at Jackson but Jackson ducks it and grabs Night into a sleeper hold.)
Jesse Watson: Sleeper hold! Kicking it a little old school, here.
Roy Hardy: Jackson is an old school competitor. He’s not flashy. He just looks for ways to hurt you and wear you out.
(Chris drops down, catching Jackson with a jawbreaker and getting him to break the sleeper that Jackson had synched in. Night gets up, grabbing Jackson and sending him off into the ropes. As Jackson comes off the ropes, Chris catches him with a dropkick. With Jackson down, Chris then goes for a standing moonsault but Jackson gets his knees up into the ribs of Night.)
Roy Hardy: Chris was looking to gain his momentum back but Jackson with a well placed counter.
Jesse Watson: Right back to those ribs of Chris Night. He has to do a better job of protecting himself.
(Jackson gets up and drags Chris up along with him. Jackson lands a hard kick to the stomach, before landing a couple of hard right hands, backing Chris up into the corner. Jackson lands several hard kicks to the gut before grabbing him and attempting to send him into the opposite corner but Night reverses it. Chris comes charging in but Jackson gets his foot up, catching Night in the mouth hard with the boot. As Night staggers backwards and turns around, Jackson charges out of the corner, going for a clothesline but Night ducks it. Chris spins Jackson around and goes for “Lights Out” but Jackson shoves him off into the ropes. As Chris bounces off of them, Jackson catches him with a kick to the midsection and then plants him with “Welcome To The Machine” bridging over into a pin with it..)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night kicking out JUST in time!
Jesse Watson: I thought that may have been the end of it for him, right there.
(Jackson pulls Night to his feet and lifts him up into a gorilla press but Night is able to wiggle his way out of Night’s grasp, landing on his feet behind Jackson. Jackson turns around and Night grabs him and plants him with a cutter, going for a pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night connected with “Lights Out” that time but it wasn’t enough to keep Jackson down and out of it!
Jesse Watson: As expected, this has been a hell of a match!
(Chris gets up and goes to the corner, climbing up to the top rope and signaling for “The Nightmare Splash.” He leaps off, going for the frog splash but Jackson rolls out of the way in time.)
Jesse Watson: Chris Night just crashed and burned!
Roy Hardy: That’s why it’s called high risk. This time, the risk didn’t pay off.
(Jackson gets up, pulling Chris up as well. Jackson drives his knee into Night’s midsection several times before lifting him and driving him into the mat with a power bomb. Jackson goes for the pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Jackson turns Chris over and then locks him into a camel clutch submission hold.)
Roy Hardy: Jackson is really wrenching back on Night’s neck.
Jesse Watson: Another move that makes it tough for Night to breathe. He may have to tap out.
(Night looks like he’s about to give in and tap out at one point but he’s able to struggle over to the ropes enough to maneuver his foot over, draping it across the bottom on.)
Roy Hardy: Great ring awareness by Chris Night to get to the ropes.
Jesse Watson: You call it ring awareness but I call it fighting for his life.
(The ref forces Jackson to break the submission hold and he does. He starts to get Night to his feet and Chris starts to fight back, landing a few shots to the midsection of Jackson. Chris hit’s the ropes but as he comes off of them, Jackson lands a kick to the stomach and then drives Night into the mat with a fisherman suplex. Jackson hooks the leg for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Jackson brings Night to his feet and sends him off into the corner. Jackson charges in, going for a corner clothesline but Chris moves out of the way in time and Jackson crashes chest-first into the turnbuckles. Chris delivers a dropkick to Jackson’s back and he staggers out of the corner. As he does, Chris brings him down with a schoolboy pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout at 2 ½!!
Roy Hardy: Man that was close! Chris Night almost picked up the victory there!
Jesse Watson: These guys are pulling everything out trying to get this win!
(Both men rush to their feet and Jackson charges at Night but Chris catches him with a drop toe hold. As Jackson rolls over onto his back, Chris hit’s the ropes and then connects with rolling thunder. He goes for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Chris gets up and goes to the corner, perching himself up on the second rope. As Jackson gets to his feet, Night leaps off, going for a cross body but Jackson catches him. Jackson then swings him up and then drives him down into the mat with “Therapy.” Jackson hooks the leg..)
1...
2...
3!!!!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 17:12 mark of the match.. Jackson!!
Roy Hardy: Chris Night went high risk, looking for that diving cross body but Jackson had it scouted and reversed it, connecting with that Michinoku Driver for the win!
Jesse Watson: And man did he spike Night into the ring or what!
Roy Hardy: He sure did. Chris really put up a hell of a fight and had Jackson on the ropes, many times during this match. But that Michinoku Driver was the game changer.
Jesse Watson: That wasn’t just the game changer, that was the game ender. The walk off home run. The last second hail mary touchdown. The buzzer beating three pointer.
Roy Hardy: We get the picture. Jackson came through in the clutch when he needed to. And that was the deciding factor in this fantastic match.
E-Fed Guerrilas -
Frontier Grappling Arts -
Laurel Anne Hardy Deathmatch Invitational I
Jamie Steel vs. Matt Kail vs. Suzume Mitsuyoshi vs. Whiskey Ayano vs. Zack Lifer vs. Laurel Anne Hardy
Randall Jobbs: The following match is a six-way deathmatch which will be fought to one fall! In this match there are no countouts, no disqualifications, and falls count anywhere within the auditorium.
(As the general ballistic hubbub of the audience settles, different sections of the room start chanting for different competitors. There's even a very small crowd of like fifteen people chanting for the relatively unknown Jamie Steel.)
Randall Jobbs: Introducing first...
(A big cheer goes up as the stage is beamed on by gold and white lights, the bulbs dimming slightly. Heroic hues float over the entryway, the ramp and of course the audience, who ignite with cheers as "Alive in the Lights" by Memphis May Fire booms through the speakers.)
From the beginning, I knew I was different.
I embraced it, but you didn't.
Your normal life, 9-5, it's just not for me.
I need to feel alive!
I embraced it, but you didn't.
Your normal life, 9-5, it's just not for me.
I need to feel alive!
(As the lights of gold and white beam down against the crowd, searching up the stairs and to the cheap seats, they notice a familiar silhouette. Standing in the middle of a crowd of screaming, sign-waving Lifer Addicts is the man himself, raising in one hand that old hardcore wrestling staple, a metal trash can full of weapons. After a moment he starts making his way down the stands.)
Don't you see the minds that have changed?
Do you see the lives that have been saved?
Don't you care to see the difference I've made?
Listen closely, the highways call my name.
Don't you see this is my everything?
Do you see the lives that have been saved?
Don't you care to see the difference I've made?
Listen closely, the highways call my name.
Don't you see this is my everything?
(Zack Lifer's approach to the ring is slower than usual, understandably given that he's bringing a large bin with him, but after placing it over the guardrail he then clears the barrier himself in one standing jump. He tosses a few items from the can into the ring then cross to the stairs.)
Randall Jobbs: From Newark, New Jersey, weighing two hundred and two pounds...
(As he gets to the top of the steps, his eyes dart across the arena, stunned by the crowd reaction. The audience gets louder as he climbs the turnbuckle, his arm rising in triumph with a gentle smirk across his face.)
Randall Jobbs: ZAAAACK... LIIIFEEERRR!
(A single golden colored firework shoots diagonally from the stage, the location of its starting point mirroring the top turnbuckle he resides on - Zack now already pacing the ring after hopping the rope effortlessly from the apron. The firework screeches loudly, cutting across the arena air and another loud pop from the crowd.)
Don't you care to see the difference I've made?
(He keeps his eyes on the entrance way as he paces back and forth, the faintest hint of a smile on the corner of one lip.)
Randall Jobbs: And his first opponent...
BURNING FIRES, BURNING LIVES, ON THE LONG DISTANT ROADS
THROUGH THE LOST MOUNTAINS, ENDLESS, SO FAR AWAY FROM HOME...
THROUGH THE LOST MOUNTAINS, ENDLESS, SO FAR AWAY FROM HOME...
(As the opening to Dragonforce's “Soldiers of the Wasteland" starts to fill the arena, Suzume Mitsuyoshi pushes her way through the curtain. She's in brand new ring gear tonight, complete with epaulettes and striking gloves and decorated in the colour and trim of 40k's World Eaters traitor Chaos chapter, but even more eye catching is her faithful barbed wire baseball bat which is slung over one shoulder. She grins as she looks around at the crowd, then raises her bat up to a big pop before raising her other hand to join the first in a V shape. Then she starts making her way down the ramp and slapping a few fans' hands on the way.)
Randall Jobbs: From Osaka... weighing in at one hundred twenty-seven pounds... SUZUME... MITSUUUYOOOOOOSHIIIIII!
(As she's formally introduced, Suzume slides under the bottom rope, climbing up onto the nearest turnbuckle and raising both arms up into the air again. She thrusts the bat into the air twice, pointing out into the crowd before hopping down. She and Zack Lifer bow to each other, then she leans herself back against the turnbuckle.)
Randall Jobbs: And the third entrant...
(Spotlights dance across the stage as I:Scintilla's “Ammunition" blasts onto the speakers. When the song kicks in properly Matt Kail bursts through the curtain, screaming in excitement and getting the fans even more hyped. He's strapped down with a huge backpack, a utility belt, a flak jacket, thigh holsters - all black, and all (of course) stuffed with weapons. As he runs to the ring he darts back and forth to slap outstretched hands.)
Randall Jobbs: From London, Ontario! Weighing two hundred and twelve pounds...
(After gauging his chances of successfully sliding through the ropes weighed down with all this gear, Matt just shakes his head climbs up onto the apron and rolls over the top.)
Randall Jobbs: MAAAAATT... KAAAAAAILLLL!
(Matt nods to Suzume and Zack in turn, then starts shrugging off his backpack.)
Randall Jobbs: The fourth entrant...
(The opening drum solo of ‘What's Left of Me' by Redneck Remedy kicks off, the strobe lights thrumming with every beat of the kickers. The silhouette of a person appears against the lights before they suddenly shut off and the whole arena goes dark for a moment. The guitar riff and the lights come back on simultaneously to show Whisky Ayano standing at the top of the ramp, a large, flowing robe bearing the Rebel Union insignia on the back of it covering her like a shroud. She steps aside to reveal the frame of a shopping trolley cart, but the basket has been replaced by a modest-sized liquor cabinet. It is - obviously - stocked.)
Randall Jobbs: From Saga by way of Nashville, weighing one hundred and fifty-four pounds...
(Whiskey grabs two bottles from it and pours them both into her throat at the same time, then tosses the bottles and draws a lighter which she uses to spit out a large gout of flame to a big pop.)
Randall Jobbs: WHISKEEEEYYYY... AYYYAAAANOOOOO!
(The Deep South Dragon pushes the cart down to ringside - and before entering asks Matt, Suzume and Zack what they want to drink. Suzume says she wants a Fireball, and Whiskey can't help but laugh. Matt shrugs and puts in an order for rum, while Zack asks for a Coke. Whiskey raises an eyebrow.)
Whiskey Ayano: What-u do you want with that? Vodka? Rum? Scotch?
Zack Lifer: Just Coke is fine.
(Whiskey shrugs and starts pouring them out while her music fades, in favour of Krewella's “Killin' It.")
Randall Jobbs: And the fifth entrant...
(As the beat comes in, Jamie Steel walks out onstage looking equal parts excited and nervous. As she surveys the ring she takes in Lifer's trash can, Mitsuyoshi's barbed wire bat, Kail's tactical combat suit and Ayano's bar on wheels, then finally down at her own empty hands, looking like she's kicking herself inside. But nonetheless she starts making her way down, high fiving fans.)
Randall Jobbs: From Manchester, weighing one hundred and thirty-four pounds... JAAAAAMIIIEEE! STEEEEEL!
(As Jamie reaches the ring, Whiskey halts her. She gestures to the cabinet again and asks what she wants. Jamie looks across her opponents from the night, looks thoughtful for a moment, then asks for tequila. Whiskey commends her choice and gets to it.)
Randall Jobbs: And their final opponent!
(The lights dim again as Deerhoof's “Super Duper Rescue Heads !" hits and pink, green and blue lights twinkle across the entranceway. As the beat kicks in a figure emerges, back to the audience, arms raised. Another big cheer goes up as she turns round and the lights return to normal, revealing long tie-dyed tights, a sky blue spaghetti crop with a cute yellow bumblebee print and fake flowers in her hair.)
Randall Jobbs: From Rhyl, weighing one hundred and forty-eight pounds...
(But instead of coming to the ring Laurel turns back through the curtain. Randal frowns in confusion, but Laurel quickly re-emerges dragging a cart full of weapons in both hands - all of them decorated with multicoloured paint and swirls of glitter.)
Randall Jobbs: LAUREL! ANNE! HAAARDAAYYYY!
(When the Welshwoman reaches Whiskey, Whiskey asks what she's drinking. Laurel thinks for a moment then requests a blueberry and elderflower mojito, to which Whiskey responds with an unimpressed scowl and a double deuce. Laurel suggests a caipirinha; Whiskey hands her a bottle of cachaca and a lime and tells her to make it herself. Laurel shrugs and takes the bottle into the ring with her, then as she climbs the turnbuckles to pose, Whiskey passes everyone up their orders.)
Roy Hardy: “Six fighters, one fall, no rules" is how it was advertised. I'll be surprised if this doesn't end up as the craziest match we've had yet in PWP.
Jesse Watson: It's all your namesake's idea... blame her.
Roy Hardy: I'm pretty sure we're not related - which I'm glad about if this craziness is congenital. This match came about quite simply because Laurel Anne Hardy asked five of her friends to join her in a deathmatch. These six have been talking about how they're going to put each other through hell... for fun!?
Jesse Watson: Yup. We've seen both Laurel and Suzume tweeting earlier today about being ready for a release.
(The six competitors take up positions in the ring ready for the match - but Laurel stops referee Eric Wilson before he can ring the bell. She slides out to one of her weapon trollies, roots through it for a second, shoves some odd weapons including a bunch of light tubes into the ring, then pulls out...)
Roy Hardy: A camera?
(The Artist Currently Known As Fabulous re-enters the ring and hands the camera to Eric, then gestures for the others to get around her. The wrestlers assemble into a group huddle and raise their drinks, and the ref snaps the shot.)
Jesse Watson: Well, I guess an event like this needs the souvenir photo.
(Eric shows them the picture and they all nod approval. He passes the camera down to ringside, then calls for the bell.
Zack Lifer and Jamie Steel, at opposite ends of the scrum, have the same idea and lift the people next to them - Suzume and Matt respectively - in backdrop suplexes. That, in turn, sends Whiskey and Laurel over too since they're in the middle! Suzume kips up - straight into a front facelock from Jamie. A moment later Matt too is caught in Zack's clutches. Both Steel and Lifer lift their opponents up into vertical suplexes, only to be dropkicked in the face by Whiskey and Laurel respectively, sending all six competitors crashing to the mat.)
Roy Hardy: Eric Wilson wearing thick gloves there. Obviously expecting the ring to fill with sharp things...
(Whiskey grabs Jamie as she's the closest person to hand and tosses her from the ring before jumping out too. On the other side, Laurel does the same with Zack, leaving Matt and Suzume in the ring. Matt throws a jumping roundhouse which Suzume backrolls under. He swings back in the other direction and she spins behind him before throwing him over with a German suplex. As Matt lands he realises why wearing a big vest full of weapons to the ring was a bad idea, and calls for a time out to disrobe himself of his stuff.)
Jesse Watson: I think Kail has replicas of Deadpool's katanas in there! That has to hurt.
(On the outside, Whiskey and Jamie are tossing each other around ringside. Whiskey pummels Jamie with a couple of fists then whips her into the steps, but as Whiskey charges in with a big kick Jamie grabs the oncoming foot and yanks it over the stairs. Whiskey's painted face contorts in pain as her thigh muscles get stretched out, although it's only a moment before she's lariated to the ground by Jamie and thrown headfirst into the side of Zack's garbage can.
Lifer himself meanwhile is trading stiff backhand chest chops with Laurel Anne Hardy. As he blasts her, she sinks back against the barricade, but comes back and blasts him back, sending him sagging against the apron - only to return fire himself a moment later.)
Roy Hardy: Vicious, vicious shots from Lifer and Hardy.
Jesse Watson: Are you sure these guys are friends?
Roy Hardy: For people like Laurel and Zack this is probably how they say good morning.
(Zack wheels back and goes for a discus punch but Laurel grabs him around the waist and tries to lift him northern lights style. Zack sandbags and clubs her on the spine - only to be crushed by Suzume flying over the ropes courtesy of a back body drop from Matt! Laurel escapes the tangle and ducks under the ring apron, and to a huge, huge cheer pulls a large box-like table made entirely of Lego!)
Jesse Watson: Here we go! Hardy has wanted a Lego deathmatch all year, and she might have just got herself one!
Roy Hardy: Is Lego really that dangerous?
Jesse Watson: Ever stood on one barefoot?
Roy Hardy: Good point... and Laurel herself is one of the two barefoot wrestlers in there, along with Whiskey Ayano. She'd better hope that doesn't come back to bite her in the ass. Or... foot.
Jesse Watson: I honestly don't think she cares, Roy, as long as she gets something involving Lego into this match - oh! Matt Kail with huge air!
(While the Japanese Batman vaults over the top rope in a no hands plancha, wiping out both Whiskey and Jamie, Laurel smacks Zack in the head with a baking tray, one of the many weapons left spilt around ringside from the early brawling. She rolls him onto the Lego table, then whacks Suzume as well and powerslams her on top of Lifer. The Lego table creaks ominously, prompting a cheer, and Laurel climbs onto the apron and then up to the top turnbuckle.
She raises a fist, then readies herself to leap into Lifer and Mitsuyoshi. But she's triangle dropkicked all the way to ringside by Whiskey Ayano, landing far from her target! While Zack and Suzume come round and Whiskey tosses Laurel into the guardrail, Matt stomps Jamie and rolls her into the ring.)
Roy Hardy: Jamie Steel has been wrestling a while and won a fair number of titles, but never on a stage this big. This is her coming out match in many ways, her first chance to show the world what she's about.
Jesse Watson: She picked a weird match for it. She is not a hardcore wrestler. I mean, she didn't even bring a weapon!
Roy Hardy: True, but she shares that never say die attitude with the other five! And don't forget, Whiskey Ayano has really only been in one deathmatch - an absolute classic against The Saint Of Killers, V, right here in PWP.
Jesse Watson: What a match that was! If this one is even half as intense it'll be a classic too! And let's see what she's picked up...
(Whiskey grabs the bin Zack brought and scoops Laurel up, depositing her headfirst into it with the weapons still inside. She backs up and raises a bottle of brandy [you really gonna ask where it came from? It's Whiskey friggin' Ayano!]. After a long drink, she charges forward and slides into the can with a basement dropkick.)
Jesse Watson: Laurel's head must be ringing like a bell!
Roy Hardy: And Whiskey's not done...
(Whiskey empties the bin of both the weapons and her friend, then places it on the ground. She lifts Laurel up... Saito suplex through the can!)
Roy Hardy: Looks like she picked up plenty!
(While Whiskey disentangles herself from the crushed steel and Zack and Suzume exchange weapon shots around the corner, Matt whips Jamie towards the ropes. He catches her with a hiptoss on the way back, keeps the hold, and spins her into a kneeling armbar. She grits her teeth, fighting back panic, and tries to find an exit - but he's too strong. So she looks around, and realises Laurel's half-drunk bottle of cachaca is within scrabbling distance. Too late Matt realises what she's doing, and he can't block the headshot.)
Roy Hardy: There you go! Steel adapting to this environment!
(Jamie takes a swig from the bottle then hits Matt with it again. She twists him into a hammerlock then sweeps him to the ground, floats over and pushes her knees against his skull. He tries to push out so she floats round again, keeping the hammerlock in place and never letting him get the moment of stability to find an escape.)
Roy Hardy: Some classic British chain wrestling from Jamie Steel.
Jesse Watson: I think the fans want to see some more violence from this match, though!
Roy Hardy: Oh, something tells me they'll get it.
(Jamie rolls Matt and pulls him up into an abdominal stretch. But as she's cranking the pressure, Whiskey slides in and leaps for her in a vaulting neck snap. As the two women land Whiskey bridges out into a facelock - while Matt is still in the abdominal stretch, now being bent right back! He thrashes around as the pressure Whiskey is putting on Jamie adds to the pressure Jamie is putting on him.)
Roy Hardy: Jamie finding out that when it comes to submissions, it's better to give than to receive!
Jesse Watson: I think she'd probably figured that out already.
(A moment later Zack enters the ring, having whipped Suzume right over the guardrail, and grabs Whiskey's legs. Although her bridge drops, she keeps the facelock applied to Jamie even as Zack twists her into a figure four!)
Roy Hardy: Three submissions at once now!
(Suzume finds her way back to the ring a moment later and wraps her legs around Zack's neck in a scissors, reaching back to grab onto the ropes for added leverage.)
Jesse Watson: Make that four submissions at once!
Roy Hardy: And using the ropes like that is fine in this match.
(A roar goes up from the crowd as a ladder is pushed up against the side of the ring by Laurel Anne Hardy. She climbs to the top turnbuckle, pulls the ladder up and holds it perpendicular to herself, then backflips off.)
Roy Hardy: MOONSAULT WITH THE LADDER! Laurel just moonsaulted that ladder into all five opponents at once!
Jesse Watson: They really need to be more careful about storing those under the ring.
(All six competitors are slow getting back up. Jamie, on instinct, goes for another hammerlock on Lifer, but her own arm is twisted away by Suzume. Laurel gets under Suzume in an Argentine rack, and as she drops Suzume backwards, the hammerlock flips Jamie off her feet. Matt grabs Laurel's feet and lifts her up in a wheelbarrow, then slams her into Whiskey like a battering ram. Zack boots Matt to make him drop his stablemate, and as they all fall, Laurel's head lands in an especially uncomfortable part of Whiskey's anatomy - which is doubly bad for her as she lands on the ladder, and triply bad when Zack drops a leg across Laurel's shoulders.)
Jesse Watson: Any circumstances but that, Whiskey Ayano would have been been over the moon to have Hardy's face in her crotch.
(As Zack rises he's caught in an inverted facelock and dropped spine first across Suzume's knee, before Suzume is herself levelled with a legitimate Japanese businessman kick from Matt. Finally, Matt himself is turned inside out with a discus clothesline from Jamie. Jamie turns to find herself standing alone above the bodies - but Laurel has backed into the corner and is beckoning for a spear!)
Jesse Watson: Don't turn around, Jamie...
Roy Hardy: Don't let her size fool you. Laurel's done a lot, and I mean a LOT of damage in her career with that spear.
(Jamie turns... Laurel pounces... Jamie with the armdrag to Laurel! Whiskey's up, but Jamie with the armdrag to Whiskey! And you get an armdrag! AND YOU GET AN ARMDRAG! Everyone's getting an armdrag! All five opponents go down in a circle around her. But they get straight back up again. I mean... those were just armdrags, right? Jamie looks around, slowly realising that 1) she is the one with most momentum right now, and 2) she's surrounded. She manages a small ‘eep' before getting blasted with five light tube shots at once! )
Jesse Watson: Ouch! But that's what happens in a match like this!
(With Jamie down one one knee, swaying woozily, Zack hits the ropes and comes in for his patented running knee strike.)
Roy Hardy: FORCED SUICIDE!
(But no! Zack is caught with a superkick to the chin from Suzume! He stumbles into a German suplex from Whiskey, who is herself then crushed by a leaping leg drop from her own tag partner. Laurel slips behind Suzume and hauls her up in a dragon suplex, spiking the less-drunken joshi on her head. As Laurel gets up she's dropkicked clean through the ropes by Matt Kail, who then kicks each of Lifer, Mitsuyoshi and Ayano under the bottom rope in turn, along with the ladder.)
Jesse Watson: And we come back to Steel and Kail.
(Matt lifts Jamie up and drives a few knees into her ribs, then bounces off the drops and smacks her to the ground with a springboard dropkick. After raising a fist he goes up top calling for his breathtaking Tumultuous Fall - his corkscrew shooting star press legdrop. The fans, excited to see the move live, cheer and stomp - but Jamie tosses one of the discarded liquor bottles at his head, dropping him down to a sitting position across the top turnbuckle. She quickly gets under him in an electric chair... turns back towards the ring... Japanese ocean cyclone suplex into the remains of the light tubes!)
Roy Hardy: That's the Morning After Driver! One of her deadliest weapons!
(Jamie holds the bridge.)
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2..
(Springboard senton from Laurel to break it up!)
Roy Hardy: Remember, this is not an elimination match. It's in everyone's interest to break up pinfalls.
(While Matt expends the last of his energy to roll to ringside, Laurel scouts Jamie sitting up and catches her with a cartwheel dropkick to the kisser. She lifts her up and throws her into the glass shards with a butterfly suplex, then looks around for her opponents. Zack and Whiskey are brawling at ringside while Suzume's still nursing her head. Laurel grins and throws an arm over to the Lego table, and a huge cheer erupts. Laurel drags Jamie to the edge of the ring and starts setting up for a powerbomb.)
Jesse Watson: Welcome to deathmatches, Jamie!
(Jamie starts fighting back, punching Laurel in the top of the head. But just as the fans can take that in, Suzume springboards from the perpendicular ropes to land right across Jamie's own shoulders. The three woman tower of doom starts to wobble... Suzume with the headscissors throw, pulling Jamie out of Laurel's grasp! Laurel turns round to see what happened, and eats a kick from Suzume who follows that up by dropping her throat-first across the ropes before launching her back into the ring, right onto the broken glass.)
Roy Hardy: Suzume Mitsuyoshi may not quite be an ultraviolence specialist like Zack Lifer or Laurel Anne Hardy, but she's still got plenty of deathmatch experience.
(While Suzume puts the pressure on Jamie and Laurel in the ring, Whiskey and Zack are brawling at ringside. Zack whips Whiskey towards the guardrail but she hits the brakes and skids into a three point stance; Zack runs at Whiskey but she finds an Equalization chop block to drop him. She treats him to a few weapon shots with whatever comes to hand, but stops mid-arc when she realises what her current weapon is: a still-sealed bottle of Booker's 25th Anniversary True Barrel. She gasps at her almost-faux-pas, then quickly opens it and takes a deep swig, then offers it to Zack.)
Jesse Watson: Whiskey wasn't kidding about the drinking in this match...
Roy Hardy: Did you ever think she was?
(It takes a moment for Zack to realise what Whiskey is doing, since he's still groggy from the previous weapon shots. He passes on the alcohol. Whiskey shrugs and pours more down her own gullet - until Zack drops her with a clothesline! The bottle goes tumbling and bourbon spills out over the floor. Whiskey sinks to her knees, about ready to scream out NOOOOOO!! - and she's kneed in the back of the head by Zack.
Zack sets the ladder against the steps at an angle, then grabs Whiskey and sets her up for a suplex into it. But she sandbags and manages to spin him round for a suplex attempt of her own! Zack sandbags too. Whiskey responds with a sitout jawbreaker, and Zack sprawls back against the ladder. Whisky boots him in the midsection then rolls him onto the floor and starts walking up the rungs to the top of the leaning ladder. At the top of her precarious platform, she steadies herself...)
Roy Hardy: What does the Deep South Dragon have planned here!?
(We never find out as Zack runs up the ladder and decapitates her with an elbow strike!)
Jesse Watson: Dead Air! Dead Air right off the ladder!
(The crowd lose their minds for the move. Despite currently being on the wrong end of a flapjack into the corner by Suzume, Laurel can't help but grin at the sound of it. Whiskey's left rolling around holding her head but Lifer lands badly too, and in the time it takes for him to recover and crawl over Whiskey for the cover, Suzume has already seen what's happening. She grabs the top rope and vaults over in a plancha to break it up as the hand is coming down for the first time.
In the ring, Jamie drops Laurel with an inverted suplex into the shards, then lifts her up in an electric chair looking for Morning After Driver number two. But this time it's Laurel with punches to the head. She manages to drop down and spin Jamie round into a front straightjacket, and hits the Flower Plower neckbreaker! Hardy pushes Steel flat for the cover.)
1..
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(Somehow Suzume manages to dive back in and break it up!)
Roy Hardy: How can a human being move so fast!?
(Zack slides into the ring with a purple and orange chair from Laurel's supply and proceeds to to flatten all three competitors in there. Jamie slumps into the corner and Zack promptly knocks her silly with a chair-assisted facewash dropkick. He gives Whiskey and Laurel stomps, then covers the latter.)
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(He's pulled off Laurel by a man in a mask! Zack gets up and comes face to face with a dark cowl, with pointed ears. He's stood steepling his fingers, black cloak flowing, eyes boring a hole through Zack's very soul.)
Zack Lifer: What are you?
(The dark figure cricks its neck.)
Matt Kail: I'm the goddamn Japanese Batman.
(Zack throws a punch, and Matt dances back. He reaches into his thigh holster and pulls something out, throwing it at Zack.)
Jesse Watson: Batarangs!?
(Matt smoothly lets fly a barrage of bat-shaped metal discs. Not being the most aerodynamic of objects, many fall short, but a few hit their target. They only do a little damage though, and Zack still charges back. He catches Matt with a high boot, backs him against the ropes, then whips him across in the other direction. On the rebound he goes for a flying lariat but Matt ducks it, diving for his discarded vest. As Zack spins round, Matt powers up into him and Zack goes flying right back across the ring.)
Jesse Watson: Wow... oversell much?
Roy Hardy: What's that Matt's holding...
(He raises it up for all to see...)
Roy Hardy: A taser!
(Zack shoots Matt one last look of ‘well played' before he rolls out of the ring to recover. Meanwhile Whiskey crawls back to her feet and scrambles around for the Booker's. She sighs as she lifts it to find that it's only half full now, the rest seeping into the floor of the arena. She shakes her head sadly and enters the ring. Matt goes for a taser shot, but she kicks it out of his hand and follows through into a roundhouse that knocks him across the canvas. Matt makes a move for the taser, but Whiskey leaps over him and knocks it under the ropes with a baseball slide.)
Roy Hardy: Where did that go!?
Jesse Watson: I think it flew into the stands.
Roy Hardy: That, uh, can't be good.
(Matt reaches into his jacket for something else. As he spins to his feet, cloak swirling, he flicks out an extendible, glowing lightsaber. Whiskey raises her hands, then looks around for something. Anything. She settles on a light tube, and brandishes it like a lightsaber of her own. The two fighters start to move back and forth, parrying and thrusting, and of course swinging the sabers around a lot, the audience chanting ‘vwoom' every time.)
Roy Hardy: Which one are they going to go for: ‘If you strike me down' or ‘I am your father'?
(Matt feints left and Whiskey falls for it. He swings around and slams his saber down - Whiskey only just getting her own up in time to block.
CRASH!
Of course, her own is just a light tube, and it gets obliterated. If anything, Whiskey just made the blow worse because she now has glass shards flying at her. As she takes the hit and reels back, she drops her hands to her hips and sighs. Jamie, Suzume and Laurel have all recovered by this point but are just watching. Laurel is doubled over laughing her ass off like Alan Alda at his own jokes. Zack rolls in too, still holding his chest. Everyone looks at everyone...)
Roy Hardy: All six back in the ring now for the first time in a while.
(Suddenly Whiskey calls a time out and gestures over to her liquor cabinet!)
Jesse Watson: A drink break? Why not.
(Whiskey leaves the ring to get a couple of bottles and some shot glasses then re-enters and starts pouring.)
Jesse Watson: Wonder if she'd mix something up for us.
(After pouring drinks, Whiskey swishes the dregs in the bottle around then drains them into her mouth, before tossing the bottle on the floor. She kicks it idly with her toe, spinning it around... Laurel snaps her fingers.)
Laurel Anne Hardy: Just a minute!
(She exits the ring and pulls from one of her carts a long cardboard box. She takes it back to the ring and pulls out a light tube! She hands one to Suzume, then Matt, then each other in turn taking the final one for herself. Then, finally, she invites Whiskey to spin the bottle.)
Roy Hardy: I... can't even describe what I'm seeing any more.
Jesse Watson: It's straightforward enough. They're going to take turns hitting each other with light tubes.
(Whiskey spins and her target is.... Laurel! Laurel actually seems pretty excited by that, stepping forward and spreading her arms. Whiskey raises the light tube... leans in and sneaks a quick kiss... then blasts Hardy over the head. Laurel staggers back, dazed - whether it's from the weapon shot or the kiss is hard to say.
Next in line for a spin is Jamie. Suzume, on the other side of Whiskey, looks disappointed that they're going clockwise. Jamie spins and gets... Matt! She hefts up the tube, then raises an eyebrow and tells him to take off the mask. He refuses and she grabs for it, but he clamps his hands onto it tight.)
Matt Kail: Can't... reveal... secret... identity!
(But Jamie tears it away and cracks him over the head with the tube. Zack takes his turn, and he spins... Matt again. Matt sighs and flips off the world in general, but takes the second light tube shot with courage. After recovering he rubs his hands, because it's his turn next. He points to both Jamie and Zack, and spins... Zack! Zack shrugs in acceptance of his fate, and barely flinches as Matt breaks the tube over his skull.
Suzume's clapping for Laurel to hurry up with her turn. Laurel obliges, spins... it lands on Suzume. Laurel shrugs and mouths ‘sorry babe' - Suzume just motions for her to hurry up so she can finally get to her own turn. She staggers back from Laurel's blow, but shakes it off and gleefully takes her own spin at long last. It spins and spins...)
Roy Hardy: Wow. You have to be kidding me.
(...and lands on Suzume herself! She just stares at it. Laurel says she can try again, but Suzume waves her off and holds the light tube up over her own head.)
Roy Hardy: Is she really going to do it?
Jesse Watson: She's not going to do it.
Roy Hardy: I think she's going to do it.
(And do it she does! She breaks a light tube over her own head, and immediately yells out a long cry of something half Japanese, half primal scream. A line of blood is running down her face. Whiskey puts her hand to her mouth.
Whiskey Ayano: There-u are kids watching this-u Suzu-chan! LANGUAGE!
(Suzume blushes and replies in Japanese. Whiskey says something in Japanese too. After a moment, Laurel joins in, and then Matt. And then Zack puts the Japanese he knows, picked up from his time spent touring the country, to try and find out what's going on!)
Roy Hardy: What are they talking about?
Jesse Watson: I have no idea. And neither does Jamie Steel!
(Steel is just shaking her head in confusion. She turns to Zack questioningly. He shrugs, and then they both dart forward to knock down the other four with a pair of double clotheslines!)
Roy Hardy: Well, guess we're back on the clock, anyway.
(While Zack grabs the chair and takes it to Matt and Laurel, Jamie knocks Whiskey and Suzume's heads together.)
Jesse Watson: Meeting of the minds for the tag team!
Roy Hardy: Ayano and Mitsuyoshi used to fighting alongside each other as Blazing Ransen Shojo, but I have to say, in this match they've been quite happy to take it to each other.
(Jamie slides out and pulls from under the ring a table! She sets it up at ringside while Zack scouts Matt with that painted up chair. Laurel goes to kick the chair back into Zack's face, and Zack tosses the chair. It's caught by our referee, Eric Wilson who - knowing full well what happens to people who catch chairs in a wrestling match - throws it on to Matt. As Matt catches it, it's sure enough dropkicked into his face - by Eric! Eric drops and covers Matt, and Laurel counts.)
1..
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(Suddenly Laurel realises what she's doing and stops. Eric looks up at her with a frown, demanding her to keep counting, but that frown turns to mortification as he realises that he got caught up in the heat of the moment. And he doesn't get much recovery time as Zack drops Laurel with a True Madness suplex and pins her!)
1..
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(Matt drags Zack off and starts working him over. Meanwhile Jamie is positioning both members of Blazing Ransen Shojo on the table. She climbs onto the apron, but they help each other up and go after her, clubbing her on the back. Suzume spins her round for a rope-hung DDT through the table. But Laurel runs over and uses Jamie's back and Suzume's head as stepping stones to leap into Whiskey and send her right into the stands with a leg lariat! While fans scatter and the two fighters sprawl through the chairs, Jamie backdrops Suzume back into the ring.)
Roy Hardy: All six have taken a lot of nasty shots, all six are busted open, but they're all still full of energy too...
Jesse Watson: Probably all the drinking.
Roy Hardy: I wonder how bad they all need to pee.
(As Jamie steps through the ropes Suzume grabs one of the emptyish bottles and smashes it over Jamie's head - but Jamie just roars and stands her ground!)
Roy Hardy: Jamie Steel not backing down! She's the deathmatch newbie and she's holding her own here!
(But Jamie's eyes widen and she jumps back in shock as something flies into the ring towards Suzume. Suzume tracks it - and then her own eyes start to water as she instinctually catches it.)
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: HOLY SHHHH...ERBERT! WHY DOES WHISKEY-CHAN HAVE A CACTUS!?
(From ringside, Whiskey calls up to her partner after throwing the cactus to her.)
Whiskey Ayano: Has Suzu-chan ever touched one?
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: Yes, NOW!
(Whiskey salutes, then joins Laurel [who's finding the whole thing hilarious] for another time out at the mobile bar. Jamie's still struggling to understand all this, and Suzume smacks her in the face with the cactus.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the ring, Zack and Matt have been exchanging throws into the debris and both are starting to feel the effects of losing blood. But Zack grits his teeth and pushes on, dropping Matt with a series of hard strikes. He pulls him over his shoulders and crosses to the apron near the Lego box-table-sculpture thing. Hardy spit-takes - all over Whiskey Ayano, who narrows her eyes as she wipes her face - and runs over to dive across the Lego table.)
Roy Hardy: Laurel actually putting herself on that Lego thing... she really is desperate for that Lego to come into play even if she's the one who takes the hurt!
(To Laurel's great disappointment, though, Matt starts elbowing Zack in the head and whips off a tornado DDT.)
Jesse Watson: Beautiful work by Matt there. But Laurel looks about ready to throw herself through that Lego if she doesn't get to throw someone else through it soon!
(While this is going on, Suzume has taken control over Jamie and left her splayed out on the table Jamie herself set up a few minutes earlier. Whiskey smacks her then slides into the ring; as Suzume runs at Whiskey, the Deep South Dragon throws her tag team partner up into the air. Suzume sails right over the ropes and flies down to ringside, driving an elbow into Jamie and sending them both crashing through the table! They don't get any time to disentangle themselves, as Whiskey hits the apron and flies onto both of them with an Asai moonsault before covering Jamie.)
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(Suzume drags her partner off Jamie and covers her herself!)
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(Kickout. Suzume pulls herself up on the ropes just as Matt Kail runs towards them... running knee through the ropes to the back of her head!)
Roy Hardy: He calls that Thank You Pain, and Mitsuyoshi goes flying into Ayano and Steel!
(Matt grabs the ropes and flips over them, crushing all three women back into the remains of the table. On the other side of the ring, Laurel has Zack on the apron and seems to be manoeuvring him into position for some kind of slam or driver through the Lego. But he fights back and drops to his feet, and runs her headfirst into the ringpost. He lifts her up for a brainbuster... Fraudian Slip off the apron! Laurel is out like a light, but instead of covering her Zack heads round to the melee on the other side of the ring, pausing to get more weapons from the supply around ringside including Suzume's as-yet unsused barbed wire bat. He lets Jamie and Suzume fight their way into the crowd while Matt punishes Whiskey.)
Roy Hardy: The New Iron Saint with something unsaintly in mind...
(Bat shot to Matt! Bat shot to Whiskey! He drags another table out from the ring and sets it up, glances over to his opponents... he shakes his head, and fishes among the many discarded weapons for something. He holds it aloft to a huge cheer.)
Jesse Watson: Lighter fluid!
(After squirting some fluid on the table, Zack gets an oven lighter and does the honours. A big blaze goes up... then immediately goes out. Zack pulls a weird face, and empties the whole can over the table. This time, the flames crackle and roar, and he turns around to scoop up Whiskey... and as he turns back, the flames have gone out again. He exchanges a few joking words with a front row Lifer Addict, then looks around for more fuel. Matt is back to his feet by this point, and Whiskey soon follows. They both clock what's going on, and the fighting breaks for a moment while they try to figure it out.)
Roy Hardy: I think that's a flame-retardant veneer on these tables.
Jesse Watson: Don't tell them that, though. I want to see how long it takes them to work that out.
(Zack pats Whiskey on the shoulder.)
Zack Lifer: What's the strongest alcohol you have?
Whiskey Ayano: Very strongest-u, Zack-kun?
Zack Lifer: The highest by volume.
Whiskey Ayano: Hmm...
(And she disappears for a minute to rummage through her cabinet.)
Roy Hardy: While all that's going on, where have Suzume Mitsuyoshi and Jamie Steel got to?
Jesse Watson: I'm not sure... oh, there!
(A light shines on them brawling way up in the stands, being patted by fans the whole time even as they throw each other into railings and try to pin each other on the concrete steps. Suzume clotheslines Jamie over a row railing, then dives down after her with an elbow drop. The two women are soon both back up and continue fighting through the stands, scattering chairs. Suzume Irish whips Jamie and she flies right into the hot dog cart! Suzume charges her and Jamie throws the first thing she gets ahold of...)
Roy Hardy: Hot dogs?
Jesse Watson: I don't think they're going to do much...
(Indeed, Suzume barely registers them as they glance off her. But Jamie's hand closes on something else - a squeezy bottle! She sprays a massive burst of ketchup right into Suzume's face!)
Jesse Watson: Talk about a crimson mask...
Roy Hardy: An unorthodox move, but I guess it worked!
Jesse Watson: Has any move here not been unorthodox?
(Suzume tries to clear her eyes, giving Jamie the opportunity to take control. She lifts Suzume and tosses her into the cart, which tumbles over. Hot dogs and brine fly everywhere. Back at ringside, Whiskey returns with an unmarked bottle full of clear liquid. She wipes a tear away as she pours it all over the table. She, Zack and Matt all look at each other, nod, and Zack puts the lighter to it...
FWOOM!)
Jesse Watson: That almost took my eyebrows off all the way over here!
(But a nice flame is going on the surface of the table now. The three suddenly realise it's now a race to put each other through it before it goes out again and all start grabbing for each other in a three-way huddle - until Laurel catches them with a suicide dive, driving all four of them through the flaming table! Cue your inevitable ‘holy shit!' chant.)
Jesse Watson: All four down after that nasty spill. And Suzume and Jamie are still crawling back towards the ring.
(In the downtime, the chant gives way to ‘this is awesome!'. Slowly, the six bloodied wrestlers try to get themselves back together.)
Roy Hardy: We've seen a lot of bizarre moments in this match, but the level of fortitude all of these competitors have shown throughout it all is incredible.
(Jamie and Laurel are the first back into the ring. They slide in from opposite ends and charge each other. Laurel swings a high spinning heel, which Jamie ducks. Jamie goes for a lariat, but Laurel ducks that in turn, and is already swinging up into a capoeira kick! She catches Jamie in the side of the head, making her stumble to one knee, and Laurel takes the opportunity to finish the cachaca. At ringside, Suzume rifles through all the weapons and produces a felt bag, which draws a lot of noise. She slides into the ring and takes down Jamie with a shining wizard and then Laurel with an inverted headlock backbreaker, then spreads the bag and pours out onto the mat hundreds and hundreds of... gummi bears?!)
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: Oh, you have to be fuuuuh... footing kidding...
(She stomps on the bears angrily, grinding them into the canvas. Behind her, Whiskey slides in and drops her with a Drunk Driver!)
Jesse Watson: Spinning facebuster right into the... the eh... gummi bears.
Roy Hardy: I wonder how they'll go with all that ketchup Suzume's covered in.
Still, the move itself is more than dangerous enough to take Suzume out of it. After kicking Laurel and Jamie, Whiskey scouts all three, waiting to see who's ready for the Shatter Soul Strike. But Zack gets behind her and takes her by surprise with an exploder suplex into the corner! Meanwhile, Jamie pushes herself to her hands and knees, and near her, Laurel and Suzume help each other up, clinging to each other. Matt slides into the ring from the far side and leaps onto Jamie's back, up onto the heap of Suzume and Laurel, and flies off in a super triple-jump poetry in motion which crushes both Zack and Whiskey into the corner!)
Roy Hardy: And once again, everyone's in the ring!
(Laurel grabs Matt from behind and spins him into a fisherman powerbomb, her signature Party Hardy: The Hangover, across the debris. But before she can do anything, Zack catches her with a punt to the head. Whiskey drops Zack from behind with a sitout neckbreaker, only to be booted in the face by Jamie. Jamie rolls out and starts setting up the ladder at ringside.)
Jesse Watson: That's a big ladder. I think they've all lost so much blood that if they climb that thing they'll faint...
(Suzume meanwhile goes for another bag, this time checking that it's what she wants first. When she's satisfied, she slides in - to see Laurel and Whiskey both staring at her, holding bottles of vodka into which they have stuffed gummi bears, blood from the canvas be damned. As one, they take drinks. Suzume glances from one to the other, then tips the bag and spreads the thumbtacks out around herself! She gestures a ‘bring it on' to the two barefoot wrestlers from behind her wall of pointiness. Laurel and Whiskey glance at each other... then do exactly that! They send Suzume from the ring in a double clothesline, then both stop and hop around, sucking in air through gritted teeth. They both flop down and start pulling pins and shards of glass from each other's soles.)
Roy Hardy: You'd have to be crazy to be in a match like this barefoot.
Jesse Watson: You'd have to be crazy to be in a match like this full stop!
(Meanwhile, Jamie has reached the top of the ladder. She spreads her arms... but the dive she takes is not the one she intended as Zack and Matt tip it over! She flies right down into the ring, landing on Laurel and Whiskey and sending all three flying. Zack grabs Matt and pulls his arms through the rungs of the tipped over ladder, then his legs, locking the Canadian up tight. Then Zack takes a couple of paces back... dropkick into the ladder! Matt winces as the impact reverberates through his bones, then cries out in pain as the ladder topples back over and slams against the guardrail.)
Jesse Watson: It's a good thing wrestling fans are so practised at getting out the way when things like that happen!
(In the ring, Jamie kips up. She's shaky, but maintains her balance. Not to be outdone, Whiskey and Laurel both kip up and both immediately start dancing around in pain as they drive more tacks and shards into their feet. Jamie knocks them both back down with dropkicks then slides out for Whiskey's liquor.
Elsewhere at ringside, Zack has left Matt to focus on Suzume for a while. He brandishes something from Matt's utility belt - a stapler! He grabs Suzume's arm and punches a staple into her flesh.)
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: ...CHRISTMAS CRACKERS!
(Laurel crawls for the ropes and Zack treats her to a staple too, right in the hairline, while Jamie searches through the cabinet. She extracts something in a large black bottle with a faded gold label. A divine light seems to fall on the mystery booze as she unscrews the cap and sniffs it. She nods in satisfaction and slides into the ring.
Whiskey gasps as she sees what Jamie has, but before she can do anything, the other four slowly get back involved. As Whiskey's crossing over to Jamie she gets blindsided by a clothesline from Zack, but she picks herself up and keeps walking. Matt finds a running kick to her head, but she kips up, ignores the pain of the landing on her soles, and keeps walking. Laurel and Suzume catch her with a double dropkick either side of the noggin, but still she gets up and keeps walking!)
Roy Hardy: Where is Ayano getting this willpower!? What must be in that bottle?
(From a couple of feet away Whiskey pounces, and Jamie only just has enough time to toss the bottle to Matt before she's driven into the turnbuckles. Whiskey turns and charges Matt, and Matt throws the bottle to Suzume, who dives to catch it. Whiskey drops across her with a flipping senton and srambles for the bottle, but Laurel pulls her back into an STF. All four other wrestlers dogpile on top of them. The scrum is just pure fists and knees and elbows... but somehow Whiskey manages to crawl out from under it! The others make a last gasp effort to keep her from the alcohol, but she swipes it up and takes a long gulp. The booze seems to invigorate her and she hops to her feet, flexing her biceps and screaming like a banshee! She takes down Jamie with a running knee, sending Jamie right across the ring. Laurel's flipped upside down and inside out with a lariat. Zack's sent stumbling against the ropes with an enzuigiri. Suzume falls to a Samoan Drop and on the way back up, roaring with power, Whiskey lifts Matt - the heaviest person in the match - clear over her head! She throws him to ringside with a press slam.)
Roy Hardy: No. Seriously. What's in that bottle!?
(Whatever it is, Whiskey slides out cradling it like a baby. She starts sucking from it while the others try to process what just happened. The four in the ring pull themselves up, and Laurel gasps as she looks across the canvas. She calls a time out and drops to her hands and knees to start smearing around tacks, gummi bears, glass shards and of course puddles of blood and alcohol. Her hands flash around as she hums to herself [Tom's Diner] and after about a minute she takes a step back and spreads her arms to show off an impressionist portrait on the canvas of the same six fighters locked in a brawl slash party - a composition somewhere between Guernica and The Last Supper.)
Roy Hardy: Wow. I think this may be the first wrestling match I've ever seen stop for an Art Attack.
Jesse Watson: I think it's the third I've seen.
(Laurel stands back and dusts her hands proudly. She turns round to her friends - straight into a chair shot to the head! She sways for a moment, blinking, then topples over. While Jamie tosses the chair, Suzume drops into the portrait and starts making blood-and-detritus angels. At least, until Zack powerslams Jamie onto her and pins them both.)
1..
2..
(Kickout. Zack drags Jamie up, then places her right back down via the medium of backdrop driver. But Suzume grabs Zack from behind and rolls him into a cradle.)
1..
2..
(He powers out. Suzume goes for a roundhouse but Zack catches her and plants her with a powerbomb, and stays in place for the cover.)
1..
2..
(Matt dives into the ring to break it up. He and Jamie throw Zack across the canvas with a double suplex, but Suzume is ready to drop Jamie with a toehold that forces the Mancunian to eat chair. While Suzume is still down, Matt rolls over her looking for an anaconda vice, but Zack comes back with a running knee before he can get it locked in.)
Roy Hardy: I don't know how these guys are still finding the energy to break up pin and submission attempts!
(Laurel staggers back to her feet and feels a slap on her back. She turns around to see Whiskey handing her a half-full pitcher. Laurel shrugs and accepts it and steps out to the apron while Whiskey ducks through the ropes.)
Roy Hardy: Did Ayano just tag herself in?
Jesse Watson: Hey, it's Hardy's match, and she seems pretty happy to make up the rules as she goes.
(While Laurel settles in to watch with her drink, Whiskey goes to town on everyone else with stomps and elbows. She whips them into the same corner one by one, spins around with her arms spread... and blows a fireball! Fortunately they all dive out of the way.)
Roy Hardy: I guess she had more of that stuff they used earlier!
Suzume Mitsuyoshi: HOLY FUCKING SHITTING HELLSHIT BALLS, WHISKEY-CHAN!
Whiskey Ayano: SUZU-CHAN! LANGUAGE!
(And Whiskey smacks her partner in the butt with a chair - hard as hell, of course.)
Roy Hardy: Is... is Whiskey spanking Suzume, in the middle of the match?
Jesse Watson: I don't ask questions about what those two do...
(Suzume's response is to knock Whiskey silly with a step-up enzuigiri. Laurel, who'd just been smiling at all this from the apron, steps through the ropes. She winds up for a big hadouken, and everyone takes a step back out of range. She sighs and charges Jamie, who finds a hiptoss. But Laurel lands on her feet. Suzume hits Jamie with a second enzuigiri and Matt hits Laurel with one at the same time, while Zack sneaks a pin on Whiskey.)
1...
2..
(Kickout. Matt clotheslines Suzume against the ropes and she rolls over them, but she skins the cat and pulls him out with a headscissors throw! She pulls herself up only to be dropkicked back off to ringside by Zack. Whiskey makes a beeline for Zack, but he backdrops her over the ropes into Matt, and both Matt and Whiskey crash into the guardrail with Whiskey getting tangled in the ladder while Matt finds himself landing across Suzume's bat. Suzume reaches through the ropes and yanks Zack's feet out, then wheelbarrows him into the bottom rope before re-entering the ring. She lifts him up in a front facelock - and Jamie is Irish whipped into both of them by Laurel! Jamie, Suzume and Zack all stagger forward, dazed, and Laurel bops each of them on the head with the glass pitcher Whiskey gave her.)
Roy Hardy: TIMBERRR!
Jesse Watson: Times three!
(While the three pitcher victims collapse, Whiskey runs at Matt looking for her deadly knee kick, the Shatter Soul Strike, but Matt sidesteps! She swings round in a discus punch but Matt grabs her arm and traps it - then the other. He lifts her straight up... brainbuster!)
Roy Hardy: Armtrap brainbuster! The Kaileidiscope!
(Meanwhile, after dragging Suzume, Zack and Jamie into a heap, Laurel calls for her corkscrew elbow drop, Stronger Than Dirt, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. But as she's steadying herself, Matt hops up onto the apron and pushes her off. She sails down to ringside - finally crashing through the Lego table! The fans start stomping and hollering.)
Roy Hardy: Finally! She finally got that Lego into play, even if she herself was the one who went through it!
(Matt turns round, and walks straight into a Forced Suicide from Zack! But before he can do anything, Suzume lifts Zack across her shoulders and drops him across her knees! Kiri-Sute Gomen! Suzume goes to pin - until she finds herself being lifted in an electric chair! Morning After Driver from Jamie! Jamie kips up and pumps a fist - and eats a Shatter Soul Strike from Whiskey! But the Kaileidiscope (plus the entire last 40 minutes) catches up with Whiskey and she drops, exhausted. With all five down in the ring, the fans start clapping, trying to will the fighters back into it.)
Roy Hardy: What a match this has been!
(Another roar goes up as, limbs weak and sagging, Laurel crawls from the wreckage of the Lego and slowly drags herself up the outside to the top turnbuckle. She poses for a second, then flies off in...
in...)
Jesse Watson: ...what the hell was that!?
Roy Hardy: I don't think she even knows herself! She just threw her body through whatever twists it could manage!
(After colliding with the first target she could see - Matt - Laurel takes a moment to catch her breath before crawling over him and hooking the leg.)
1..
2..
3!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 52:17 mark of the match... Laurel! Anne! HARDY!
(Laurel rolls off Matt as “Super Duper Rescue Heads !" plays again, and that's the last energy any of those in the ring display for several minutes. Officials and medics swarm the scene to check on the six depleted warriors. One by one they're brought round, their wounds checked over and their faces wiped cleanish. One medic tries to pour alcohol over Whiskey's shredded feet but she snatches the bottle from his hand and starts drinking from it.)
Roy Hardy: What a match. What a match. Fun was had, hell was gone through, and memories were most certainly made.
(Suzume's being tended to for the big cut on her forehead from when she hit herself with the light tube; she flashes the PWP photographers a big grin and peace sign even as waves of blood wash down her face. Zack slides to ringside and crosses over to a group of screaming Lifer Addicts who are hysterical at being able to pat his blood-streaked shoulders.
In tears, Laurel hugs each of her friends in turn, thanking them all for giving her this night. Whiskey, of course, steals a grope of Laurel's breasts. Finally the six share a group hug then, along with Eric Wilson, spread out into a line for a big stage bow.)
Insurgency Wrestling Federation -
insurgencywrestling.com
Hard Knox Wrestling -
Main Event
PWP Heavyweight Championship
Brandon Banks vs. Sister Liliana (c)
Randall Jobbs: The following contest is scheduled for one fall…. And is for the PWP Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger…
"One day Simba... The sun will set on my time here... And will rise through you as the new king."
"And this will all be mine?"
"Everything..."
"Everything the light touches..."
(The arena goes dark and the crowd erupts just as the visuals of Brandon Banks hit the titantron. The sound of thunder and lightning overpower the noise of the crowd while Return of Simba" by J. Cole plays over the PA system. A silver triangle replaces the video package on the titantron, becoming the only source of light in the arena.)
"In my freshest J's, I ain't slept in days.
Girl you gon' make me late undressin' me.
Know you ain't seen me since yesterday,
but see I got a date with destiny"
(The fans in attendance suddenly start to feel water come down onto them, almost as if it were raining in the building. Thirty seconds into the song, a yellow smoke begins to pour out of the ground. The triangle on the titantron turns gold, with a spotlight hitting the top of the entrance ramp. Lyle Risky is then seen stepping into the scene with a smile across his face and a smile on his. As the music plays in the background he lifts the microphone up to his lips to address the crowd.)
LYLE RISKY: Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and Girls. Welcome! As you will witness the return of the slayer of many. PDW’s last credible Prodigy Champion. The man of the people. The people’s man. The baker’s man. The man that can. THE GATE KEEPAH... BRRRAAAANNNDOOONNNN BAAAAAAAANKSSSSS!
"Hov asked me is you ready for it?
I looked around at his nice things...
Told em nigga you already know it!"
(The spotlight continues to shine over the top of the entrance ramp as Brandon Banks slowly comes out onto the ramp, stopping just as soon as he's visible with a zipped up sweatshirt and his hood over his head. The fans go nuts as Banks walks into the spotlight and takes a few steps toward the ring. He takes the hood off of his head and looks around the arena with a smirk on his face as he feeds from the crowds energy. He stares directly at the ring before bowing his head and closing his eyes, taking in more energy of the crowd. He raises his arms up in the air and starts jumping up and down until he runs back and forth atop the entrance ramp, hyping up the crowd some more. After playing with the crowd some, he smirks and holds his arms out to his sides as he walks down the aisle.)
"BITCH I'M THE MAN OF THE YEEEEEEEEAR!"
(Banks shows no emotion as he continues his steady pace down the ramp, bringing his arms back down to his sides. He stops mid ramp, and again, tucks his head before slowing his pace even more until he reaches the steps. He walks up the staircase and heads toward the middle of the apron before throwing his arms in the air to receive a monstrous pop from the crowd.. He gives the crowd a round of applause himself and proceeds to climb to the top rope, and throws up a triangle with his hands before looking down at the ring and jumping in. Just as his feet touch the mat, Banks rips his sweatshirt off and tosses it into the audience. He plays with the crowd some more before glancing over at the front row before he proceeds toward one of the corners in the ring and leans his back against the turnbuckle, sliding down until he sits down and waits for the action to begin.)
Randall Jobbs: And his opponent…
(A pipe organ begins to play and Bach's "Toccata & Fugue in D minor” starts to play. Throughout the arena the lights go dark, minus a spotlight at the top of the ramp. Father Jones is out first, wearing black dress pants and aback turtle neck, with an oversized black hat and oversized sunglasses as well. Wearing all black, with a veil covering her face, the former Liliana and Sweet Potato makes her way slowly out from the back. )
Randall Jobbs: From Bayonne, New Jersey, weighing 122 pounds… She is the reigning PWP Heavyweight Champion… Sister Liliana!
(Father Jones stands by her and claps proudly before the two of them head to the ring. Sister Liliana never takes her gaze off of the ring but Father Jones walks all around her talking her up, clapping, and pointing to the ring. She slowly climbs up the stairs and steps carefully into the ring. Once in the ring, she throws the veil off and shows an all black mask that covers her entire head, including having her hair covered up.)
Roy Hardy: This has been a VERY highly anticipated match up by fans and wrestlers, alike. And that includes me. I can’t wait for this one.
Jesse Watson: One of our biggest Heavyweight title matches to date, Roy. This is gonna be big, I can feel it!
(The bell rings and the two competitors quickly tie up in the center of the ring. Banks then grabs Liliana in a standing side headlock. Liliana backs Banks up and then shoots him off into the ropes. As Banks comes off of them, he does a baseball slide between Liliana’s legs. He pops up and as Liliana turns around, he grabs her with another side headlock.)
Roy Hardy: Good job by Brandon, who’s not rushing things just because this is a title match. He seems to be taking his time and trying to feel out Sister Liliana.
Jesse Watson: Banks isn’t a rookie. And this isn’t the first time he’s ever been in a title position in his career. As great as Sister Liliana is, Brandon Banks knows how to conduct himself in high pressure situations, like this.
(Liliana lands a few hard punches to the midsection before shooting Banks off into the ropes again. As Brandon comes off of them, he hits her with a shoulder block but instead of going down, Liliana is bumped backwards. She bounces off the ropes and connects with a running back elbow, drilling Banks in the mouth. As Banks is stunned from the elbow, she grabs him and takes him to the corner, smashing his face off of the top turnbuckle. Liliana lands a couple of quick kicks to the chest before grabbing Banks and sending him off into the opposite corner. She charges in behind him and instead of hitting the turnbuckles, Banks is able to elevate himself up and backwards, over the head of Liliana, landing on his feet behind her. Liliana stops herself before she crashes into the turnbuckles chest-first, turns around and charges at Banks with a clothesline but Banks ducks the arm. Banks lifts her up, going for a back suplex but Sister Liliana uses her momentum to float over Brandon’s back, landing on her feet behind him. Brandon turns around and Liliana goes to throw a kick but Banks catches her foot. Liliana counters that into an Enziguri, sending Brandon staggering backwards, down into a seated position down in the corner.)
Roy Hardy: Some great back and forth between these two competitors. They’re really struggling to get the upper hand over the other.
Jesse Watson: That’s because they’re not familiar with each other. They’re still feeling each other out.
Roy Hardy: Lets see what Sister Liliana can do now that she has Banks down and in a prone position.
(Liliana then charges in and connects with a low dropkick to the mouth of Banks, while he’s still seated down in the corner. Banks crawls out of the corner and gets to his feet. Sister Liliana charges in at Brandon but Brandon catches her with a back drop, sending her over the top rope. She lands on her feet and Brandon hit’s the ropes. As she turns around, Brandon connects with a baseball slide, sending her flying backwards into the barricade.)
Roy Hardy: Good God, Sister Liliana hit that steel rail hard.
Jesse Watson: She sure did. Brandon got a lot of momentum behind that.
(Banks’ momentum takes him sliding out of the ring from the baseball slide and he grabs Liliana up and rolls her back into the ring, following in behind her. Brandon starts to get her up and Liliana comes back with a few elbow blows to the midsection. Banks doesn’t let her get going too much before grabbing her and taking her down to the mat with a snapmere. He follows it up with a stiff kick to the back. He then drives his knee into her back and then wrenches on her neck with a chin lock.)
Roy Hardy: Good move by the Banks, the challenger, to wear down the champion.
Jesse Watson: Sister Liliana is all about the fast paced style of action. So it’s definitely smart to slow her down and keep her off her feet like this.
(Liliana fights back to her feet and then drops down, catching Brandon with a jawbreaker that sends him staggering backwards. Liliana charges at him but Banks side steps her and throws her through the ropes but she lands on the ring apron. Brandon turns around and Liliana grabs him by the head, jumping off of the apron and driving Brandon’s throat into the top rope.)
Roy Hardy: That’s a good way to damage someone’s wind pipe, right there.
Jesse Watson: It’s a smart move by Sister Liliana. Her title is on the line. You have to stay in the fight by any means necessary, especially with the surrounding circumstances.
(Liliana springboards up onto the rope and then leaps off at Brandon, catches him with a springboard DDT. Liliana then runs and springboards off of the middle rope and connects with the springboard moonsault. She hooks the leg…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Sister Liliana has really turned the tide of this match in her direction.
Jesse Watson: Now she just has to keep it going.
(Sister Liliana waits for Banks to get to his feet and as he does, she hit’s the ropes. As she comes off of them, Banks surprises her, catching her with a spinning heel kick. Banks then gets Liliana and goes for a tornado DDT but as he comes off of the ropes, Liliana blocks it, pushing him off. Banks tries to recover, going for a clothesline but Liliana ducks under it. Banks turns around and as he does, Liliana leaps up and catches him with a hurricanrana, rolling through with it and holding onto his legs for a pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: Good attempt by the champ there but not quiet enough to keep Brandon Banks down for the three.
Jesse Watson: The pace is really starting to pick up now. These two are trying to pull out the big moves to put the other away.
(Both of them rush to their feet and Liliana charges in, catching Banks with a clothesline. He gets up and she hit’s the ropes, catching him with a diving forearm. As they get up again, she catches him with a dropkick to the knee, bringing him down to one. She then hit’s the ropes and as she comes off of them, catches him with a shinning wizard and then goes for the pin..)
1...
2...
Kickout!
Roy Hardy: So close by Sister Liliana. But Brandon Banks is not out of it yet. He wants that title.
Jesse Watson: This is a great back and forth battle of who wants it more. Does Liliana want to keep the title, more. Or does Banks want to win it, more.
Roy Hardy: We’re going to find out in due time.
(As Banks is getting to his feet, Liliana hit’s the ropes. As she comes off of them, Banks catches her with the “Most Amazing Dropkick.” As Liliana staggers back up to her feet, Banks lands a kick to the stomach and then plants her into the ring with a swinging neck breaker. He makes the pin…)
1...
2...
Kickout!
(Banks gets her up and sends her off into the corner. He charges in and goes for a corner splash but Liliana moves out of the way in time and Banks’ crashes into the turnbuckles chest-first. As he staggers out of the corner, Liliana leaps up and connects with a backstabber. Sister Lillian sees a downed Banks and figures now is the time to capitalize. She crawls under the rope and onto the apron before climbing to the top and catching her balance. She waits for Banks to stand to his feet, and when he does, she soars off attempting a crossbody, but…
BANK SHOT!
The superkick shot echos throughout the arena, causing the crowd to explode. Banks crawls toward Lillian and drapes his arm across her chest…)
1...
2...
3!!!
Randall Jobbs: Winner of this match, via pinfall at the 13:29 mark of the match… And NEW PWP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… BRANDON BANKS!!!!
(Banks lays motionless near Sister Liliana as the crowd explodes in a ruckus ovation. Risky stands there with his eyes wide as ever after seeing the most vicious Bank Shot that he has seen Brandon Banks ever deliver. Both competitors continue to lay in the ring lifeless as all the fans are either in as much shock as Lyle Risky is or just screaming at the top of their lungs. Lyle looks around for a moment making sure everything was real. A smile slowly begins to creep onto his face. He looks back and forth searching the the PWP Heavyweight Championship while Banks lays motionless near Sister Liliana, unaware of his victory.)
LYLE RISKY: WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!
(He stops as he sees someone holding the belt. Risky sprints over snatching the belt out of their hands and shoves the person back down in their seat.)
LYLE RISKY: THAT’S NOT YOURS!
(Risky stares down at it with a smile on his face and walks over snatching the microphone out of Randall Jobbs’ hands as Banks finally starts coming to and realizes what he had done.)
LYLE RISKY: Sit the fuck down….Let me show you how to properly do it.
(Lyle gives Jobbs a smug look and holds up the championship belt. Banks drags himself toward the corner turnbuckle and rests his head back against the.)
LYLE RISKY: FINNNAAAALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! FINALLLLYYY THE MAN BEHIND MANY HAS DONE IT! THE MAN YOU PEOPLE FLOCK OVER! THE MAN YOUR GIRL THROWS PANTIES AT ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET, DURING THE NETS GAME, DURING YOUR KIDS LITTLE LEAGUE GAME, DURING A MICHAEL PHELPS DOCUMENTARY...THAT MAN YOU’RE CRAZY LITTLE SISTER HAS A SHRINE IN HER CLOSET OF...THAT’S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! HE HAS DONE IT! HE HAS FUCKED YOUR BITCH WHILE ON THE WAY TO FUCK THE NEXT BITCH! HE HAS CAME. HE HAS SEEKED. HE HAS CONQUERED…..THE BEST EVER PDW BLOODSHED CHAMPION! THE BEST EVER PDW PRODIGY CHAMPION! THE BEST EVER PRODUCT TO EVER COME OUT OF FTW?!
(Lyle pauses…..)
LYLE RISKY: Hold up….Bring out the bottles. Pop that confetti…
(Dozens of ladies dressed in thong bikini’s walk out carrying champagne bottles begin to walk out from behind the curtains and down the ramp. Men in the crowd mouths either drop or start whistling toward the ladies. Risky smirks as they begin to surround the ring. Gold and black confetti begins to drop from the ceiling. Banks looks up at the confetti from the arena ceiling and cracks a smirk.)
LYLE RISKY: …..LADIES AND GENTLEMEN….THE FIRST EVER PWP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION THAT’S WORTH SHIT...BBBBBRRRRAAANNNNDDDDDOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN THHEEEEEEE BAAAANNNKKKKSSHHOOOTTT DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR
(He looks around to the crowd for a moment and nods.)
LYLE RISKY:......BBBBBBBBBAAAAAANNNNNNKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Risky drops the mic and takes a bottle and pops it. He shakes it up spraying the fans and the girls, commentators, crew workers and camera men. He then begins to chug the drink before running a victory lap while carrying the PWP Championship in the air. As he does so the ladies pop the bottles literally making it rain champagne around him as he runs. Risky then slides into the ring. He looks over to Lillianna and shoos her away with the title and bottle in his hand, getting some of it on her and not caring at all about it. He then makes his way over to the groggy Brandon Banks and helps him up to his feet.)
LYLE RISKY: You did it! You fucking did it! YOU’RE THE FUCKING PWP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
(Still groggy from the beating he took at the hands of Liliana, Banks falls back into the corner as Risky hands him the PWP Heavyweight title. Banks just smirks as he looks around at the Detroit crowd giving him a standing ovation. Banks looks down at the championship and holds it high in the air to a big pop from the crowd. Risky continues to shout things at the audience as “Return of Simba” hits the pa system and Banks stares over at the downed Sister Liliana.)
Roy Hardy: This is one of the biggest celebrations I’ve ever seen after a win. What a way to open up the reign of Brandon Banks as the new PWP Heavyweight Champion!
Jesse Watson: Banks hit Sister Liliana with that super kick out of nowhere! I didn’t see it coming at all!
Roy Hardy: Clearly, Sister Liliana didn’t either. Liliana looked like she had the match going in her favor but she went high risk and Brandon had it scouted and made her pay for it.
Jesse Watson: And now we’ve got a brand new PWP Heavyweight Champion. What a night!
(Banks takes a few seconds to soak in the moment, somewhat shocked himself that he had finally captured what eluded him his entire career. He flings the title around his shoulder and makes his way toward the downed Liliana, steps over her, and kicks back some confetti onto her like a dog before exiting the ring. Banks slaps the hands of a few fans as he holds the title up in the air and heads up the ramp with Risky applauding.)
Roy Hardy: What a way to end the show. Brandon Banks celebrating as the new PWP Heavyweight Champion. Folks, that’s all the time we have tonight. Thank you for joining us. As always, everyone here at PWP appreciate the continued support. Make sure to tune in next month for our yearly Holiday Special show. I’m Roy Hardy for my partner Jesse Watson. Goodnight and see you next month!
(Banks reaches the top of the ramp and holds the PWP championship high in the air to close the show.)